"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." ~Mark Twain
This is my new favorite quote, probably because it describes exactly how I feel right now. I decided to take the offer with the new company and I'm really excited. Part of me is sad to leave the people at this company behind and I know that I am good at this job, but I'll be doing something similar but with greater opportunities and more senior respect and responsibilities which will be awesome! So I'm sailing away from safe harbor to see where the wind shall take me! :) I have a few more weeks at this job and then off to explore the new company and situation.
I'm so excited about this opportunity and the flexibility and all of the good things that will come with it. I had a really rough day at work on Friday due to lack of help and support in the office and just a million things resting on my shoulders. But luckily having given my notice, I know that this is all going to be gone/different soon enough. I just need to get through the next few weeks and then see what is out there waiting for me! Hope you all are doing well and can't wait to update you soon on my new adventures!
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
10.24.2011
10.04.2011
Today
Today I found myself crying (not sobbing at least, just tears coming out occasionally) on an airplane. Yet another week of travel for me. Left this afternoon and then out of town in 2 different cities for work before coming home late Thursday evening. My parents are flying through home on Thursday afternoon to pick up my son and take him to another city south of where we live for a long weekend so I won't even get to see him until my husband and I arrive there on Friday evening after driving after work. I will be home for a few hours to shower, unpack and repack, and then take the dog to the pet hotel first thing Friday morning before a day in the office and then hopefully hit the road by 4 pm for a long weekend with my family until Tuesday. I really need the break. I am going to have to work some but hopefully not too much.
And then I'm supposed to get on another plane next Tuesday to fly to a city on the East Coast for interviews. But I haven't gotten any details yet still and it's less than a week away...and I'm starting to wonder if it's worth another night away from my family but then I remember that it is worth it if it's better than the situation I'm in now and hence the tears on the airplane today.
I don't know if I was naive or sheltered by my parents or if times are just tougher these days than they normally are, but I guess I never realized how difficult it would be trying to be a working mom in my early 30s and trying to balance wanting a career with wanting time to my family and time for me. The me time is out the window almost entirely (with the exception of a Zumba class I went to with a friend last weekend that benefitted breast cancer awareness and rocked!). And therefore without any time for me, I am not thrilled with how I look either - clothes don't fit as well as I'd like them too, I think I always look tired, my face is always breaking out from stress, and don't even get me started on my endometriosis issues and what happens with that when I'm under stress!
The family time is pretty limited. I work most evenings until at least 6 and by the time I drive home in traffic, I'm lucky to be home between 6:45 and 7. Lately, I've been working until 7 and getting home around 7:30. That's the days when I'm in town and then I have spent many weeks traveling 2-3 nights during the week which is really hard for all of us too. Oh and then the work I usually have to do on the weekends as well.
This morning my son was all grumpy and not wanting to get ready and just not acting himself. And I knew it was because he knew I was leaving and was upset. And that kills me (another reason for the tears on the plane today!). We have been trying to live each moment to the fullest when we are together which has been great - got to celebrate our 7 year wedding anniversary this weekend and have been trying to do fun things with our son (pumpkin patch!, mini-golf, bowling) each weekend to spend some quality time together.
However, I still feel very stuck. I sort of feel like I'm inside this box and I'm not really sure how to get out. I can't take another position because they don't have as good of benefits or the commute is even farther than the one I have now or it doesn't pay quite as much or some other host of things. I can't stay in the one I'm in now because my boss drives me crazy, they hired the most idiotic person I've ever met to work with our team (not much help at all and a lot more work to "train" her), there is no career path, there is no real chance for raise, I'm traveling like crazy, they put undue stress on me 24-7, etc. I can't adapt to a different field quite yet because I would probably need to get a masters to do that, but I don't have TIME for a masters degree when I am getting killed at work with travel and hours. So every direction I look, the sides of the box are there and it's hard to figure out where to go next.
There is a light at the top of the box still and I focus on that. I know that one day I will figure out a way out and it will be awesome. I have a very tiny glimmer of hope tonight from a phone call I had with a coworker about a possible opportunity within my current company. I don't have a lot of faith that it will work out because they can be so difficult sometimes PLUS I'm sure my boss will try to put the kibosh on it. But I'm going to hold on to that glimmer of hope until it's put out and then I will find the next one.
I just need to shed a few tears and to vent on here to make myself feel a little better and I will continue to keep the hope alive! :) Thanks for listening and hope to hear from you all soon! :) I miss my few commenters!
And then I'm supposed to get on another plane next Tuesday to fly to a city on the East Coast for interviews. But I haven't gotten any details yet still and it's less than a week away...and I'm starting to wonder if it's worth another night away from my family but then I remember that it is worth it if it's better than the situation I'm in now and hence the tears on the airplane today.
I don't know if I was naive or sheltered by my parents or if times are just tougher these days than they normally are, but I guess I never realized how difficult it would be trying to be a working mom in my early 30s and trying to balance wanting a career with wanting time to my family and time for me. The me time is out the window almost entirely (with the exception of a Zumba class I went to with a friend last weekend that benefitted breast cancer awareness and rocked!). And therefore without any time for me, I am not thrilled with how I look either - clothes don't fit as well as I'd like them too, I think I always look tired, my face is always breaking out from stress, and don't even get me started on my endometriosis issues and what happens with that when I'm under stress!
The family time is pretty limited. I work most evenings until at least 6 and by the time I drive home in traffic, I'm lucky to be home between 6:45 and 7. Lately, I've been working until 7 and getting home around 7:30. That's the days when I'm in town and then I have spent many weeks traveling 2-3 nights during the week which is really hard for all of us too. Oh and then the work I usually have to do on the weekends as well.
This morning my son was all grumpy and not wanting to get ready and just not acting himself. And I knew it was because he knew I was leaving and was upset. And that kills me (another reason for the tears on the plane today!). We have been trying to live each moment to the fullest when we are together which has been great - got to celebrate our 7 year wedding anniversary this weekend and have been trying to do fun things with our son (pumpkin patch!, mini-golf, bowling) each weekend to spend some quality time together.
