Today I found myself crying (not sobbing at least, just tears coming out occasionally) on an airplane. Yet another week of travel for me. Left this afternoon and then out of town in 2 different cities for work before coming home late Thursday evening. My parents are flying through home on Thursday afternoon to pick up my son and take him to another city south of where we live for a long weekend so I won't even get to see him until my husband and I arrive there on Friday evening after driving after work. I will be home for a few hours to shower, unpack and repack, and then take the dog to the pet hotel first thing Friday morning before a day in the office and then hopefully hit the road by 4 pm for a long weekend with my family until Tuesday. I really need the break. I am going to have to work some but hopefully not too much.
And then I'm supposed to get on another plane next Tuesday to fly to a city on the East Coast for interviews. But I haven't gotten any details yet still and it's less than a week away...and I'm starting to wonder if it's worth another night away from my family but then I remember that it is worth it if it's better than the situation I'm in now and hence the tears on the airplane today.
I don't know if I was naive or sheltered by my parents or if times are just tougher these days than they normally are, but I guess I never realized how difficult it would be trying to be a working mom in my early 30s and trying to balance wanting a career with wanting time to my family and time for me. The me time is out the window almost entirely (with the exception of a Zumba class I went to with a friend last weekend that benefitted breast cancer awareness and rocked!). And therefore without any time for me, I am not thrilled with how I look either - clothes don't fit as well as I'd like them too, I think I always look tired, my face is always breaking out from stress, and don't even get me started on my endometriosis issues and what happens with that when I'm under stress!
The family time is pretty limited. I work most evenings until at least 6 and by the time I drive home in traffic, I'm lucky to be home between 6:45 and 7. Lately, I've been working until 7 and getting home around 7:30. That's the days when I'm in town and then I have spent many weeks traveling 2-3 nights during the week which is really hard for all of us too. Oh and then the work I usually have to do on the weekends as well.
This morning my son was all grumpy and not wanting to get ready and just not acting himself. And I knew it was because he knew I was leaving and was upset. And that kills me (another reason for the tears on the plane today!). We have been trying to live each moment to the fullest when we are together which has been great - got to celebrate our 7 year wedding anniversary this weekend and have been trying to do fun things with our son (pumpkin patch!, mini-golf, bowling) each weekend to spend some quality time together.
However, I still feel very stuck. I sort of feel like I'm inside this box and I'm not really sure how to get out. I can't take another position because they don't have as good of benefits or the commute is even farther than the one I have now or it doesn't pay quite as much or some other host of things. I can't stay in the one I'm in now because my boss drives me crazy, they hired the most idiotic person I've ever met to work with our team (not much help at all and a lot more work to "train" her), there is no career path, there is no real chance for raise, I'm traveling like crazy, they put undue stress on me 24-7, etc. I can't adapt to a different field quite yet because I would probably need to get a masters to do that, but I don't have TIME for a masters degree when I am getting killed at work with travel and hours. So every direction I look, the sides of the box are there and it's hard to figure out where to go next.
There is a light at the top of the box still and I focus on that. I know that one day I will figure out a way out and it will be awesome. I have a very tiny glimmer of hope tonight from a phone call I had with a coworker about a possible opportunity within my current company. I don't have a lot of faith that it will work out because they can be so difficult sometimes PLUS I'm sure my boss will try to put the kibosh on it. But I'm going to hold on to that glimmer of hope until it's put out and then I will find the next one.
I just need to shed a few tears and to vent on here to make myself feel a little better and I will continue to keep the hope alive! :) Thanks for listening and hope to hear from you all soon! :) I miss my few commenters!
Showing posts with label things that make me want to scream. Show all posts
Showing posts with label things that make me want to scream. Show all posts
10.04.2011
8.23.2011
Little Man
Yesterday my baby boy started kindergarten. I really can't believe that he is already big enough to be starting real school. It seems like only yesterday I was cuddling him in my arms as a sweet newborn. The time really does fly by! It makes me question a little bit what I'm doing with my life and if time goes by so quickly, am I happy with how I'm living it?
I am so very very proud of him. He has grown into such a fun, sweet, and loving boy (with the occasional temper too!). He has his own little personality and loves to carry on a conversation these days. Last night, he was telling me about how he got "green" (meaning he listened well) yesterday, and I asked him how he did that and he said "because I nailed it" in all seriousness. It was the cutest thing ever! I am so thankful for him in my life because without him and my hubby, I just really don't know what I would do. He especially brings me so much joy and I wish I could spend even more time learning from him to take life more simply and enjoy it.
Instead, I often just feel like crying. I just don't know what I'm doing with this job situation any more. I haven't heard back from the first "dream job" at all which I think is really strange and annoying. I'm okay with rejection, but just ignoring me completely is just plain rude. I have this other interview on Thursday, but I'm not all that enthusiastic about it because they sent me the benefits package with the e-mail confirmation for my interviews, and it is significantly more expensive (try double) what we are paying now and for much less coverage. So to make up in that difference alone would probably be $5k+. So I'm really bummed and feeling even more stuck than ever. I can't continue doing what I'm doing now and be happy and yet I can't really leave either. It's a terrible predicament.
I often wish I had been braver about figuring out what I wanted to do when I was younger. So maybe I could have gotten a masters degree in psychology and done counseling or maybe I could have gotten a masters degree in speech therapy or something like that. At least then I would have a career and a bit of a path of what I wanted to do and be and I could just switch jobs when I wanted to get a raise or better benefits or be closer to home. But now I am where I am and while I like what I do, it also takes me away from my family a lot (a lot more than what is made up for by the $$ or benefits), and it causes me a lot of stress (which is now showing through physically), and it causes me to miss out on things like working out or taking dance class or spending time with my family and friends. It also causes me to commute daily (and the commute is about to get longer if I switch to some jobs and/or when our office moves next year) and that's more time away from me, my family and friends. Ugh! I just feel really lost and frustrated right now...hope to feel better about this all soon!
I'm still going to go on Thursday for experience if nothing else, and I'm going this afternoon to the doctor to talk about some pains I've been experiencing lately in my arms as well as my anxiety. I know this will all get better soon and there are lots of other people out there dealing with way worse. But for me, it just feels like a very tough year and I'm ready for change to come to better it for all of us. I am trying to be patient. I really am!
For now, I will focus on the good in my life - like my son and his awesome love for school and excitement about life. I wish I could bottle it up and drink it in. :)
I am so very very proud of him. He has grown into such a fun, sweet, and loving boy (with the occasional temper too!). He has his own little personality and loves to carry on a conversation these days. Last night, he was telling me about how he got "green" (meaning he listened well) yesterday, and I asked him how he did that and he said "because I nailed it" in all seriousness. It was the cutest thing ever! I am so thankful for him in my life because without him and my hubby, I just really don't know what I would do. He especially brings me so much joy and I wish I could spend even more time learning from him to take life more simply and enjoy it.
Instead, I often just feel like crying. I just don't know what I'm doing with this job situation any more. I haven't heard back from the first "dream job" at all which I think is really strange and annoying. I'm okay with rejection, but just ignoring me completely is just plain rude. I have this other interview on Thursday, but I'm not all that enthusiastic about it because they sent me the benefits package with the e-mail confirmation for my interviews, and it is significantly more expensive (try double) what we are paying now and for much less coverage. So to make up in that difference alone would probably be $5k+. So I'm really bummed and feeling even more stuck than ever. I can't continue doing what I'm doing now and be happy and yet I can't really leave either. It's a terrible predicament.
I often wish I had been braver about figuring out what I wanted to do when I was younger. So maybe I could have gotten a masters degree in psychology and done counseling or maybe I could have gotten a masters degree in speech therapy or something like that. At least then I would have a career and a bit of a path of what I wanted to do and be and I could just switch jobs when I wanted to get a raise or better benefits or be closer to home. But now I am where I am and while I like what I do, it also takes me away from my family a lot (a lot more than what is made up for by the $$ or benefits), and it causes me a lot of stress (which is now showing through physically), and it causes me to miss out on things like working out or taking dance class or spending time with my family and friends. It also causes me to commute daily (and the commute is about to get longer if I switch to some jobs and/or when our office moves next year) and that's more time away from me, my family and friends. Ugh! I just feel really lost and frustrated right now...hope to feel better about this all soon!
I'm still going to go on Thursday for experience if nothing else, and I'm going this afternoon to the doctor to talk about some pains I've been experiencing lately in my arms as well as my anxiety. I know this will all get better soon and there are lots of other people out there dealing with way worse. But for me, it just feels like a very tough year and I'm ready for change to come to better it for all of us. I am trying to be patient. I really am!
For now, I will focus on the good in my life - like my son and his awesome love for school and excitement about life. I wish I could bottle it up and drink it in. :)
8.16.2011
Heartbroken
Right now, I'm feeling heartbroken. I don't have a concrete reason yet because I haven't been told no yet, but I just have this feeling because I haven't heard anything at all that it's a no....
What I'm talking about is this set of interviews I had last week for a job that I would love to have. It would allow me to work from home up to 3 days a week, would like reduce my travel, and would finally give me the leadership and step-up opportunities I have so been craving. I've had 3 interviews now with 3 different people, the last two were last Thursday. And I really did think they went fabulously but maybe I always just think that and they are secretly hoping the call will end quickly!
I'm just confused because both of the Thursday interviews ended with how they thought we had such a great conversation and they seemed to be overly positive (which people wouldn't be too positive if that wasn't really the case). And although they haven't called or written to say no, they haven't called or written to say yes to meet with the last person, the boss of the position and the head honcho for the US. She is the one that had initially called me last Tuesday to ask if I wanted to set up the two additional interviews but I had only gotten a voicemail and never talked to her in person.
I sent an e-mail this morning to one of the ones I met with by phone last week and haven't received a response. I guess I should be happy with that since no response is better than we have decided to go a different direction. But for now, I am having a bad day/week/month and am deciding to be heartbroken instead. And write about it because it makes me feel better. If I could just forget about it for a little bit and see what happens, I would feel better. But that's really hard when misery is overwhelming me at work on a daily basis and I'm kind of at the edge of the brink here.
It will get better. I will stay positive. And even if this doesn't work out, it's because it's not meant to be and I will find something even better soon. Now if only I could convince my brain/heart of that as well! ;)
What I'm talking about is this set of interviews I had last week for a job that I would love to have. It would allow me to work from home up to 3 days a week, would like reduce my travel, and would finally give me the leadership and step-up opportunities I have so been craving. I've had 3 interviews now with 3 different people, the last two were last Thursday. And I really did think they went fabulously but maybe I always just think that and they are secretly hoping the call will end quickly!