However, I still feel very stuck. I sort of feel like I'm inside this box and I'm not really sure how to get out. I can't take another position because they don't have as good of benefits or the commute is even farther than the one I have now or it doesn't pay quite as much or some other host of things. I can't stay in the one I'm in now because my boss drives me crazy, they hired the most idiotic person I've ever met to work with our team (not much help at all and a lot more work to "train" her), there is no career path, there is no real chance for raise, I'm traveling like crazy, they put undue stress on me 24-7, etc. I can't adapt to a different field quite yet because I would probably need to get a masters to do that, but I don't have TIME for a masters degree when I am getting killed at work with travel and hours. So every direction I look, the sides of the box are there and it's hard to figure out where to go next.
There is a light at the top of the box still and I focus on that. I know that one day I will figure out a way out and it will be awesome. I have a very tiny glimmer of hope tonight from a phone call I had with a coworker about a possible opportunity within my current company. I don't have a lot of faith that it will work out because they can be so difficult sometimes PLUS I'm sure my boss will try to put the kibosh on it. But I'm going to hold on to that glimmer of hope until it's put out and then I will find the next one.
I just need to shed a few tears and to vent on here to make myself feel a little better and I will continue to keep the hope alive! :) Thanks for listening and hope to hear from you all soon! :) I miss my few commenters!
8.25.2011
Nervous
I'm about to leave for my interview. I took the day off to relax and get stuff done around the house. But it's now almost time to head downtown and check things out. I haven't been on a real live interview in over 6 years! I've done several phone interviews - some good, some bad I guess, but this will be the first time I will be face to face interviewing with a company. It's exciting but scary at the same time. I'm trying to just go in with an open mind. My goal is to get the offer because I can always say no. But even just receiving another opportunity (even if I can't take it) will boost my mood/confidence to keep on trying. So wish me luck and at least let me do well and then I can figure it out from there! Everything happens for a reason! :)
8.23.2011
Little Man
Yesterday my baby boy started kindergarten. I really can't believe that he is already big enough to be starting real school. It seems like only yesterday I was cuddling him in my arms as a sweet newborn. The time really does fly by! It makes me question a little bit what I'm doing with my life and if time goes by so quickly, am I happy with how I'm living it?
I am so very very proud of him. He has grown into such a fun, sweet, and loving boy (with the occasional temper too!). He has his own little personality and loves to carry on a conversation these days. Last night, he was telling me about how he got "green" (meaning he listened well) yesterday, and I asked him how he did that and he said "because I nailed it" in all seriousness. It was the cutest thing ever! I am so thankful for him in my life because without him and my hubby, I just really don't know what I would do. He especially brings me so much joy and I wish I could spend even more time learning from him to take life more simply and enjoy it.
Instead, I often just feel like crying. I just don't know what I'm doing with this job situation any more. I haven't heard back from the first "dream job" at all which I think is really strange and annoying. I'm okay with rejection, but just ignoring me completely is just plain rude. I have this other interview on Thursday, but I'm not all that enthusiastic about it because they sent me the benefits package with the e-mail confirmation for my interviews, and it is significantly more expensive (try double) what we are paying now and for much less coverage. So to make up in that difference alone would probably be $5k+. So I'm really bummed and feeling even more stuck than ever. I can't continue doing what I'm doing now and be happy and yet I can't really leave either. It's a terrible predicament.
I often wish I had been braver about figuring out what I wanted to do when I was younger. So maybe I could have gotten a masters degree in psychology and done counseling or maybe I could have gotten a masters degree in speech therapy or something like that. At least then I would have a career and a bit of a path of what I wanted to do and be and I could just switch jobs when I wanted to get a raise or better benefits or be closer to home. But now I am where I am and while I like what I do, it also takes me away from my family a lot (a lot more than what is made up for by the $$ or benefits), and it causes me a lot of stress (which is now showing through physically), and it causes me to miss out on things like working out or taking dance class or spending time with my family and friends. It also causes me to commute daily (and the commute is about to get longer if I switch to some jobs and/or when our office moves next year) and that's more time away from me, my family and friends. Ugh! I just feel really lost and frustrated right now...hope to feel better about this all soon!
I'm still going to go on Thursday for experience if nothing else, and I'm going this afternoon to the doctor to talk about some pains I've been experiencing lately in my arms as well as my anxiety. I know this will all get better soon and there are lots of other people out there dealing with way worse. But for me, it just feels like a very tough year and I'm ready for change to come to better it for all of us. I am trying to be patient. I really am!
For now, I will focus on the good in my life - like my son and his awesome love for school and excitement about life. I wish I could bottle it up and drink it in. :)
I am so very very proud of him. He has grown into such a fun, sweet, and loving boy (with the occasional temper too!). He has his own little personality and loves to carry on a conversation these days. Last night, he was telling me about how he got "green" (meaning he listened well) yesterday, and I asked him how he did that and he said "because I nailed it" in all seriousness. It was the cutest thing ever! I am so thankful for him in my life because without him and my hubby, I just really don't know what I would do. He especially brings me so much joy and I wish I could spend even more time learning from him to take life more simply and enjoy it.
Instead, I often just feel like crying. I just don't know what I'm doing with this job situation any more. I haven't heard back from the first "dream job" at all which I think is really strange and annoying. I'm okay with rejection, but just ignoring me completely is just plain rude. I have this other interview on Thursday, but I'm not all that enthusiastic about it because they sent me the benefits package with the e-mail confirmation for my interviews, and it is significantly more expensive (try double) what we are paying now and for much less coverage. So to make up in that difference alone would probably be $5k+. So I'm really bummed and feeling even more stuck than ever. I can't continue doing what I'm doing now and be happy and yet I can't really leave either. It's a terrible predicament.