I'm just confused because both of the Thursday interviews ended with how they thought we had such a great conversation and they seemed to be overly positive (which people wouldn't be too positive if that wasn't really the case). And although they haven't called or written to say no, they haven't called or written to say yes to meet with the last person, the boss of the position and the head honcho for the US. She is the one that had initially called me last Tuesday to ask if I wanted to set up the two additional interviews but I had only gotten a voicemail and never talked to her in person.
I sent an e-mail this morning to one of the ones I met with by phone last week and haven't received a response. I guess I should be happy with that since no response is better than we have decided to go a different direction. But for now, I am having a bad day/week/month and am deciding to be heartbroken instead. And write about it because it makes me feel better. If I could just forget about it for a little bit and see what happens, I would feel better. But that's really hard when misery is overwhelming me at work on a daily basis and I'm kind of at the edge of the brink here.
It will get better. I will stay positive. And even if this doesn't work out, it's because it's not meant to be and I will find something even better soon. Now if only I could convince my brain/heart of that as well! ;)
6.13.2011
Help!!!
Okay this is seriously getting annoying! I can't comment on many of my blogger friends posts and it's make me mad!!! When I go to do it, it first tells me to sign in (even though I'm usually already signed in) and then when I enter my information, it shows my comment as "Anonymous" instead of me which I say fine whatever and put in the secret word and hit submit and it goes back to the sign in so I put in my sign in information AGAIN and it does this anonymous enter the word thing and never ever posts my comments. And it's making me sad! Does anyone know how I can fix this?!
5.03.2011
Travel is my new middle name
I enjoy traveling for pleasure. I don't particularly enjoy traveling for work (moreso because I miss my hubby and son, than because of the actual travel), but it is okay and I enjoy the miles and points. :) However, these next couple of weeks are a bit crazy on the travel front!
Last Thursday morning bright and early, my hubby and I jumped on a plane to Philly for my grandmother's funeral on Friday. We stayed the weekend with my aunt and uncle and it was nice to have some family time. Then we came back late Sunday night (cheapest flights are always first thing in the morning and late at night - grr!). I was at work yesterday and today. Then I will work from home tomorrow until around lunchtime and then head back to the airport, this time with my son in tow. He and I will fly to Florida tomorrow for the "celebration of life" on Thursday for my grandmother (it just made sense to do something there since she knew so many people there even though she wanted to be buried in PA, and 5/5 would have been her 104th birthday) and then fly back home on Friday afternoon so we can enjoy one weekend at home together all 3 of us. Then Monday afternoon I have to fly to Boston for work until Thursday night (don't get in until 8:45 pm!) and my parents fly in that day (already planned before all of this other family stuff obviously) for my son's PreK graduation on Friday evening. They are in town next weekend from Thursday evening to early Tuesday morning and then we have about 2 weeks to ourselves. Then on Memorial Day Monday (still bitter about this!), I have to fly BACK to Boston for work from Monday evening to Friday evening, come home and spend Saturday with my hubby and son, and then come back to work on Sunday to get ready for my intern group who starts Monday, including attending a welcome dinner that Sunday evening. Then I have one weekend to ourselves in between, and then my mom flies out to watch our son and my hubby and his parents and brother are going to Vegas from Friday morning to Sunday evening for my father-in-law's 60th birthday. Then after that, I am hopeful not to travel again until the fall for work (except we do plan to go to the beach the first week of August but we will drive). Just thinking about it makes me tired!!!!
So that's my life in a nutshell right now. I've been swamped at work and at home in between trying to get everything done and figure out what goes where and everything else. And my mother has been incapable of making any decisions about anything so I've had to make all the decisions about the arrangements from picking the casket and clothes she would wear to be buried in (ugh!) to ordering butterflies for a butterfly memorial release we will do in Florida on Thursday evening. It's been a whirlwind! Let's hope I survive...and somewhere amongst all of this, I would love to find my next new opportunity so that I can challenge myself at work and get out from under my evil boss...not sure when that time will come but I'm ready for whenever it is! :)
Hope you all are having a less hectic few weeks than I am!!! Hope to talk to you soon and will try to at least send picture posts occasionally since I finally got my new iPh*ne - hurray!
Last Thursday morning bright and early, my hubby and I jumped on a plane to Philly for my grandmother's funeral on Friday. We stayed the weekend with my aunt and uncle and it was nice to have some family time. Then we came back late Sunday night (cheapest flights are always first thing in the morning and late at night - grr!). I was at work yesterday and today. Then I will work from home tomorrow until around lunchtime and then head back to the airport, this time with my son in tow. He and I will fly to Florida tomorrow for the "celebration of life" on Thursday for my grandmother (it just made sense to do something there since she knew so many people there even though she wanted to be buried in PA, and 5/5 would have been her 104th birthday) and then fly back home on Friday afternoon so we can enjoy one weekend at home together all 3 of us. Then Monday afternoon I have to fly to Boston for work until Thursday night (don't get in until 8:45 pm!) and my parents fly in that day (already planned before all of this other family stuff obviously) for my son's PreK graduation on Friday evening. They are in town next weekend from Thursday evening to early Tuesday morning and then we have about 2 weeks to ourselves. Then on Memorial Day Monday (still bitter about this!), I have to fly BACK to Boston for work from Monday evening to Friday evening, come home and spend Saturday with my hubby and son, and then come back to work on Sunday to get ready for my intern group who starts Monday, including attending a welcome dinner that Sunday evening. Then I have one weekend to ourselves in between, and then my mom flies out to watch our son and my hubby and his parents and brother are going to Vegas from Friday morning to Sunday evening for my father-in-law's 60th birthday. Then after that, I am hopeful not to travel again until the fall for work (except we do plan to go to the beach the first week of August but we will drive). Just thinking about it makes me tired!!!!
So that's my life in a nutshell right now. I've been swamped at work and at home in between trying to get everything done and figure out what goes where and everything else. And my mother has been incapable of making any decisions about anything so I've had to make all the decisions about the arrangements from picking the casket and clothes she would wear to be buried in (ugh!) to ordering butterflies for a butterfly memorial release we will do in Florida on Thursday evening. It's been a whirlwind! Let's hope I survive...and somewhere amongst all of this, I would love to find my next new opportunity so that I can challenge myself at work and get out from under my evil boss...not sure when that time will come but I'm ready for whenever it is! :)
Hope you all are having a less hectic few weeks than I am!!! Hope to talk to you soon and will try to at least send picture posts occasionally since I finally got my new iPh*ne - hurray!
4.15.2011
I Give Up
I haven't written for a few days mainly because I am just not sure what to say. I am frustrated, angry, and sad all at the same time. My review on Wednesday was one of the hardest days of my life, and it has taken every ounce of strength in my body to show up to work all day long every day since then because the stress is just overly burdening my body. But it's Friday and in about 4 hours, I plan to leave this place for the weekend, go see my friend who had a baby yesterday (yay for babies!), and enjoy a relaxing weekend with my friends and family. I couldn't be more ready for this!
I have been praying a lot lately for things to get better, and yesterday I received a fortune cookie that said "Happier days are definitely ahead for you." So I have put it in my wallet right in the front with my driver's license so I can open it and stare at it whenever I start feeling down. I'm ready for those happier days...let's hope they get here sooner than later!
I have been praying a lot lately for things to get better, and yesterday I received a fortune cookie that said "Happier days are definitely ahead for you." So I have put it in my wallet right in the front with my driver's license so I can open it and stare at it whenever I start feeling down. I'm ready for those happier days...let's hope they get here sooner than later!
4.13.2011
Tick tock
Hmm...I haven't written in a few days mainly because I haven't had much positive to say and I don't want you all to think I'm such a negative person. I know I have definitely been very negative lately, but that's not really me at all. And it makes me even angrier at my work that they are making me into this bitter, angry person! (which just sounds silly to say but it's the truth) So I'm trying...trying not to focus on the negatives and focus on the positives, trying not to care as much about the things that are hurtful that go on around here and just show up for work and earn my paycheck and benefits, trying to figure out what's next for me and how to make it happen, trying to have patience to wait it out and find out what is in store for me. I know there is a plan, just can't wait to see where that plan will take me. It's time...
After delaying my review for days/weeks, I am finally scheduled to have my review in 1.5 hours. I am dreading it. Moreso because it is never a good thing here. Actually, let me rephrase that - it hasn't been a good thing for the past few years. Funny thing is that when I was brand new to the job and knew nothing about recruiting, I always got the highest rating, etc. Now suddenly, when I've been here almost 6 years and am lightyears ahead of where I was before, I never seem to be able to get the highest rating (2nd hightest but still). And after the year I've had where I worked my butt off in both my regular job, the job I am doing for our GLOBAL recruiting team, AND for my local office in setting up a new mentorship program and training program, I find it hilarious that I likely will not be getting the highest rating. Actually not hilarious - just infuriating!
I also hate it because my boss typically hands me the review, tells me to read it while she stares at me (awkward!!!) and then wants to "talk about" which involves me having to push her on things I have questions about, her not having any answers, and her getting offended that I'm asking...I can't wait! Here's hoping I can live through the next few hours and just have this bs over with! Then maybe I can try to adjust my attitude to deal with this place for the temporary time being and keep working to find something new for the future. Wish me luck!
After delaying my review for days/weeks, I am finally scheduled to have my review in 1.5 hours. I am dreading it. Moreso because it is never a good thing here. Actually, let me rephrase that - it hasn't been a good thing for the past few years. Funny thing is that when I was brand new to the job and knew nothing about recruiting, I always got the highest rating, etc. Now suddenly, when I've been here almost 6 years and am lightyears ahead of where I was before, I never seem to be able to get the highest rating (2nd hightest but still). And after the year I've had where I worked my butt off in both my regular job, the job I am doing for our GLOBAL recruiting team, AND for my local office in setting up a new mentorship program and training program, I find it hilarious that I likely will not be getting the highest rating. Actually not hilarious - just infuriating!
I also hate it because my boss typically hands me the review, tells me to read it while she stares at me (awkward!!!) and then wants to "talk about" which involves me having to push her on things I have questions about, her not having any answers, and her getting offended that I'm asking...I can't wait! Here's hoping I can live through the next few hours and just have this bs over with! Then maybe I can try to adjust my attitude to deal with this place for the temporary time being and keep working to find something new for the future. Wish me luck!
4.08.2011
War of My Life
I'm trying to listen to my iPod right now to not think of all the things in my head and the John Mayer song, "War of My Life" is on and I am just thinking about how appropriate it is right now. I know it's dumb, but I really think I am in the war of my life right now. I feel like I'm fighting for everything these days, mainly related to work and my future career.
I told you this was going to be a stressful week because it's review time and every one is stressed out and crazy. I went into this week thinking that if I could just survive this week, it would all be over and done with and I could move on in whatever direction God had planned for me. But unfortunately I was wrong!
I still have yet to have my review - in fact it hasn't even been schedule despite the fact that it was in our original process for HR that all reviews were to be delivered between April 1st and April 8th. Yesterday, my coworker got ballsy enough to ask when our reviews might be and my boss said "Oh I thought I would do them next week." Um okay but why?! And if we hadn't asked, were you planning on sharing that piece of information? My boss told us then "How's Monday?", we said Ok and it is YET to be calendared for either of us. All this despite the fact that my coworker got promoted and found out by looking on our internal peoplefinder program that she had gotten promoted, not because our boss actually TOLD her. And I heard from my counterpart in LA who actually did get her review on Monday morning that they may be changing us back from exempt to non-exempt again so I have no clue what that means for my salary, etc.
Additionally, our boss got HER review yesterday directly across the hall from us (her boss sits directly across from my coworker/my office and our offices both have glass walls so you can see directly across from one to the other). Must be nice! I was stupid and got my hopes up that they would ACTUALLY take the feedback they asked for and had received and do something about it, but it doesn't seem that way. She is like a slippery seal and gets by with everything and I work my @$$ off and get nothing. Fair huh?! :)
Additionally, she had a meeting with my other two bosses this morning and didn't invite me. Not sure why or what it was about - I was hoping that meant they had actually decided to take her off my direct report and that she was talking about it with them before talking to me. But she left that meeting and came into another meeting that I was supposed to be leading and proceeded to try to take over my meeting, change up things I was working on and had already talked to her about, and genuinely giving the impression that she was running the show when an hour before she hadn't a clue or care about what was going on. So now I'm afraid that the direct OPPOSITE of what I wanted is going to happen and now she will micromanage me again.
I'm not trying to be dramatic - I really am not, but there are certain things that need to happen to make this job tolerable again. I have woken up twice this week (once this morning, once on Tuesday morning I think it was?) at 3 in the morning and while I am no longer having panic attacks as well, I just lie there in bed awake for about 2 hours thinking about everything and then fall back to sleep for about an hour before I have to get up for work. I may be goofy but I don't believe that a job should cause that much stress that it is waking you up in the middle of the night. But what do I know?!
I just don't know how much longer I can take this. However, our family really relies on my income and benefits, so I'm going to have to find something really good before I can go somewhere else. But I am just going to start looking even harder and praying about it, and I know that something will come along one way or another. God is testing me for a reason, just ready to find out what it is and why. Of course all of this comes right before my hubby's birthday (his birthday is actually on Monday), so I'm trying my hardest to get it all out of my system before I get home tonight so that I can *try* to be happy and celebrate with him. He doesn't deserve to be punished for my crappy situation at work, so I need to get a better attitude before then (hence the need for my angry blog! ha!).
Hope you all have a fabulous weekend and hope I can survive another few days of this chaos and then can figure out what's next!
I told you this was going to be a stressful week because it's review time and every one is stressed out and crazy. I went into this week thinking that if I could just survive this week, it would all be over and done with and I could move on in whatever direction God had planned for me. But unfortunately I was wrong!
I still have yet to have my review - in fact it hasn't even been schedule despite the fact that it was in our original process for HR that all reviews were to be delivered between April 1st and April 8th. Yesterday, my coworker got ballsy enough to ask when our reviews might be and my boss said "Oh I thought I would do them next week." Um okay but why?! And if we hadn't asked, were you planning on sharing that piece of information? My boss told us then "How's Monday?", we said Ok and it is YET to be calendared for either of us. All this despite the fact that my coworker got promoted and found out by looking on our internal peoplefinder program that she had gotten promoted, not because our boss actually TOLD her. And I heard from my counterpart in LA who actually did get her review on Monday morning that they may be changing us back from exempt to non-exempt again so I have no clue what that means for my salary, etc.
Additionally, our boss got HER review yesterday directly across the hall from us (her boss sits directly across from my coworker/my office and our offices both have glass walls so you can see directly across from one to the other). Must be nice! I was stupid and got my hopes up that they would ACTUALLY take the feedback they asked for and had received and do something about it, but it doesn't seem that way. She is like a slippery seal and gets by with everything and I work my @$$ off and get nothing. Fair huh?! :)
Additionally, she had a meeting with my other two bosses this morning and didn't invite me. Not sure why or what it was about - I was hoping that meant they had actually decided to take her off my direct report and that she was talking about it with them before talking to me. But she left that meeting and came into another meeting that I was supposed to be leading and proceeded to try to take over my meeting, change up things I was working on and had already talked to her about, and genuinely giving the impression that she was running the show when an hour before she hadn't a clue or care about what was going on. So now I'm afraid that the direct OPPOSITE of what I wanted is going to happen and now she will micromanage me again.
I'm not trying to be dramatic - I really am not, but there are certain things that need to happen to make this job tolerable again. I have woken up twice this week (once this morning, once on Tuesday morning I think it was?) at 3 in the morning and while I am no longer having panic attacks as well, I just lie there in bed awake for about 2 hours thinking about everything and then fall back to sleep for about an hour before I have to get up for work. I may be goofy but I don't believe that a job should cause that much stress that it is waking you up in the middle of the night. But what do I know?!
I just don't know how much longer I can take this. However, our family really relies on my income and benefits, so I'm going to have to find something really good before I can go somewhere else. But I am just going to start looking even harder and praying about it, and I know that something will come along one way or another. God is testing me for a reason, just ready to find out what it is and why. Of course all of this comes right before my hubby's birthday (his birthday is actually on Monday), so I'm trying my hardest to get it all out of my system before I get home tonight so that I can *try* to be happy and celebrate with him. He doesn't deserve to be punished for my crappy situation at work, so I need to get a better attitude before then (hence the need for my angry blog! ha!).
Hope you all have a fabulous weekend and hope I can survive another few days of this chaos and then can figure out what's next!
3.09.2011
I'm starting to think I just need to give up
I guess I really just need to stop complaining and give up caring. Because that seems to be my only option left. My parents, my in-laws, and even my husband think I need to be more "grateful" for the job I have and that I just need to stick it out. It makes me want to scream!!!! I didn't work my ass off in high school and college and for all of these years to just be grateful for the fact that I'm getting taken advantage of by my company and sit around treading water. I can't even fathom sitting in this same spot for another 5 years. Are you kidding me?! Something has to give so I guess it's going to have to be me.
I'm just going to have to not care. Come to work by 8:30 and leave at 5:30. Anything that can't get done in those hours, I can't stress about. If my performance/service isn't as good, so be it and I guess it doesn't really matter because even when I work my ass off it gets me nowhere. It's a terrible attitude to have but I don't know what else to do. I am STUCK because of benefits, because it's an otherwise good place to work (other than getting jipped on $$ and career path).
We had a meeting yesterday saying that we will all likely get a 3% raise this year (our reviews are in the beginning of April). 3%?! In 2009, we got 0% because of the economy, last year everyone else got 2% (when I got -5% due to losing my OT), and now this year 3%. So not only will that not even cover the amount I LOST last year (so now I will make less in 2010 & 2011 than I did in 2008 & 2009 and no I didn't lose my job or get demoted - I actually got PROMOTED), but it also will probably not even cover the cost of living increases since the last time I got a raise in 2008 nor the enormous gas bill I now have every week from gas prices being through the roof. Oh and let's not even get into the fact that I'm fairly certain they are going to move our freaking office even further away from where I live in the next year or so!!!!
But I should just be grateful. I probably sound like a spoiled brat because I am grateful to have a job and to make money and to have stability. But because I have those things, I should just lie down and sit in misery? I don't work the hours I do, give up the time and travel away from my family and my son that I do, or give up my weekends during the summer that I do or even deal with the stress that I have to deal with in my job on a daily basis for NOTHING. Oh and let's not even talk about the time I have given up on my VACATIONS, or when I was SICK, or even when I was on MEDICAL LEAVE, and I still had to work my ass off. If I'm going to sacrifice, it needs to be for a reason. A real promotion or extra money, not out of the goodness of my heart because I need to be grateful.
So I guess I'm just going to give up and keep taking it up the tailpipe until I'm allowed to be ungrateful again!
I'm just going to have to not care. Come to work by 8:30 and leave at 5:30. Anything that can't get done in those hours, I can't stress about. If my performance/service isn't as good, so be it and I guess it doesn't really matter because even when I work my ass off it gets me nowhere. It's a terrible attitude to have but I don't know what else to do. I am STUCK because of benefits, because it's an otherwise good place to work (other than getting jipped on $$ and career path).
We had a meeting yesterday saying that we will all likely get a 3% raise this year (our reviews are in the beginning of April). 3%?! In 2009, we got 0% because of the economy, last year everyone else got 2% (when I got -5% due to losing my OT), and now this year 3%. So not only will that not even cover the amount I LOST last year (so now I will make less in 2010 & 2011 than I did in 2008 & 2009 and no I didn't lose my job or get demoted - I actually got PROMOTED), but it also will probably not even cover the cost of living increases since the last time I got a raise in 2008 nor the enormous gas bill I now have every week from gas prices being through the roof. Oh and let's not even get into the fact that I'm fairly certain they are going to move our freaking office even further away from where I live in the next year or so!!!!
But I should just be grateful. I probably sound like a spoiled brat because I am grateful to have a job and to make money and to have stability. But because I have those things, I should just lie down and sit in misery? I don't work the hours I do, give up the time and travel away from my family and my son that I do, or give up my weekends during the summer that I do or even deal with the stress that I have to deal with in my job on a daily basis for NOTHING. Oh and let's not even talk about the time I have given up on my VACATIONS, or when I was SICK, or even when I was on MEDICAL LEAVE, and I still had to work my ass off. If I'm going to sacrifice, it needs to be for a reason. A real promotion or extra money, not out of the goodness of my heart because I need to be grateful.
So I guess I'm just going to give up and keep taking it up the tailpipe until I'm allowed to be ungrateful again!