I often wish I had been braver about figuring out what I wanted to do when I was younger. So maybe I could have gotten a masters degree in psychology and done counseling or maybe I could have gotten a masters degree in speech therapy or something like that. At least then I would have a career and a bit of a path of what I wanted to do and be and I could just switch jobs when I wanted to get a raise or better benefits or be closer to home. But now I am where I am and while I like what I do, it also takes me away from my family a lot (a lot more than what is made up for by the $$ or benefits), and it causes me a lot of stress (which is now showing through physically), and it causes me to miss out on things like working out or taking dance class or spending time with my family and friends. It also causes me to commute daily (and the commute is about to get longer if I switch to some jobs and/or when our office moves next year) and that's more time away from me, my family and friends. Ugh! I just feel really lost and frustrated right now...hope to feel better about this all soon!
I'm still going to go on Thursday for experience if nothing else, and I'm going this afternoon to the doctor to talk about some pains I've been experiencing lately in my arms as well as my anxiety. I know this will all get better soon and there are lots of other people out there dealing with way worse. But for me, it just feels like a very tough year and I'm ready for change to come to better it for all of us. I am trying to be patient. I really am!
For now, I will focus on the good in my life - like my son and his awesome love for school and excitement about life. I wish I could bottle it up and drink it in. :)
8.16.2011
Heartbroken
Right now, I'm feeling heartbroken. I don't have a concrete reason yet because I haven't been told no yet, but I just have this feeling because I haven't heard anything at all that it's a no....
What I'm talking about is this set of interviews I had last week for a job that I would love to have. It would allow me to work from home up to 3 days a week, would like reduce my travel, and would finally give me the leadership and step-up opportunities I have so been craving. I've had 3 interviews now with 3 different people, the last two were last Thursday. And I really did think they went fabulously but maybe I always just think that and they are secretly hoping the call will end quickly!
I'm just confused because both of the Thursday interviews ended with how they thought we had such a great conversation and they seemed to be overly positive (which people wouldn't be too positive if that wasn't really the case). And although they haven't called or written to say no, they haven't called or written to say yes to meet with the last person, the boss of the position and the head honcho for the US. She is the one that had initially called me last Tuesday to ask if I wanted to set up the two additional interviews but I had only gotten a voicemail and never talked to her in person.
I sent an e-mail this morning to one of the ones I met with by phone last week and haven't received a response. I guess I should be happy with that since no response is better than we have decided to go a different direction. But for now, I am having a bad day/week/month and am deciding to be heartbroken instead. And write about it because it makes me feel better. If I could just forget about it for a little bit and see what happens, I would feel better. But that's really hard when misery is overwhelming me at work on a daily basis and I'm kind of at the edge of the brink here.
It will get better. I will stay positive. And even if this doesn't work out, it's because it's not meant to be and I will find something even better soon. Now if only I could convince my brain/heart of that as well! ;)
What I'm talking about is this set of interviews I had last week for a job that I would love to have. It would allow me to work from home up to 3 days a week, would like reduce my travel, and would finally give me the leadership and step-up opportunities I have so been craving. I've had 3 interviews now with 3 different people, the last two were last Thursday. And I really did think they went fabulously but maybe I always just think that and they are secretly hoping the call will end quickly!
I'm just confused because both of the Thursday interviews ended with how they thought we had such a great conversation and they seemed to be overly positive (which people wouldn't be too positive if that wasn't really the case). And although they haven't called or written to say no, they haven't called or written to say yes to meet with the last person, the boss of the position and the head honcho for the US. She is the one that had initially called me last Tuesday to ask if I wanted to set up the two additional interviews but I had only gotten a voicemail and never talked to her in person.
I sent an e-mail this morning to one of the ones I met with by phone last week and haven't received a response. I guess I should be happy with that since no response is better than we have decided to go a different direction. But for now, I am having a bad day/week/month and am deciding to be heartbroken instead. And write about it because it makes me feel better. If I could just forget about it for a little bit and see what happens, I would feel better. But that's really hard when misery is overwhelming me at work on a daily basis and I'm kind of at the edge of the brink here.
It will get better. I will stay positive. And even if this doesn't work out, it's because it's not meant to be and I will find something even better soon. Now if only I could convince my brain/heart of that as well! ;)
8.04.2011
Where Has the Time Gone?
Time flies these days. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a not so good way. I have a lot to write about but most of it is frustration so I've been avoiding writing because I don't want everyone to think of me as a negative person. I swear I'm not! I'm just ready for a change and my patience is wearing very thin with my work situation and yet there isn't much I can do about it. So I'm trying to suck it up and move forward and just hope that a positive change comes very soon!
On the positive side, we are on vacation this week at the beach. It's so relaxing. It's one thing I miss from growing up in Florida - the sound of the ocean and the way it can instaneously relax me. I wish it was closer so that when I'm stressed, I could just listen to the waves and relax. This vacation couldn't have come at a better time and I'm thankful to have the opportunity to do it. I love spending time with my husband and son and not having to think about work too much (still have worked 1.5-2 hours each day but at least it's on my own time!). I love having time to read a good book (reading "One Day" this week and really enjoying it) and "sleeping in" a little bit until 7:30 or 8 and staying up a little later. I love enjoying all of the great seafood down here and get tanned at the beach and fishing and all of the fun things about this place.
I can't believe it but my son starts kindergarten in a few short weeks. I couldn't be prouder of him. He has learned how to swim well this summer and is not afraid any more. He is doing so well with his school stuff and is excited about kindergarten which is great. I am a nerd and always loved school so I'm hoping he will feel the same. I hope he gets a great teacher!!!
My brief comment on work is that things are pretty much the same as before but EVEN WORSE because they have hired a complete idiot to be our employee in the other Texas office. She can't even use a computer properly. It's ridiculous. So instead of getting help, we are having to babysit someone and make things take longer. Good times! To top it off, every few weeks my boss randomly decides to yell at me for no reason whatsoever and I feel like I'm constantly under so much stress yet no additional pay or career path available. It's infuriating!