3.03.2011
Stuck
After reading GFF's post today, I was so happy for her that she has found her happy place. And then I started about thinking about what would get me to find my happy place. I feel like for the most part I try to be a happy person and appreciate the wonderful blessings we have in our life. But I am often get bogged down in worry and defeat and end up feeling stuck. It's a terrible feeling, one that I want out of my life forever, but that's just not realistic I guess. Just ready for a shift to the more positive!
I've been thinking a lot lately about what to do with my career. And I'm sure the few, if any, readers I have are tired of me talking about work. But it's a place where I spend a TON of my time, and right now it's just not making me happy. Don't get me wrong, there are some definite good things in my job - I enjoy what I actually do for the most part, just hate some of the circumstances that are involved with doing it. However, when I think about what my other options are, I just can't move forward to see any. Right now, I do campus recruiting - I had a few calls randomly this week about agency or high volume type recruiting, but I just really don't see myself being interested in that type of work.
So now the question is: is that my only option if I stay in this field? And if it is and it doesn't appeal to me, then what next? It is so frustrating to be in these shoes. I feel like here I am, almost 10 years after graduating from college (yikes!) and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't remember anyone telling me when I was younger how difficult it would be to manage my career. I guess it would be easier if I knew I was passionate about a certain career - like if I wanted to be a doctor or lawyer or teacher. But I guess I still don't really know what I want to do or be. All I know is I can't imagine my life in this same spot for another 5 years, which is where I feel I will be stuck if I stay. I wish there was a test you could take and it would help guide you. I just have many interests and every time I think I find a path, there is a roadblock. I just hope I can get unstuck soon....
I've been thinking a lot lately about what to do with my career. And I'm sure the few, if any, readers I have are tired of me talking about work. But it's a place where I spend a TON of my time, and right now it's just not making me happy. Don't get me wrong, there are some definite good things in my job - I enjoy what I actually do for the most part, just hate some of the circumstances that are involved with doing it. However, when I think about what my other options are, I just can't move forward to see any. Right now, I do campus recruiting - I had a few calls randomly this week about agency or high volume type recruiting, but I just really don't see myself being interested in that type of work.
So now the question is: is that my only option if I stay in this field? And if it is and it doesn't appeal to me, then what next? It is so frustrating to be in these shoes. I feel like here I am, almost 10 years after graduating from college (yikes!) and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't remember anyone telling me when I was younger how difficult it would be to manage my career. I guess it would be easier if I knew I was passionate about a certain career - like if I wanted to be a doctor or lawyer or teacher. But I guess I still don't really know what I want to do or be. All I know is I can't imagine my life in this same spot for another 5 years, which is where I feel I will be stuck if I stay. I wish there was a test you could take and it would help guide you. I just have many interests and every time I think I find a path, there is a roadblock. I just hope I can get unstuck soon....
3.01.2011
I really need to get better about this blogging thing!
So I completed disappeared for about two months, but now I am back again and will try to blog more often. I didn't get an iPhone yet (being kind of bratty about it because I heard the iPhone5 was coming out in June/July and I figured if I have waited this long, I can probably wait a few more months!), so still won't have tons of pictures but hopefully I can get better about plugging in the camera more often and posting.
Updates:
1) My surgery went well. It was way more painful than I remembered my c-section being (probably because this time they had to move things around in there and scrape things all up), but I survived and now almost 8 weeks afterwards, I'm starting to feel back to normal other than the flabbiness around the scar which I started working on yesterday with my workout routine.
2) January & February were pretty hellatious months for me for a number of reasons. Mostly having to do with work but some other factors as well - Austin's aunt passed away from cancer in January which was sad, work was utterly crazy including the time I was SUPPOSED to be on medical leave so I never really felt like I got a break, and the weather here in early February made things even more complicated because despite school and work being closed, I had a TON to get done so didn't get to enjoy it much.
3) I am SO thankful for the warmer, sunnier weather. I have realized that the weather really does affect my mood at times and the combination of the freezing cold and all that was going on with my recovery and work and everything else just made me slightly out of it. I'm glad to be feeling more normal again! :)
The biggest thing that you can probably see throughout this post is that work is driving me nuts in all ways. Not only did I have to work for half of my "medical leave" which really sucked, but I had to work like crazy helping out the other half of my team with their stuff and no one ever wants to help me. I wouldn't mind but I was busy too and things just got crazy with having to plan things for two different cities/offices and people cancelling at the last minute and everything. It's all over now and things should be slower for the next few months at least, but it was really just a very trying time.
Additionally, this time of year is our review time, so that always makes things feel worse around here. It seems like every year we hope that something will finally change and be better and yet it doesn't. I feel very, very stuck in many ways because we have such good benefits here and those are very important to my family due to my hubby's type 1 diabetes and my endometriosis and our son. Plus I make decent money so everyone just thinks I should stay here. Which would be great and all if I could actually be recognized for all of the work I do and if I was actually making the kind of money that would justify me traveling as much as I do, spending as much time on my vacations/sick days/etc. on work as I do, and generally working my tail off. But I'm DEFINITELY NOT and the money that they shorted me last year when they switched me from non-exempt to exempt is still probably not going to be made up this year according to a few people who are "in the know." I makes me furious that my "raise" this year will still not even put me at the amount I made in 2008 & 2009 and that last year in 2010 when I was supposedly promoted as well, I made several thousand dollars LESS than those previous years. How is that a promotion?!
Additionally, there is nothing else for me here. There is no career path, no opportunities for advancement, nothing more than continued hard work for middle pay. And I think I'm better than that. But the question is where would I go? How would I find another place with just as good of benefits and more money and opportunity? I'm sure they exist but where and how do you know? I had no idea when I started here 5.5 years ago that I would reach my peak in salary 3 years after I came and then go downhill from there...this is just now how I envisioned my work life to be when I was younger and I just don't know what to do from here.
Okay, guess I have rambled enough for now...just need to try to let some of this go. But I will try to write more frequently now that things have slowed down a bit for work. I'm looking forward to taking vacation in a few weeks - we are going to Hilton Head with my family for a week and I am hoping for nice weather so we can walk on the beach and just relax. Now I just need to fnid a good book! :)
Updates:
1) My surgery went well. It was way more painful than I remembered my c-section being (probably because this time they had to move things around in there and scrape things all up), but I survived and now almost 8 weeks afterwards, I'm starting to feel back to normal other than the flabbiness around the scar which I started working on yesterday with my workout routine.
2) January & February were pretty hellatious months for me for a number of reasons. Mostly having to do with work but some other factors as well - Austin's aunt passed away from cancer in January which was sad, work was utterly crazy including the time I was SUPPOSED to be on medical leave so I never really felt like I got a break, and the weather here in early February made things even more complicated because despite school and work being closed, I had a TON to get done so didn't get to enjoy it much.
3) I am SO thankful for the warmer, sunnier weather. I have realized that the weather really does affect my mood at times and the combination of the freezing cold and all that was going on with my recovery and work and everything else just made me slightly out of it. I'm glad to be feeling more normal again! :)
The biggest thing that you can probably see throughout this post is that work is driving me nuts in all ways. Not only did I have to work for half of my "medical leave" which really sucked, but I had to work like crazy helping out the other half of my team with their stuff and no one ever wants to help me. I wouldn't mind but I was busy too and things just got crazy with having to plan things for two different cities/offices and people cancelling at the last minute and everything. It's all over now and things should be slower for the next few months at least, but it was really just a very trying time.
Additionally, this time of year is our review time, so that always makes things feel worse around here. It seems like every year we hope that something will finally change and be better and yet it doesn't. I feel very, very stuck in many ways because we have such good benefits here and those are very important to my family due to my hubby's type 1 diabetes and my endometriosis and our son. Plus I make decent money so everyone just thinks I should stay here. Which would be great and all if I could actually be recognized for all of the work I do and if I was actually making the kind of money that would justify me traveling as much as I do, spending as much time on my vacations/sick days/etc. on work as I do, and generally working my tail off. But I'm DEFINITELY NOT and the money that they shorted me last year when they switched me from non-exempt to exempt is still probably not going to be made up this year according to a few people who are "in the know." I makes me furious that my "raise" this year will still not even put me at the amount I made in 2008 & 2009 and that last year in 2010 when I was supposedly promoted as well, I made several thousand dollars LESS than those previous years. How is that a promotion?!
Additionally, there is nothing else for me here. There is no career path, no opportunities for advancement, nothing more than continued hard work for middle pay. And I think I'm better than that. But the question is where would I go? How would I find another place with just as good of benefits and more money and opportunity? I'm sure they exist but where and how do you know? I had no idea when I started here 5.5 years ago that I would reach my peak in salary 3 years after I came and then go downhill from there...this is just now how I envisioned my work life to be when I was younger and I just don't know what to do from here.
Okay, guess I have rambled enough for now...just need to try to let some of this go. But I will try to write more frequently now that things have slowed down a bit for work. I'm looking forward to taking vacation in a few weeks - we are going to Hilton Head with my family for a week and I am hoping for nice weather so we can walk on the beach and just relax. Now I just need to fnid a good book! :)
11.30.2010
The Good and the Bad
Things that are good (great!) right now:
1) Spent a wonderful 5 days off this weekend enjoying the holidays with my son and hubby and some of hubby's family - included getting our Christmas tree, reading, getting stuff done around the house, cooking, and the Parade of Lights which was super fun
2) Trying hard to enjoy the holiday season even though it's hectic this time of year and we have at least one thing (sometimes both days) every weekend from now until the new year, but my husband is like Clark Griswald and his enthusiasm is infectious
3) Picked out super cute glasses yesterday after finally going to my overdue eye appointment and they should be in soon
4) Had a good conversation with my parents/mom a few weekends ago and am working to repair that relationship again - really hoping it sticks this time so this nonsense can stop - so far so good
Things that are not so good:
1) Went to my gyn today to do another check-up on my endometriosis/ovarian cysts and found out the left one is continuing to get bigger and I am likely going to have to have surgery AGAIN to remove the cyst (and possibly part of the ovary depending on damage) - I am none to pleased on this one because I just had surgery in December of last year and that one was fairly easy - this one will require an overnight hospital stay plus 2 weeks of recovery :( and I am dreading the possibility of this happening every year from now until I get a hysterectomy....grrrrrrrr. Of course calendar-wise, there isn't much good timing left either before I get busy with work again so may need to do it the week after Christmas or at the latest the first week of January or will have to wait until March which then interferes with son's birthday and potential family vacation to Hilton Head
2) Still very frustrated with job situation. Right now I feel a bit better because I'm not traveling and not so crazy busy that I can't think, but I want more out of life than this and not sure how to fix it without losing the awesome benefits that we have here. This is one I will continue to work on in 2011 I think!
3) Due to #2 and their lovely idea of a "promotion" we are more short on $$ than I would like to be with housing taxes needing to be paid in January and Christmas presents to be bought. We are trying to be frugal this year and keep our credit card debt as minimal as possible, but it sucks. Can't wait until I get my bonus in April and can pay things down and hopefully get a raise and then in the fall of next year when we will get money back from not having to pay for preschool/daycare any more.
4) Feel like a bad mother some days because 1) son was picked on by bullies last week and had a black eye for Thanksgiving weekend because some stupid kid pushed him into a pole and he hit his cheek bone and 2) back to #3, we are likely going to have to put son in public elementary school at least (not opposed to public school but our district is not as good as I want it to be and especially won't send him for middle/high school there) to save some money for a bit. Hoping he will get into the charter school (lottery on 12/18 - fingers crossed), but if not it's only a few years right? :)
I am trying hard to focus on the goods and not the bads because that stuff can get me down. We are very blessed compared to so many other families this year and if it means we have to sacrifice a bit now for a bigger payoff later, then so be it! I am just ready for some good things to start happening with work and the economy! Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and hope to write more now that I have a bit more time at work. :)
1) Spent a wonderful 5 days off this weekend enjoying the holidays with my son and hubby and some of hubby's family - included getting our Christmas tree, reading, getting stuff done around the house, cooking, and the Parade of Lights which was super fun
2) Trying hard to enjoy the holiday season even though it's hectic this time of year and we have at least one thing (sometimes both days) every weekend from now until the new year, but my husband is like Clark Griswald and his enthusiasm is infectious
3) Picked out super cute glasses yesterday after finally going to my overdue eye appointment and they should be in soon
4) Had a good conversation with my parents/mom a few weekends ago and am working to repair that relationship again - really hoping it sticks this time so this nonsense can stop - so far so good
Things that are not so good:
1) Went to my gyn today to do another check-up on my endometriosis/ovarian cysts and found out the left one is continuing to get bigger and I am likely going to have to have surgery AGAIN to remove the cyst (and possibly part of the ovary depending on damage) - I am none to pleased on this one because I just had surgery in December of last year and that one was fairly easy - this one will require an overnight hospital stay plus 2 weeks of recovery :( and I am dreading the possibility of this happening every year from now until I get a hysterectomy....grrrrrrrr. Of course calendar-wise, there isn't much good timing left either before I get busy with work again so may need to do it the week after Christmas or at the latest the first week of January or will have to wait until March which then interferes with son's birthday and potential family vacation to Hilton Head
2) Still very frustrated with job situation. Right now I feel a bit better because I'm not traveling and not so crazy busy that I can't think, but I want more out of life than this and not sure how to fix it without losing the awesome benefits that we have here. This is one I will continue to work on in 2011 I think!
3) Due to #2 and their lovely idea of a "promotion" we are more short on $$ than I would like to be with housing taxes needing to be paid in January and Christmas presents to be bought. We are trying to be frugal this year and keep our credit card debt as minimal as possible, but it sucks. Can't wait until I get my bonus in April and can pay things down and hopefully get a raise and then in the fall of next year when we will get money back from not having to pay for preschool/daycare any more.
4) Feel like a bad mother some days because 1) son was picked on by bullies last week and had a black eye for Thanksgiving weekend because some stupid kid pushed him into a pole and he hit his cheek bone and 2) back to #3, we are likely going to have to put son in public elementary school at least (not opposed to public school but our district is not as good as I want it to be and especially won't send him for middle/high school there) to save some money for a bit. Hoping he will get into the charter school (lottery on 12/18 - fingers crossed), but if not it's only a few years right? :)
I am trying hard to focus on the goods and not the bads because that stuff can get me down. We are very blessed compared to so many other families this year and if it means we have to sacrifice a bit now for a bigger payoff later, then so be it! I am just ready for some good things to start happening with work and the economy! Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and hope to write more now that I have a bit more time at work. :)
11.03.2010
Today
Today started out bad. It took me an hour and a half to get to work this morning and it was slow and rainy and cold (boo!). Someone also tried to kill me by braking to turn at the last minute and thank God I have a newish car with good brakes and traction control! I finally made it in, and as I am walking into the office, I was checking e-mails on my blackberry and come across one saying they are taking away our corporate purchasing cards. So that means all of the money I spend on events and catering and all kinds of other things will now be floated on my own personal credit card. Shoot me! That's a whole lot of money to be floating for my company (average bill is anywhere from $5000 to $15000 per month!). I guess I will try to look at the bright side of getting lots of points! ;)
Then I got an e-mail last night on my drive home from the manager for that position I was interviewing for. She asked if I had time for a call today. I pretty much realized then that meant I wasn't getting the job, so I had prepared myself. I just had the call about 30 minutes ago and sure enough, they chose someone else. What a day!!! One of my friends in marketing said that she thinks they will be hiring a regional alumni person soon so maybe I can apply for that. I hope so because I need something to change soon.
I promised to not be as negative, but I really feel like I deserve to be treated more fairly. I am a hard worker and give my all, I have book and street smarts, and I have natural leadership abilities. And yet somehow, it isn't recognized or rewarded... :( So if anyone knows of an awesome company out there who is looking for a great worker in the event planning or recruiting or HR fields, let me know. :)
Then I got an e-mail last night on my drive home from the manager for that position I was interviewing for. She asked if I had time for a call today. I pretty much realized then that meant I wasn't getting the job, so I had prepared myself. I just had the call about 30 minutes ago and sure enough, they chose someone else. What a day!!! One of my friends in marketing said that she thinks they will be hiring a regional alumni person soon so maybe I can apply for that. I hope so because I need something to change soon.
I promised to not be as negative, but I really feel like I deserve to be treated more fairly. I am a hard worker and give my all, I have book and street smarts, and I have natural leadership abilities. And yet somehow, it isn't recognized or rewarded... :( So if anyone knows of an awesome company out there who is looking for a great worker in the event planning or recruiting or HR fields, let me know. :)
10.19.2010
Frustration
Sometimes I get so frustrated about things that it makes me want to cry. Luckily today is not one of those days, but it could have been yesterday. I don't know it's due to my anxiety or I'm just a perfectionist or what is going on, but lately I have been stressing about money. I don't really have a good reason to be - hubby and I both have jobs that pay fairly well and are secure, and we have a nice house and 2 nice cars and are definitely not living a bad life in any way. But I still get stressed because I want to be paying down debt or putting away money into savings, and we aren't able to do any of those things. We are able to make our bills, have a little bit of extra spending here and there, and that's about it. I know next year depending on what we do with our son for kindergarten, we will hopefully have some extra $$ back from daycare/preschool expenses. But that won't be until next August at the earliest.
I think the thing that gets me the most is that here I am busting my butt day in and day out at work and traveling all over this country, and for what? I'm not getting the overtime and doubletime any more which helped us save a little extra here and there. I'm not even going to make in salary this year what I made with salary and extra last year even though I got promoted. It's a crock. Hubby just got a little raise about 2 months ago which has helped tremendously, but then why does it feel like it's never enough?
I know this sounds super whiny because there are many people out there right now who don't have jobs and have had to give up their houses or cars or whatever to make ends meet. And we are nowhere near that so I should probably just shut up. But I still worry because I don't want to get to that place ever. I keep hoping and praying that something great will come along for us and the economy will get better and we'll get better about managing our money. We are working on it and trying to buy less "prizes" for our son and stick to the necessities for a little while so we can save up a bit for Christmas presents. But it sucks and it frustrates me.
Here's hoping tomorrow's interview goes well and I'm one step closer to a solution to ALL of this!
I think the thing that gets me the most is that here I am busting my butt day in and day out at work and traveling all over this country, and for what? I'm not getting the overtime and doubletime any more which helped us save a little extra here and there. I'm not even going to make in salary this year what I made with salary and extra last year even though I got promoted. It's a crock. Hubby just got a little raise about 2 months ago which has helped tremendously, but then why does it feel like it's never enough?
I know this sounds super whiny because there are many people out there right now who don't have jobs and have had to give up their houses or cars or whatever to make ends meet. And we are nowhere near that so I should probably just shut up. But I still worry because I don't want to get to that place ever. I keep hoping and praying that something great will come along for us and the economy will get better and we'll get better about managing our money. We are working on it and trying to buy less "prizes" for our son and stick to the necessities for a little while so we can save up a bit for Christmas presents. But it sucks and it frustrates me.
Here's hoping tomorrow's interview goes well and I'm one step closer to a solution to ALL of this!
10.11.2010
Where am I?
I have like zero time to write this but I'm going to anyways because I've been neglecting again and I don't want to lose the very few readers I have! :) Here is the quick update:
-I have been getting absolutely 100% killed at work. I broke down in tears one day a few weeks ago because it's just so overwhelming sometimes (and I was PMSing!) and I feel like no matter what I do it's never enough. The good thing is that the days fly by quickly, but the bad thing is that I still feel like there is never enough time to get everything done. After the next two weeks, things should slow down slightly before my big weekend in November. Let's hope I can make it!
-As a result of above, I have been having more anxiety and panic attacks and symptoms. It sucks. No job should do this to your body, but this one does. I have gotten really good at counting in my head (sounds crazy I know), praying, meditating, and trying to envision my fears/problems going away from me on a conveyor belt. So strange that I'm even typing this because it doesn't feel like me, but it has become a part of my reality. I hope it stays dormant again soon.
-On the job front, I made it to the 2nd round of interviews with the position within my company! I'm so excited! :) I was asked to send my last two reviews in a few weeks ago and then last week they asked me to conduct another round of scenario style interviews. I'm a little nervous for that, but luckily I don't really have too much time to think about it! Those interviews are next Monday, and I'm hoping I make it through those to the last round which will be a call with the global head of the department who sits in London. Keep your fingers crossed!
-In my current position, I am at least being recognized nationally, as I was chosen on Friday as the trainer for the new system we are rolling out next year. I was picked as the trainer for all of North America for people who do my job. So now when can I get the paycheck, hours, and recognition that really should come along with all of that? Clearly people recognize what I do, but I just can't get the formality of making it further. Something's gotta give one of these days! At least if I don't get this other position, or if something falls through, I can look forward to this which will involve training in Boston in May and June.