Before I left for vacation, my stress level had caused my shoulder/arm/back muscles to get so tense that I was having pains in my left arm which was then causing panic attacks because I of course thought I was having a heart attack or something. Luckily, I got a massage here on Monday and she was a lifesaver working it all out. I just hate what this job is doing to my body, but I also don't know when/if I can change it any time soon. I had a phone interview last week, but found out this week that they decided to not move forward with me for interviews. So I either stink at interviewing or they don't believe that I'm capable of as much as I am because the things my current work is doing to hold me back doesn't speak as highly of me as it should. Or maybe a combination of the two. Either way, I need to resign myself to the fact that this is how things are and try to deal with it however I can for now.
We went to a church the weekend before we went out of town but didn't really like it. However, I'm really excited to try out another one not this weekend because we will just be getting home, but the next weekend I'm hoping we can go. I've heard it's great, I've watched a bunch of the sermons online, and I think it might be want we are looking for. Fingers crossed because I feel like I need that in my life right now (and wouldn't mind meeting some good people as many of our friends have been flaky lately!).
Also, if you haven't seen "Horrible Bosses" run to the theater now! I thought it was awesome. Be forewarned that there is a lot of bad language and "dirty" scenes, but it's HILARIOUS if you aren't offended by that type of thing. I think I love it so much because 1) I have a horrible boss myself! and 2) it is funny because it's so true to life on the idiosyncracies of work life.
I think that's all I've got for now - maybe I can keep up with this more by making time to write things out and hopefully that will help with the stress as well! I start traveling the week I get back (overnight trip to our other Texas office), then have one week off, and then start the next week with my heavy fall travel which will last through late October. Ugh! At least we are taking 2 days off in October for a mini-vacation with my parents during our son's fall break. For now, I'm going to enjoy the vacation - talk to you later!
P.S. Note to self - don't watch Shark Week when you're at the beach! My brother-in-law keeps putting it on and it's driving me crazy and making me scared to go into the ocean!
On the positive side, we are on vacation this week at the beach. It's so relaxing. It's one thing I miss from growing up in Florida - the sound of the ocean and the way it can instaneously relax me. I wish it was closer so that when I'm stressed, I could just listen to the waves and relax. This vacation couldn't have come at a better time and I'm thankful to have the opportunity to do it. I love spending time with my husband and son and not having to think about work too much (still have worked 1.5-2 hours each day but at least it's on my own time!). I love having time to read a good book (reading "One Day" this week and really enjoying it) and "sleeping in" a little bit until 7:30 or 8 and staying up a little later. I love enjoying all of the great seafood down here and get tanned at the beach and fishing and all of the fun things about this place.
I can't believe it but my son starts kindergarten in a few short weeks. I couldn't be prouder of him. He has learned how to swim well this summer and is not afraid any more. He is doing so well with his school stuff and is excited about kindergarten which is great. I am a nerd and always loved school so I'm hoping he will feel the same. I hope he gets a great teacher!!!
My brief comment on work is that things are pretty much the same as before but EVEN WORSE because they have hired a complete idiot to be our employee in the other Texas office. She can't even use a computer properly. It's ridiculous. So instead of getting help, we are having to babysit someone and make things take longer. Good times! To top it off, every few weeks my boss randomly decides to yell at me for no reason whatsoever and I feel like I'm constantly under so much stress yet no additional pay or career path available. It's infuriating!
Before I left for vacation, my stress level had caused my shoulder/arm/back muscles to get so tense that I was having pains in my left arm which was then causing panic attacks because I of course thought I was having a heart attack or something. Luckily, I got a massage here on Monday and she was a lifesaver working it all out. I just hate what this job is doing to my body, but I also don't know when/if I can change it any time soon. I had a phone interview last week, but found out this week that they decided to not move forward with me for interviews. So I either stink at interviewing or they don't believe that I'm capable of as much as I am because the things my current work is doing to hold me back doesn't speak as highly of me as it should. Or maybe a combination of the two. Either way, I need to resign myself to the fact that this is how things are and try to deal with it however I can for now.
We went to a church the weekend before we went out of town but didn't really like it. However, I'm really excited to try out another one not this weekend because we will just be getting home, but the next weekend I'm hoping we can go. I've heard it's great, I've watched a bunch of the sermons online, and I think it might be want we are looking for. Fingers crossed because I feel like I need that in my life right now (and wouldn't mind meeting some good people as many of our friends have been flaky lately!).
Also, if you haven't seen "Horrible Bosses" run to the theater now! I thought it was awesome. Be forewarned that there is a lot of bad language and "dirty" scenes, but it's HILARIOUS if you aren't offended by that type of thing. I think I love it so much because 1) I have a horrible boss myself! and 2) it is funny because it's so true to life on the idiosyncracies of work life.
I think that's all I've got for now - maybe I can keep up with this more by making time to write things out and hopefully that will help with the stress as well! I start traveling the week I get back (overnight trip to our other Texas office), then have one week off, and then start the next week with my heavy fall travel which will last through late October. Ugh! At least we are taking 2 days off in October for a mini-vacation with my parents during our son's fall break. For now, I'm going to enjoy the vacation - talk to you later!
P.S. Note to self - don't watch Shark Week when you're at the beach! My brother-in-law keeps putting it on and it's driving me crazy and making me scared to go into the ocean!
3.15.2011
Fear
This morning I took our son to the pediatrician for his 5 year old checkup. He was so excited to go because he knew he wouldn't need any shots and just was ready to be a big boy! Everything was going smoothly until his doctor had him bend over and touch his toes and noticed a slight curve to his back. He asked us to go over to the imaging center and get an xray of his spine just to check and make sure he didn't have scoliosis. Scoliosis? It hit me like a ton of bricks - how could he have scoliosis?
He said it might just be the way his ribs grew to his spine or something and not to worry, but I am a mom and I'm worried. We sat for an hour waiting for the 5 minute xray and it's done now and I'm at work but waiting waiting waiting for the doctor to call this afternoon to tell us the results. Did I mention how much I hate waiting?! They pulled the xray up to show our son and he was so excited to see his bones, and I did notice a slight curve when I looked at it but I don't know what to look for. I called my dad who was a pediatrician for nearly 30 years and he said not to worry and that he would be surprised if he had it so young and even if he did, it was easily treatable at this age. But I'm scared.
We are so excited about his new school and him turning 5 and everything else and now one day later, I am worried about what will happen if he has to have surgery or wear a brace all the time or a number of things. I'm praying and hoping that I am just worried for nothing and it is just something we can watch and that it will correct itself as he grows. But I'm scared. So I'm posting because I don't know what else to do and I don't want to start crying at my desk at work. I know it will be okay. I just need time to pass by more quickly!
In positive news, he is doing great otherwise - hearing and vision were great, he is 4 feet tall already(!), and very healthy. We might take him to do a little speech therapy just to make sure he talks a little slower and more clearly (I think I talk pretty fast too so he probably imitates me!), but that's not a big deal at all and is more a preventative than a necessity. I just hope that this xray business was just for nothing this morning too. Please let us get good news this afternoon!
He said it might just be the way his ribs grew to his spine or something and not to worry, but I am a mom and I'm worried. We sat for an hour waiting for the 5 minute xray and it's done now and I'm at work but waiting waiting waiting for the doctor to call this afternoon to tell us the results. Did I mention how much I hate waiting?! They pulled the xray up to show our son and he was so excited to see his bones, and I did notice a slight curve when I looked at it but I don't know what to look for. I called my dad who was a pediatrician for nearly 30 years and he said not to worry and that he would be surprised if he had it so young and even if he did, it was easily treatable at this age. But I'm scared.
We are so excited about his new school and him turning 5 and everything else and now one day later, I am worried about what will happen if he has to have surgery or wear a brace all the time or a number of things. I'm praying and hoping that I am just worried for nothing and it is just something we can watch and that it will correct itself as he grows. But I'm scared. So I'm posting because I don't know what else to do and I don't want to start crying at my desk at work. I know it will be okay. I just need time to pass by more quickly!
In positive news, he is doing great otherwise - hearing and vision were great, he is 4 feet tall already(!), and very healthy. We might take him to do a little speech therapy just to make sure he talks a little slower and more clearly (I think I talk pretty fast too so he probably imitates me!), but that's not a big deal at all and is more a preventative than a necessity. I just hope that this xray business was just for nothing this morning too. Please let us get good news this afternoon!
3.03.2011
Stuck
After reading GFF's post today, I was so happy for her that she has found her happy place. And then I started about thinking about what would get me to find my happy place. I feel like for the most part I try to be a happy person and appreciate the wonderful blessings we have in our life. But I am often get bogged down in worry and defeat and end up feeling stuck. It's a terrible feeling, one that I want out of my life forever, but that's just not realistic I guess. Just ready for a shift to the more positive!
I've been thinking a lot lately about what to do with my career. And I'm sure the few, if any, readers I have are tired of me talking about work. But it's a place where I spend a TON of my time, and right now it's just not making me happy. Don't get me wrong, there are some definite good things in my job - I enjoy what I actually do for the most part, just hate some of the circumstances that are involved with doing it. However, when I think about what my other options are, I just can't move forward to see any. Right now, I do campus recruiting - I had a few calls randomly this week about agency or high volume type recruiting, but I just really don't see myself being interested in that type of work.
So now the question is: is that my only option if I stay in this field? And if it is and it doesn't appeal to me, then what next? It is so frustrating to be in these shoes. I feel like here I am, almost 10 years after graduating from college (yikes!) and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't remember anyone telling me when I was younger how difficult it would be to manage my career. I guess it would be easier if I knew I was passionate about a certain career - like if I wanted to be a doctor or lawyer or teacher. But I guess I still don't really know what I want to do or be. All I know is I can't imagine my life in this same spot for another 5 years, which is where I feel I will be stuck if I stay. I wish there was a test you could take and it would help guide you. I just have many interests and every time I think I find a path, there is a roadblock. I just hope I can get unstuck soon....
I've been thinking a lot lately about what to do with my career. And I'm sure the few, if any, readers I have are tired of me talking about work. But it's a place where I spend a TON of my time, and right now it's just not making me happy. Don't get me wrong, there are some definite good things in my job - I enjoy what I actually do for the most part, just hate some of the circumstances that are involved with doing it. However, when I think about what my other options are, I just can't move forward to see any. Right now, I do campus recruiting - I had a few calls randomly this week about agency or high volume type recruiting, but I just really don't see myself being interested in that type of work.
So now the question is: is that my only option if I stay in this field? And if it is and it doesn't appeal to me, then what next? It is so frustrating to be in these shoes. I feel like here I am, almost 10 years after graduating from college (yikes!) and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't remember anyone telling me when I was younger how difficult it would be to manage my career. I guess it would be easier if I knew I was passionate about a certain career - like if I wanted to be a doctor or lawyer or teacher. But I guess I still don't really know what I want to do or be. All I know is I can't imagine my life in this same spot for another 5 years, which is where I feel I will be stuck if I stay. I wish there was a test you could take and it would help guide you. I just have many interests and every time I think I find a path, there is a roadblock. I just hope I can get unstuck soon....
3.01.2011
I really need to get better about this blogging thing!
So I completed disappeared for about two months, but now I am back again and will try to blog more often. I didn't get an iPhone yet (being kind of bratty about it because I heard the iPhone5 was coming out in June/July and I figured if I have waited this long, I can probably wait a few more months!), so still won't have tons of pictures but hopefully I can get better about plugging in the camera more often and posting.
Updates:
1) My surgery went well. It was way more painful than I remembered my c-section being (probably because this time they had to move things around in there and scrape things all up), but I survived and now almost 8 weeks afterwards, I'm starting to feel back to normal other than the flabbiness around the scar which I started working on yesterday with my workout routine.
2) January & February were pretty hellatious months for me for a number of reasons. Mostly having to do with work but some other factors as well - Austin's aunt passed away from cancer in January which was sad, work was utterly crazy including the time I was SUPPOSED to be on medical leave so I never really felt like I got a break, and the weather here in early February made things even more complicated because despite school and work being closed, I had a TON to get done so didn't get to enjoy it much.