-Life is good at home. Love my son so much and my hubby too! We had a WONDERFUL anniversary including massage and pedicure, amazing dinner at Tillman's Roadhouse (if you live in the area you must try it - they have one in Dallas and one in Ft. Worth which is where we went), and an evening in a nice hotel downtown. Even though I stay in hotels all the time for work, it was nice to have my hubby there with me and have an evening for just the two of us away from it all - even if it was only 15 miles or so from our house!
-That's all I have time for and that takes care of the main things! I hope to come back with good news soon!
-I have been getting absolutely 100% killed at work. I broke down in tears one day a few weeks ago because it's just so overwhelming sometimes (and I was PMSing!) and I feel like no matter what I do it's never enough. The good thing is that the days fly by quickly, but the bad thing is that I still feel like there is never enough time to get everything done. After the next two weeks, things should slow down slightly before my big weekend in November. Let's hope I can make it!
-As a result of above, I have been having more anxiety and panic attacks and symptoms. It sucks. No job should do this to your body, but this one does. I have gotten really good at counting in my head (sounds crazy I know), praying, meditating, and trying to envision my fears/problems going away from me on a conveyor belt. So strange that I'm even typing this because it doesn't feel like me, but it has become a part of my reality. I hope it stays dormant again soon.
-On the job front, I made it to the 2nd round of interviews with the position within my company! I'm so excited! :) I was asked to send my last two reviews in a few weeks ago and then last week they asked me to conduct another round of scenario style interviews. I'm a little nervous for that, but luckily I don't really have too much time to think about it! Those interviews are next Monday, and I'm hoping I make it through those to the last round which will be a call with the global head of the department who sits in London. Keep your fingers crossed!
-In my current position, I am at least being recognized nationally, as I was chosen on Friday as the trainer for the new system we are rolling out next year. I was picked as the trainer for all of North America for people who do my job. So now when can I get the paycheck, hours, and recognition that really should come along with all of that? Clearly people recognize what I do, but I just can't get the formality of making it further. Something's gotta give one of these days! At least if I don't get this other position, or if something falls through, I can look forward to this which will involve training in Boston in May and June.
-Life is good at home. Love my son so much and my hubby too! We had a WONDERFUL anniversary including massage and pedicure, amazing dinner at Tillman's Roadhouse (if you live in the area you must try it - they have one in Dallas and one in Ft. Worth which is where we went), and an evening in a nice hotel downtown. Even though I stay in hotels all the time for work, it was nice to have my hubby there with me and have an evening for just the two of us away from it all - even if it was only 15 miles or so from our house!
-That's all I have time for and that takes care of the main things! I hope to come back with good news soon!
4.07.2010
I am slowing going crazy....1,2,3,4,5,6 switch!
When I was little, we had this silly song that we used to sing in music class that has always stuck in my head for some reason. And right now I feel like I am slowing going crazy so the song pops into my head several times a day. Why you may ask? For a few reasons that I'm about to tell you whether you want me to or not! The first is that I am extremely bored at this time of year. I like being busy. I like being productive. And right now, I'm not really able to be either. It's not that busy because this is our "slow" time at work until the summer program starts in June, and I'm not able to be productive because the few things I have to work on need to be run through my boss and she is ignoring my e-mails and is generally doing nothing as well. Ergo, I can't be productive either. It is infuriating!
So I've used the opportunity, even though I feel guilty about it, to do some of my school work on company time. I wouldn't normally do that, but rather than just sit here and be bored and do nothing all day, at least I'm learning. And that is one thing that is going well. I am enjoying my class so far and have found it enlightening and informative which are all good things. I finished the first module which was scheduled for two weeks in about 5 days including taking the test for that module and scoring 100%! So I'm happy that I took the steps to get that done. :)
Another thing that is slowly driving me crazy is the fact that I have yet to have my review (or even to have it scheduled). Last year at this time, when it didn't even matter because we weren't getting any raises or anything, I had already received my review by this point in time. This year, I apparently finally got the promotion I should have received! However, I don't know anything about the terms (it will switch me from non-exempt to exempt) and I found out because the internal people finder says my updated title and my timecard changed on Monday when I submitted from last week. But did my boss say a word to me? NO NOT A PEEP! It is probably the most disrespectful thing she could have done, and I can't wait until the officewide meeting when they will probably announce my promotion and I still won't have received my comp letter or review. I have no idea when I will get paid again (non-exempt gets paid weekly, exempt is only twice a month) or how much I am now making. It is just so poor managing it amazes me.
Along with that, I was sort of secretly hoping that they would realize what a poor manager I have and do something about it this review cycle. But I am feeling fairly confident that I am going to have to continue to deal with this situation for awhile longer. It makes me want to scream or cry in frustration on an almost daily basis and when it's busy it is very counterproductive to getting work done. I don't know how I will do it. I know I can because I have dealt with it for some time now, but it is the one thing that makes my job extra miserable. I think without that frustrating, stressful situation, I would be happy at work. I wish this would resolve, and I feel like my patience has been tested long enough. But I will just keep waiting and hoping for something good to come along!
In addition, I feel helpless for my husband's situation. His work is driving him nuts and it affects both him and me/our son on an almost daily basis. For some reason, he is too afraid to even apply to another job, to even see what other options he might have. I hope he can be brave enough to push his boundaries and take this next step. I am ready for us both to have a change in this area of our lives so that it can be less crushing on the rest of our lives.
Here's hoping to good things ahead and that I don't actually go crazy! j/k ;)
So I've used the opportunity, even though I feel guilty about it, to do some of my school work on company time. I wouldn't normally do that, but rather than just sit here and be bored and do nothing all day, at least I'm learning. And that is one thing that is going well. I am enjoying my class so far and have found it enlightening and informative which are all good things. I finished the first module which was scheduled for two weeks in about 5 days including taking the test for that module and scoring 100%! So I'm happy that I took the steps to get that done. :)
Another thing that is slowly driving me crazy is the fact that I have yet to have my review (or even to have it scheduled). Last year at this time, when it didn't even matter because we weren't getting any raises or anything, I had already received my review by this point in time. This year, I apparently finally got the promotion I should have received! However, I don't know anything about the terms (it will switch me from non-exempt to exempt) and I found out because the internal people finder says my updated title and my timecard changed on Monday when I submitted from last week. But did my boss say a word to me? NO NOT A PEEP! It is probably the most disrespectful thing she could have done, and I can't wait until the officewide meeting when they will probably announce my promotion and I still won't have received my comp letter or review. I have no idea when I will get paid again (non-exempt gets paid weekly, exempt is only twice a month) or how much I am now making. It is just so poor managing it amazes me.
Along with that, I was sort of secretly hoping that they would realize what a poor manager I have and do something about it this review cycle. But I am feeling fairly confident that I am going to have to continue to deal with this situation for awhile longer. It makes me want to scream or cry in frustration on an almost daily basis and when it's busy it is very counterproductive to getting work done. I don't know how I will do it. I know I can because I have dealt with it for some time now, but it is the one thing that makes my job extra miserable. I think without that frustrating, stressful situation, I would be happy at work. I wish this would resolve, and I feel like my patience has been tested long enough. But I will just keep waiting and hoping for something good to come along!
In addition, I feel helpless for my husband's situation. His work is driving him nuts and it affects both him and me/our son on an almost daily basis. For some reason, he is too afraid to even apply to another job, to even see what other options he might have. I hope he can be brave enough to push his boundaries and take this next step. I am ready for us both to have a change in this area of our lives so that it can be less crushing on the rest of our lives.
Here's hoping to good things ahead and that I don't actually go crazy! j/k ;)
1.27.2010
Planning!
I am a planner - love it! I love nothing more than getting my brand new calendar for the year (or in the case of the one that I keep in my purse the school year) and filling it out with birthdays and other yearly events and then anything else I know already that is coming up ahead. It is silly and I'm sure other people dread it, but I am a planner and I'm proud of it! ;) So lately, I've been trying to plan ahead for some upcoming events.
One of these is my son's 4th birthday. Saying four just seems so very old - I can hardly believe that my little baby boy is going to four this year! But he is and there needs to be a party and this is the first year that I feel like we can't do the lame adult party at our house for him and that he needs to have some friends from school and have a "real" birthday party. So I go about looking at all of the options in the area to have a birthday party for little kids, and now I feel like the cheapest mom there is. Because the place where the other kids had their party (a local jumping party place) is $180-$250 for a party which just seems ridiculous to me for a four year olds birthday especially when I have no idea how many children will actually show. We need to invite everyone in his class which is fine (11 with my son) plus 1-3 other family/friend kids. But it is the Saturday before the local spring break so I am not sure what attendance will be like. And to pay $200+ for 5 kids to show is ridiculous (in my opinion). I want Cooper to have a WONDERFUL birthday party, but I also don't want to spend a fortune on something like that because I want to be able to get him gifts too! So frustrating!
In addition, I was going to plan a friend's baby shower and another friend's wedding shower. I think we are figuring out the wedding shower situation (she originally gave us a date 3 weeks away!), but the baby shower is a totally different story altogether. I guess I was late in asking about it because I was debating whether I wanted to be involved in hosting (just hosted 2 wedding showers for this same person not even a year ago!), so there were two other women that also offered to host. I would make a third which would be great to help split cost and burden. The one other woman is also one I worked with on one of the wedding showers so no problems there - the other is someone I don't really know. I have known my friend for nearly our entire lives (25.5 years and counting), and am obviously an important person in her life. However, the date she originally suggested is the same weekend I already booked flights to go see my grandmother (the first weekend I can really get away for a long weekend to see her when her health is failing). So we worked on another date and then the one woman e-mails the others, leaving me off, and basically says she can do either date but she prefers the date that I am gone so maybe that is better. Fine by me - one less thing I have to plan and although I'll be sad to miss it because she is my good friend, she and I can do something together later which will probably end up being more fun anyways. It's just the idea of squeezing me out that makes me hot.
On top of that, I'm trying really hard to find another avenue for me to get involved in life. I have been researching churches in the area to see if I can find a place that we would like to try out. Now I just have to convince my hubby to take the time to do it! It will take a few visits to a few different places, but it will be worth it if we find a good place and can meet good people from it. I've also looked at a few graduate programs, but that seems like such a scary venture to take on since it costs so much money. I need to figure out something though because I am not feeling 100% fulfilled in my current job and I don't see that changing any time soon. Plus we have reviews/raises coming up soon, and I have a feeling that there will be disappointment again this year from that as well as the potential move of our office location next year so that my commute would be even farther than it is now. These are all things that make the prospect of staying here in the same spot very scary. Of course considering another opportunity is even scarier! I have a feeling that 2010 is going to be a very interesting year for me as things play out in crazy ways.