3) I am SO thankful for the warmer, sunnier weather. I have realized that the weather really does affect my mood at times and the combination of the freezing cold and all that was going on with my recovery and work and everything else just made me slightly out of it. I'm glad to be feeling more normal again! :)
The biggest thing that you can probably see throughout this post is that work is driving me nuts in all ways. Not only did I have to work for half of my "medical leave" which really sucked, but I had to work like crazy helping out the other half of my team with their stuff and no one ever wants to help me. I wouldn't mind but I was busy too and things just got crazy with having to plan things for two different cities/offices and people cancelling at the last minute and everything. It's all over now and things should be slower for the next few months at least, but it was really just a very trying time.
Additionally, this time of year is our review time, so that always makes things feel worse around here. It seems like every year we hope that something will finally change and be better and yet it doesn't. I feel very, very stuck in many ways because we have such good benefits here and those are very important to my family due to my hubby's type 1 diabetes and my endometriosis and our son. Plus I make decent money so everyone just thinks I should stay here. Which would be great and all if I could actually be recognized for all of the work I do and if I was actually making the kind of money that would justify me traveling as much as I do, spending as much time on my vacations/sick days/etc. on work as I do, and generally working my tail off. But I'm DEFINITELY NOT and the money that they shorted me last year when they switched me from non-exempt to exempt is still probably not going to be made up this year according to a few people who are "in the know." I makes me furious that my "raise" this year will still not even put me at the amount I made in 2008 & 2009 and that last year in 2010 when I was supposedly promoted as well, I made several thousand dollars LESS than those previous years. How is that a promotion?!
Additionally, there is nothing else for me here. There is no career path, no opportunities for advancement, nothing more than continued hard work for middle pay. And I think I'm better than that. But the question is where would I go? How would I find another place with just as good of benefits and more money and opportunity? I'm sure they exist but where and how do you know? I had no idea when I started here 5.5 years ago that I would reach my peak in salary 3 years after I came and then go downhill from there...this is just now how I envisioned my work life to be when I was younger and I just don't know what to do from here.
Okay, guess I have rambled enough for now...just need to try to let some of this go. But I will try to write more frequently now that things have slowed down a bit for work. I'm looking forward to taking vacation in a few weeks - we are going to Hilton Head with my family for a week and I am hoping for nice weather so we can walk on the beach and just relax. Now I just need to fnid a good book! :)
Updates:
1) My surgery went well. It was way more painful than I remembered my c-section being (probably because this time they had to move things around in there and scrape things all up), but I survived and now almost 8 weeks afterwards, I'm starting to feel back to normal other than the flabbiness around the scar which I started working on yesterday with my workout routine.
2) January & February were pretty hellatious months for me for a number of reasons. Mostly having to do with work but some other factors as well - Austin's aunt passed away from cancer in January which was sad, work was utterly crazy including the time I was SUPPOSED to be on medical leave so I never really felt like I got a break, and the weather here in early February made things even more complicated because despite school and work being closed, I had a TON to get done so didn't get to enjoy it much.
3) I am SO thankful for the warmer, sunnier weather. I have realized that the weather really does affect my mood at times and the combination of the freezing cold and all that was going on with my recovery and work and everything else just made me slightly out of it. I'm glad to be feeling more normal again! :)
The biggest thing that you can probably see throughout this post is that work is driving me nuts in all ways. Not only did I have to work for half of my "medical leave" which really sucked, but I had to work like crazy helping out the other half of my team with their stuff and no one ever wants to help me. I wouldn't mind but I was busy too and things just got crazy with having to plan things for two different cities/offices and people cancelling at the last minute and everything. It's all over now and things should be slower for the next few months at least, but it was really just a very trying time.
Additionally, this time of year is our review time, so that always makes things feel worse around here. It seems like every year we hope that something will finally change and be better and yet it doesn't. I feel very, very stuck in many ways because we have such good benefits here and those are very important to my family due to my hubby's type 1 diabetes and my endometriosis and our son. Plus I make decent money so everyone just thinks I should stay here. Which would be great and all if I could actually be recognized for all of the work I do and if I was actually making the kind of money that would justify me traveling as much as I do, spending as much time on my vacations/sick days/etc. on work as I do, and generally working my tail off. But I'm DEFINITELY NOT and the money that they shorted me last year when they switched me from non-exempt to exempt is still probably not going to be made up this year according to a few people who are "in the know." I makes me furious that my "raise" this year will still not even put me at the amount I made in 2008 & 2009 and that last year in 2010 when I was supposedly promoted as well, I made several thousand dollars LESS than those previous years. How is that a promotion?!
Additionally, there is nothing else for me here. There is no career path, no opportunities for advancement, nothing more than continued hard work for middle pay. And I think I'm better than that. But the question is where would I go? How would I find another place with just as good of benefits and more money and opportunity? I'm sure they exist but where and how do you know? I had no idea when I started here 5.5 years ago that I would reach my peak in salary 3 years after I came and then go downhill from there...this is just now how I envisioned my work life to be when I was younger and I just don't know what to do from here.
Okay, guess I have rambled enough for now...just need to try to let some of this go. But I will try to write more frequently now that things have slowed down a bit for work. I'm looking forward to taking vacation in a few weeks - we are going to Hilton Head with my family for a week and I am hoping for nice weather so we can walk on the beach and just relax. Now I just need to fnid a good book! :)
1.03.2011
Hello 2011!
Even though I have been off work for the past 10 days, we have been busy busy bees! But it has been a ton of fun! I can't wait until later this month when I can hopefully get my iPhone for work, and then I can actually post more pictures (always forget otherwise to get out the camera!). Here is a quick recap:
Pre-Christmas: Did a LOT of cooking which was so fun since I had gotten a few new gadgets as early Christmas gifts! Went to see the Peanuts Ice! at the Gaylord Texan and had a ton of fun!