I am sure I have thoroughly bored you by now (although I don't think I have any real readers anyways so I guess it doesn't matter!), so I will end my tirade of nothing. I wish this day would end...I'm over it! This has been a slow week - I wish the bad weather would come in tomorrow instead of Friday because I actually have stuff going on Friday (and DATE NIGHT WOOHOO) that I would like to do whereas tomorrow is much of nothing again. I can dream!
One of these is my son's 4th birthday. Saying four just seems so very old - I can hardly believe that my little baby boy is going to four this year! But he is and there needs to be a party and this is the first year that I feel like we can't do the lame adult party at our house for him and that he needs to have some friends from school and have a "real" birthday party. So I go about looking at all of the options in the area to have a birthday party for little kids, and now I feel like the cheapest mom there is. Because the place where the other kids had their party (a local jumping party place) is $180-$250 for a party which just seems ridiculous to me for a four year olds birthday especially when I have no idea how many children will actually show. We need to invite everyone in his class which is fine (11 with my son) plus 1-3 other family/friend kids. But it is the Saturday before the local spring break so I am not sure what attendance will be like. And to pay $200+ for 5 kids to show is ridiculous (in my opinion). I want Cooper to have a WONDERFUL birthday party, but I also don't want to spend a fortune on something like that because I want to be able to get him gifts too! So frustrating!
In addition, I was going to plan a friend's baby shower and another friend's wedding shower. I think we are figuring out the wedding shower situation (she originally gave us a date 3 weeks away!), but the baby shower is a totally different story altogether. I guess I was late in asking about it because I was debating whether I wanted to be involved in hosting (just hosted 2 wedding showers for this same person not even a year ago!), so there were two other women that also offered to host. I would make a third which would be great to help split cost and burden. The one other woman is also one I worked with on one of the wedding showers so no problems there - the other is someone I don't really know. I have known my friend for nearly our entire lives (25.5 years and counting), and am obviously an important person in her life. However, the date she originally suggested is the same weekend I already booked flights to go see my grandmother (the first weekend I can really get away for a long weekend to see her when her health is failing). So we worked on another date and then the one woman e-mails the others, leaving me off, and basically says she can do either date but she prefers the date that I am gone so maybe that is better. Fine by me - one less thing I have to plan and although I'll be sad to miss it because she is my good friend, she and I can do something together later which will probably end up being more fun anyways. It's just the idea of squeezing me out that makes me hot.
On top of that, I'm trying really hard to find another avenue for me to get involved in life. I have been researching churches in the area to see if I can find a place that we would like to try out. Now I just have to convince my hubby to take the time to do it! It will take a few visits to a few different places, but it will be worth it if we find a good place and can meet good people from it. I've also looked at a few graduate programs, but that seems like such a scary venture to take on since it costs so much money. I need to figure out something though because I am not feeling 100% fulfilled in my current job and I don't see that changing any time soon. Plus we have reviews/raises coming up soon, and I have a feeling that there will be disappointment again this year from that as well as the potential move of our office location next year so that my commute would be even farther than it is now. These are all things that make the prospect of staying here in the same spot very scary. Of course considering another opportunity is even scarier! I have a feeling that 2010 is going to be a very interesting year for me as things play out in crazy ways.
I am sure I have thoroughly bored you by now (although I don't think I have any real readers anyways so I guess it doesn't matter!), so I will end my tirade of nothing. I wish this day would end...I'm over it! This has been a slow week - I wish the bad weather would come in tomorrow instead of Friday because I actually have stuff going on Friday (and DATE NIGHT WOOHOO) that I would like to do whereas tomorrow is much of nothing again. I can dream!
1.03.2010
Stuck
I'm pissed today. I'm angry, I'm upset, and I'm generally frustrated. I feel like I can't get ANYTHING done. It's like no matter which way I turn I keep hitting a roadblock. I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I don't want to go back to dealing with the day-to-day boring b.s. from my job or my boss or anything else. I want to get sleep, I want to enjoy life, I want to be happy. I am trying but it's not working. I'm just not happy.
I can't get things done - I wanted to load the pictures from Christmas, but the stupid card reader isn't working now and I can't find the cord that connects the camera directly to the computer. It is SO frustrating. Since I can't do that, I also can't post the furniture online to see if we could sell it to get a little money towards our new furniture set. I understand it's good to get new stuff and it is very nice, but it is rushed and we don't have time to get our carpets cleaned and get everything painted before it come so now that won't get done either. And I just went through all of my summer/winter clothes and changed them out and now I'll have to take it all out again to put in the new furniture. I need to get rid of the old loveseat and the full bedroom set. But I don't know how or where to do it and my husband is not being helpful about it at all. He says he has never sold anything like that before so he doesn't know - well I haven't either so move on and help me figure it out. I want the Christmas stuff out of the house and while we've made progress on this front, we still haven't completed it. It's like we start something but never manage to get it DONE. Our garage is a mess. Our closet is a mess. Our bedroom is a mess (although getting somewhat better). And don't even get me started on our guest room! I hope no one asks unexpectedly to stay the night because they'll be sleeping on the couch. It is ridiculous! I hate living like this.
I haven't showered but I need to but I don't want to shower until I know I'm not going out or doing anything else. But right now the whole world must stand still for 3 hours while we watch the Cowboy game. I hate having a 3 hour stop in the middle of the day. I wish I could get something done other than stare at the TV screen. Maybe I will read - it seems to be a better distraction at least than this.
I want to work out but I can't because I get tired and I get upset and I get lazy. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am starting to lose motivation and all I have left is frustration. It sucks...I will talk to Dr. Fred about it tomorrow I guess because it doesn't feel right and maybe there is something I can do to fix it. I hate this. I want to be happy again. I want to enjoy my life not be pissed about it.
I can't get things done - I wanted to load the pictures from Christmas, but the stupid card reader isn't working now and I can't find the cord that connects the camera directly to the computer. It is SO frustrating. Since I can't do that, I also can't post the furniture online to see if we could sell it to get a little money towards our new furniture set. I understand it's good to get new stuff and it is very nice, but it is rushed and we don't have time to get our carpets cleaned and get everything painted before it come so now that won't get done either. And I just went through all of my summer/winter clothes and changed them out and now I'll have to take it all out again to put in the new furniture. I need to get rid of the old loveseat and the full bedroom set. But I don't know how or where to do it and my husband is not being helpful about it at all. He says he has never sold anything like that before so he doesn't know - well I haven't either so move on and help me figure it out. I want the Christmas stuff out of the house and while we've made progress on this front, we still haven't completed it. It's like we start something but never manage to get it DONE. Our garage is a mess. Our closet is a mess. Our bedroom is a mess (although getting somewhat better). And don't even get me started on our guest room! I hope no one asks unexpectedly to stay the night because they'll be sleeping on the couch. It is ridiculous! I hate living like this.
I haven't showered but I need to but I don't want to shower until I know I'm not going out or doing anything else. But right now the whole world must stand still for 3 hours while we watch the Cowboy game. I hate having a 3 hour stop in the middle of the day. I wish I could get something done other than stare at the TV screen. Maybe I will read - it seems to be a better distraction at least than this.
I want to work out but I can't because I get tired and I get upset and I get lazy. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am starting to lose motivation and all I have left is frustration. It sucks...I will talk to Dr. Fred about it tomorrow I guess because it doesn't feel right and maybe there is something I can do to fix it. I hate this. I want to be happy again. I want to enjoy my life not be pissed about it.
5.14.2009
Hurt
I try not to let myself get hurt by things people say. But I am a Cancer and I'm sensitive to others at times. I try to have a tough shell and try to be tough, but on the inside, there are things that really hurt me. Right now, I have several things that are hurting my heart. The good thing is that I'm able to deal with them and write about them and go through the emotions (my drive home in traffic seems to be a great place for me to release my emotions!) so I can get home and be loving and happy with my son and husband.
The first thing that is hurting me now is the situation with my parents. Even though it is by my choice that I am not speaking to them right now, it still really hurts that it has come to this. I don't understand why I am the one that has to have parents that treat me the way they do - why can't I have a normal relationship with my parents so that I can look forward to spending time with them occasionally? Why is it so difficult always with them and why does it never change no matter how hard I try?
Secondly, I am hurt because I want more out of my career and want to give more money to my family so we don't have to stress about money or daycare or going on a trip or anything else. I think the biggest frustration with this is that I don't know where to go from here and hope that someone will help me figure that process out.
I am hurt by my husband's family and this whole situation with the cruise. How do they think it's okay to send us pictures and call and tell us how much fun they are having when we weren't invited to go and are having to go without sleep and working all hours and sitting in crazy traffic and everything else trying to make this week work? It's like they just aren't thinking because I would hope they aren't trying to hurt us. But it does still hurt and it hurts more how it affects my husband and he therefore is grumpy with me and our son.
Lastly, there was a very specific incident yesterday that hurt me. I'm trying to get over it, but I hate that it makes me question myself and qualities that I think are good qualities of myself. My boss is great for the most part and I really like her as a person. But she has a tendency to say some odd things sometimes and they are hurtful. I don't know if it is because she is kind of conservative and old-school in her thinking about things or what the issue is. But it sucks because those types of things don't help boost my morale towards my job in a time where I'm struggling, feeling like the glass ceiling is pushing me down further and further.
Anyways, I was in a team meeting with her, my coworker, and myself yesterday and we were talking about an aspect of our job for the fall. I was giving an update on the status of the fall events and simply asked if when everything was set, she and I could sit down and try to figure who would be going to which events. I only ask this because 1) I like to plan ahead and two months in advance for travel isn't that far ahead, 2) I like to book ahead to get the flight times/hotels that I want for a good price, 3) I have a family and it is necessary for them to know when I'm going to be around or not for transportation to/from school and our own family plans, and 4) I like to take a dance class at a local community college and want to know if I will even be around much for it in the fall or if I should save my money and just wait until the spring again. Her response to my simple question (I promise I said it totally innocently) was "I'm not a planner LIKE YOU, and you aren't going to make me LIKE YOU, and that's probably a GOOD THING." I think she realized what she said was harsh because she added a few seconds later "so we can have balance" but it was too late at that point. She had already made me feel like a bad person for wanting to plan ahead.
I'm sorry but that is part of my job and there is nothing wrong with planning ahead and being organized. I'm not forcing her to be like me in the slightest, but I don't think it's too much to ask to find out in advance when I'm going to be traveling several days a week for nearly every week for the months of September and October. I like to have a life OUTSIDE of work too and like to plan those things in advance too based on when I'm going to be where. Additionally, I have friends near some of the cities we go to and would like to leverage my work visits when I can to have friend visits as well. If she has a problem with it (she never has in the past), then she shouldn't be doing our job because it is all about PLANNING. It makes me sad and mad all at the same time. I'm not a bad person and I don't like feeling like I am for no reason whatsoever. Even my coworker said something to me afterwards about how she was shocked that our boss had said that. It was hurtful and I'm not quite over it. I had one crying car ride home yesterday, hopefully today I can avoid that, and save my tears for sappy TV like Grey's Anatomy or something - ha!
Thanks for listening to my rent about how hurt I am. I know I shouldn't complain because my life could be so much worse in so many ways, but I'm just struggling right now to make sense of everything going on and trying to keep my head up when I really don't feel like it. I hope to be more positive again soon, and hope to develop tougher skin than what I've already had to develop from years of torture from my parents. I'll get there one day and look back at all of this and laugh!
The first thing that is hurting me now is the situation with my parents. Even though it is by my choice that I am not speaking to them right now, it still really hurts that it has come to this. I don't understand why I am the one that has to have parents that treat me the way they do - why can't I have a normal relationship with my parents so that I can look forward to spending time with them occasionally? Why is it so difficult always with them and why does it never change no matter how hard I try?
Secondly, I am hurt because I want more out of my career and want to give more money to my family so we don't have to stress about money or daycare or going on a trip or anything else. I think the biggest frustration with this is that I don't know where to go from here and hope that someone will help me figure that process out.
I am hurt by my husband's family and this whole situation with the cruise. How do they think it's okay to send us pictures and call and tell us how much fun they are having when we weren't invited to go and are having to go without sleep and working all hours and sitting in crazy traffic and everything else trying to make this week work? It's like they just aren't thinking because I would hope they aren't trying to hurt us. But it does still hurt and it hurts more how it affects my husband and he therefore is grumpy with me and our son.
Lastly, there was a very specific incident yesterday that hurt me. I'm trying to get over it, but I hate that it makes me question myself and qualities that I think are good qualities of myself. My boss is great for the most part and I really like her as a person. But she has a tendency to say some odd things sometimes and they are hurtful. I don't know if it is because she is kind of conservative and old-school in her thinking about things or what the issue is. But it sucks because those types of things don't help boost my morale towards my job in a time where I'm struggling, feeling like the glass ceiling is pushing me down further and further.
Anyways, I was in a team meeting with her, my coworker, and myself yesterday and we were talking about an aspect of our job for the fall. I was giving an update on the status of the fall events and simply asked if when everything was set, she and I could sit down and try to figure who would be going to which events. I only ask this because 1) I like to plan ahead and two months in advance for travel isn't that far ahead, 2) I like to book ahead to get the flight times/hotels that I want for a good price, 3) I have a family and it is necessary for them to know when I'm going to be around or not for transportation to/from school and our own family plans, and 4) I like to take a dance class at a local community college and want to know if I will even be around much for it in the fall or if I should save my money and just wait until the spring again. Her response to my simple question (I promise I said it totally innocently) was "I'm not a planner LIKE YOU, and you aren't going to make me LIKE YOU, and that's probably a GOOD THING." I think she realized what she said was harsh because she added a few seconds later "so we can have balance" but it was too late at that point. She had already made me feel like a bad person for wanting to plan ahead.
I'm sorry but that is part of my job and there is nothing wrong with planning ahead and being organized. I'm not forcing her to be like me in the slightest, but I don't think it's too much to ask to find out in advance when I'm going to be traveling several days a week for nearly every week for the months of September and October. I like to have a life OUTSIDE of work too and like to plan those things in advance too based on when I'm going to be where. Additionally, I have friends near some of the cities we go to and would like to leverage my work visits when I can to have friend visits as well. If she has a problem with it (she never has in the past), then she shouldn't be doing our job because it is all about PLANNING. It makes me sad and mad all at the same time. I'm not a bad person and I don't like feeling like I am for no reason whatsoever. Even my coworker said something to me afterwards about how she was shocked that our boss had said that. It was hurtful and I'm not quite over it. I had one crying car ride home yesterday, hopefully today I can avoid that, and save my tears for sappy TV like Grey's Anatomy or something - ha!
Thanks for listening to my rent about how hurt I am. I know I shouldn't complain because my life could be so much worse in so many ways, but I'm just struggling right now to make sense of everything going on and trying to keep my head up when I really don't feel like it. I hope to be more positive again soon, and hope to develop tougher skin than what I've already had to develop from years of torture from my parents. I'll get there one day and look back at all of this and laugh!
5.11.2009
Feeling Left Out
My weekend was pretty good although incredibly short. We spent most of Saturday traveling and being in podunk-town for my brother-in-law's college graduation. There is no way I could have spent 5 years in that town (yes, he took a victory lap) for college - let alone grow up there. And now he's trying to convince his parents to take two-three more years there to pursue a master's degree. Yikes! At least the food was good and I found some yummy sweet tea in the convenience store there for the ride home. ;)
Yesterday was Mother's Day and I was thankful to have some time to relax and spend it with my two favorite boys. My husband and son got an appointment for my hubby and I to go get a couples massage next Sunday afternoon (yippee!) and they took me out to one of my favorite restaurants for dinner last night. My in-laws gave me a gift certificate for a facial too so I have that to look forward to whenever I have a chance to book it one of these days. However, my in-laws did something to us yesterday that made me really upset. It made me upset for myself because it was Mother's Day and it clouded my day a little bit, but it made me really upset for my husband and son since it hurts them the most.
My in-laws have always and will always baby my brother-in-law to the point of ridiculousness. He gets whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and no matter what he does wrong or how goofy he acts, they support him 100% and continue to give him everything he wants and more. So his stupid "girlfriend" (they aren't even officially "dating" - don't get me started on that topic) and her family were going to go on a cruise to the Bahamas and the Keys this week and invited my brother-in-law to go along. The next thing we know, my father-in-law and mother-in-law were going as well, but they told us it was only because it was a "free trip" so why not? I agree if someone is going to pay for a nice trip like that for you, you might as well go even though it is kind of an awkward situation because they aren't even really dating and they have only met the other parents one time before at dinner.
Anyways, we were a little hurt that we weren't invited since the rest of the family was going, but we were over it. Until yesterday morning when we had to go over to the in-laws house and watch as the in-laws (father, mother, brother) and the "girlfriend" packed up their stuff for a week of vacation while we had to think about going to work and balancing our work schedules this week to drop off/pick up Cooper from school (my mother-in-law usually does this). It was a bit of a slap in the face as we didn't understand why we had to be sitting there while they were trying to figure out what cameras to take and how to pack their luggage and all of this. We are used to being left out because they do that often, and we thought that it was the "girlfriend's" family's trip so that might be why we weren't even asked to go. As much as we would like to, right now we just can't afford to take another trip like that unless someone offered to pay for it so we understood. Until watching it all happen before our eyes and then finding out that they had misrepresented the situation and that my in-laws were in fact paying for themselves to go.
We are all scheduled to go on a family trip to a local beach area that we go to every year during the first week of August, but were told that this year we would have to cook in a lot and everything to save money. Which we were understanding of...until we realized that they are going off and dropping money on this luxurious vacation that we weren't even invited to but then we are the ones that don't get that treatment even once this year. I shouldn't complain because I know there are a million people who can't take a vacation at all and I'm grateful that we will be able to do what we can. But still....it's kind of mind-blowing to think of the unfair treatment we are all receiving compared to my brother-in-law who can barely keep his head out of his a$s long enough to attend graduation! And my poor son spent most of yesterday and even this morning asking when we could go to the beach since his stupid uncle decided to talk about going to the beach right in front of him yesterday. So annoying!
Yesterday was Mother's Day and I was thankful to have some time to relax and spend it with my two favorite boys. My husband and son got an appointment for my hubby and I to go get a couples massage next Sunday afternoon (yippee!) and they took me out to one of my favorite restaurants for dinner last night. My in-laws gave me a gift certificate for a facial too so I have that to look forward to whenever I have a chance to book it one of these days. However, my in-laws did something to us yesterday that made me really upset. It made me upset for myself because it was Mother's Day and it clouded my day a little bit, but it made me really upset for my husband and son since it hurts them the most.
My in-laws have always and will always baby my brother-in-law to the point of ridiculousness. He gets whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and no matter what he does wrong or how goofy he acts, they support him 100% and continue to give him everything he wants and more. So his stupid "girlfriend" (they aren't even officially "dating" - don't get me started on that topic) and her family were going to go on a cruise to the Bahamas and the Keys this week and invited my brother-in-law to go along. The next thing we know, my father-in-law and mother-in-law were going as well, but they told us it was only because it was a "free trip" so why not? I agree if someone is going to pay for a nice trip like that for you, you might as well go even though it is kind of an awkward situation because they aren't even really dating and they have only met the other parents one time before at dinner.
Anyways, we were a little hurt that we weren't invited since the rest of the family was going, but we were over it. Until yesterday morning when we had to go over to the in-laws house and watch as the in-laws (father, mother, brother) and the "girlfriend" packed up their stuff for a week of vacation while we had to think about going to work and balancing our work schedules this week to drop off/pick up Cooper from school (my mother-in-law usually does this). It was a bit of a slap in the face as we didn't understand why we had to be sitting there while they were trying to figure out what cameras to take and how to pack their luggage and all of this. We are used to being left out because they do that often, and we thought that it was the "girlfriend's" family's trip so that might be why we weren't even asked to go. As much as we would like to, right now we just can't afford to take another trip like that unless someone offered to pay for it so we understood. Until watching it all happen before our eyes and then finding out that they had misrepresented the situation and that my in-laws were in fact paying for themselves to go.
We are all scheduled to go on a family trip to a local beach area that we go to every year during the first week of August, but were told that this year we would have to cook in a lot and everything to save money. Which we were understanding of...until we realized that they are going off and dropping money on this luxurious vacation that we weren't even invited to but then we are the ones that don't get that treatment even once this year. I shouldn't complain because I know there are a million people who can't take a vacation at all and I'm grateful that we will be able to do what we can. But still....it's kind of mind-blowing to think of the unfair treatment we are all receiving compared to my brother-in-law who can barely keep his head out of his a$s long enough to attend graduation! And my poor son spent most of yesterday and even this morning asking when we could go to the beach since his stupid uncle decided to talk about going to the beach right in front of him yesterday. So annoying!
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