Christmas: Even though we cut back A LOT this year, we had an amazing Christmas! I don't know why we have felt in the past that Christmas had to be this big production because we all had a wonderful Christmas this year, got a few great things that we really wanted, and overall had a wonderful weekend. I am so thankful that we were able to give our son and each other a few great gifts and I really enjoyed the holidays this year.
Post-Christmas: I decided to let my son stay home from school the week between Christmas and New Year's since I was going to be home anyways. We had to pay for that week regardless but at least he and I got some great bonding time which we had been missing out on from all of my travel in the fall. I am SO thankful for this time we had together because we had a blast! Sure, I could have probably gotten more done around the house if I had dropped him off for a few hours each day, but I am his mommy and I was so glad to have the extra time with him. We did a little cooking and cleaning and relaxed a lot, playing with his new toys and gifts from the holidays. We also got to go to the Armed Forces Bowl on Thursday, and even though S-M-U lost, we had a blast!
New Year's Eve/New Year's Day: We didn't do a ton for NYE, but we went to my favorite dinner spot (Tillman's) with hubby's family and then came home, got in our PJs, and had a family game night on the Wii! :) On Saturday, we were cleaning like crazy in preparation for my parents' arrival tomorrow, and then we were able to have my best friend, her hubby, and son over for dinner. It was so awesome to spend our first day of 2011 with them because we hadn't seen them in awhile, and I have known her for over 25 years! It was great to just be in the company of great friends. Yesterday was mostly cleaning, taking down the inside Christmas decorations, and trying to get the house back in order.
Things I learned on my break:
1) I am SUPER BLESSED to have such loving friends and family! We had a great holiday break and I am thankful for our health and happiness!
2) 1100 page books are REALLY long especially when it's not necessarily one you would pick on your own - I'm reading "Under the Dome" by Stephen King for my book club at work, and while it's not terrible, it is a really long book to be reading when the subject matter is disturbing and it wouldn't be my first choice in books!
3) I don't do well with being "bored" - that seems silly but the days that I didn't really get out of the house, I started to get stir crazy a bit! I guess I just like to be an active person even if that means running to the library or just moving around somehow!
4) Wii games can be frustrating to a 4 year old and can bring out a side of them that you never want to see! ;)
Up next: I am off work again today, but have to go in this afternoon to do my pre-op appointment with my doctor and the hospital so I took my son back to school this morning to get him back in his routine. Caught up on all my work e-mail and cleaned the house some more! Tomorrow will work a full day of work and then be out for 2 weeks (working from home some) for my surgery which is Wednesday morning. I'm not as worried about the actual surgery as I am the anesthesia (as usual) so when I wake up in recovery on Wednesday morning, I will be happy even though I will probably be in a lot of pain! I am just ready to get this all over with and move on with 2011!
Not sure if I will write before then, but your thoughts and prayers would be much appreciated and I will try to post when I'm home later this week (only one night in the hospital if all goes well). Hope you all had a great holiday season and let's all try to work on making 2011 the best year yet (even if we are all dealing with rough starts in one way or another!).
Pre-Christmas: Did a LOT of cooking which was so fun since I had gotten a few new gadgets as early Christmas gifts! Went to see the Peanuts Ice! at the Gaylord Texan and had a ton of fun!
Christmas: Even though we cut back A LOT this year, we had an amazing Christmas! I don't know why we have felt in the past that Christmas had to be this big production because we all had a wonderful Christmas this year, got a few great things that we really wanted, and overall had a wonderful weekend. I am so thankful that we were able to give our son and each other a few great gifts and I really enjoyed the holidays this year.
Post-Christmas: I decided to let my son stay home from school the week between Christmas and New Year's since I was going to be home anyways. We had to pay for that week regardless but at least he and I got some great bonding time which we had been missing out on from all of my travel in the fall. I am SO thankful for this time we had together because we had a blast! Sure, I could have probably gotten more done around the house if I had dropped him off for a few hours each day, but I am his mommy and I was so glad to have the extra time with him. We did a little cooking and cleaning and relaxed a lot, playing with his new toys and gifts from the holidays. We also got to go to the Armed Forces Bowl on Thursday, and even though S-M-U lost, we had a blast!
New Year's Eve/New Year's Day: We didn't do a ton for NYE, but we went to my favorite dinner spot (Tillman's) with hubby's family and then came home, got in our PJs, and had a family game night on the Wii! :) On Saturday, we were cleaning like crazy in preparation for my parents' arrival tomorrow, and then we were able to have my best friend, her hubby, and son over for dinner. It was so awesome to spend our first day of 2011 with them because we hadn't seen them in awhile, and I have known her for over 25 years! It was great to just be in the company of great friends. Yesterday was mostly cleaning, taking down the inside Christmas decorations, and trying to get the house back in order.
Things I learned on my break:
1) I am SUPER BLESSED to have such loving friends and family! We had a great holiday break and I am thankful for our health and happiness!
2) 1100 page books are REALLY long especially when it's not necessarily one you would pick on your own - I'm reading "Under the Dome" by Stephen King for my book club at work, and while it's not terrible, it is a really long book to be reading when the subject matter is disturbing and it wouldn't be my first choice in books!
3) I don't do well with being "bored" - that seems silly but the days that I didn't really get out of the house, I started to get stir crazy a bit! I guess I just like to be an active person even if that means running to the library or just moving around somehow!
4) Wii games can be frustrating to a 4 year old and can bring out a side of them that you never want to see! ;)
Up next: I am off work again today, but have to go in this afternoon to do my pre-op appointment with my doctor and the hospital so I took my son back to school this morning to get him back in his routine. Caught up on all my work e-mail and cleaned the house some more! Tomorrow will work a full day of work and then be out for 2 weeks (working from home some) for my surgery which is Wednesday morning. I'm not as worried about the actual surgery as I am the anesthesia (as usual) so when I wake up in recovery on Wednesday morning, I will be happy even though I will probably be in a lot of pain! I am just ready to get this all over with and move on with 2011!
Not sure if I will write before then, but your thoughts and prayers would be much appreciated and I will try to post when I'm home later this week (only one night in the hospital if all goes well). Hope you all had a great holiday season and let's all try to work on making 2011 the best year yet (even if we are all dealing with rough starts in one way or another!).
12.15.2010
Baby Steps
Today I made my first step. I had a friend send my resume to her friend who is a headhunter. And the friend wrote back that she would love to look around for me because I looked great! So....we shall see what happens! ;) I am going to be super picky when looking, but I realized that if I don't at least SEE what other options there might be, I will never know and the good thing about my position right now is that it is fine and safe and I can always say no to anything else if it isn't what I want! Here's to 2011!
11.30.2010
The Good and the Bad
Things that are good (great!) right now:
1) Spent a wonderful 5 days off this weekend enjoying the holidays with my son and hubby and some of hubby's family - included getting our Christmas tree, reading, getting stuff done around the house, cooking, and the Parade of Lights which was super fun
2) Trying hard to enjoy the holiday season even though it's hectic this time of year and we have at least one thing (sometimes both days) every weekend from now until the new year, but my husband is like Clark Griswald and his enthusiasm is infectious
3) Picked out super cute glasses yesterday after finally going to my overdue eye appointment and they should be in soon
4) Had a good conversation with my parents/mom a few weekends ago and am working to repair that relationship again - really hoping it sticks this time so this nonsense can stop - so far so good
Things that are not so good:
1) Went to my gyn today to do another check-up on my endometriosis/ovarian cysts and found out the left one is continuing to get bigger and I am likely going to have to have surgery AGAIN to remove the cyst (and possibly part of the ovary depending on damage) - I am none to pleased on this one because I just had surgery in December of last year and that one was fairly easy - this one will require an overnight hospital stay plus 2 weeks of recovery :( and I am dreading the possibility of this happening every year from now until I get a hysterectomy....grrrrrrrr. Of course calendar-wise, there isn't much good timing left either before I get busy with work again so may need to do it the week after Christmas or at the latest the first week of January or will have to wait until March which then interferes with son's birthday and potential family vacation to Hilton Head
2) Still very frustrated with job situation. Right now I feel a bit better because I'm not traveling and not so crazy busy that I can't think, but I want more out of life than this and not sure how to fix it without losing the awesome benefits that we have here. This is one I will continue to work on in 2011 I think!
3) Due to #2 and their lovely idea of a "promotion" we are more short on $$ than I would like to be with housing taxes needing to be paid in January and Christmas presents to be bought. We are trying to be frugal this year and keep our credit card debt as minimal as possible, but it sucks. Can't wait until I get my bonus in April and can pay things down and hopefully get a raise and then in the fall of next year when we will get money back from not having to pay for preschool/daycare any more.
4) Feel like a bad mother some days because 1) son was picked on by bullies last week and had a black eye for Thanksgiving weekend because some stupid kid pushed him into a pole and he hit his cheek bone and 2) back to #3, we are likely going to have to put son in public elementary school at least (not opposed to public school but our district is not as good as I want it to be and especially won't send him for middle/high school there) to save some money for a bit. Hoping he will get into the charter school (lottery on 12/18 - fingers crossed), but if not it's only a few years right? :)
I am trying hard to focus on the goods and not the bads because that stuff can get me down. We are very blessed compared to so many other families this year and if it means we have to sacrifice a bit now for a bigger payoff later, then so be it! I am just ready for some good things to start happening with work and the economy! Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and hope to write more now that I have a bit more time at work. :)
1) Spent a wonderful 5 days off this weekend enjoying the holidays with my son and hubby and some of hubby's family - included getting our Christmas tree, reading, getting stuff done around the house, cooking, and the Parade of Lights which was super fun
2) Trying hard to enjoy the holiday season even though it's hectic this time of year and we have at least one thing (sometimes both days) every weekend from now until the new year, but my husband is like Clark Griswald and his enthusiasm is infectious
3) Picked out super cute glasses yesterday after finally going to my overdue eye appointment and they should be in soon
4) Had a good conversation with my parents/mom a few weekends ago and am working to repair that relationship again - really hoping it sticks this time so this nonsense can stop - so far so good
Things that are not so good:
1) Went to my gyn today to do another check-up on my endometriosis/ovarian cysts and found out the left one is continuing to get bigger and I am likely going to have to have surgery AGAIN to remove the cyst (and possibly part of the ovary depending on damage) - I am none to pleased on this one because I just had surgery in December of last year and that one was fairly easy - this one will require an overnight hospital stay plus 2 weeks of recovery :( and I am dreading the possibility of this happening every year from now until I get a hysterectomy....grrrrrrrr. Of course calendar-wise, there isn't much good timing left either before I get busy with work again so may need to do it the week after Christmas or at the latest the first week of January or will have to wait until March which then interferes with son's birthday and potential family vacation to Hilton Head
2) Still very frustrated with job situation. Right now I feel a bit better because I'm not traveling and not so crazy busy that I can't think, but I want more out of life than this and not sure how to fix it without losing the awesome benefits that we have here. This is one I will continue to work on in 2011 I think!
3) Due to #2 and their lovely idea of a "promotion" we are more short on $$ than I would like to be with housing taxes needing to be paid in January and Christmas presents to be bought. We are trying to be frugal this year and keep our credit card debt as minimal as possible, but it sucks. Can't wait until I get my bonus in April and can pay things down and hopefully get a raise and then in the fall of next year when we will get money back from not having to pay for preschool/daycare any more.
4) Feel like a bad mother some days because 1) son was picked on by bullies last week and had a black eye for Thanksgiving weekend because some stupid kid pushed him into a pole and he hit his cheek bone and 2) back to #3, we are likely going to have to put son in public elementary school at least (not opposed to public school but our district is not as good as I want it to be and especially won't send him for middle/high school there) to save some money for a bit. Hoping he will get into the charter school (lottery on 12/18 - fingers crossed), but if not it's only a few years right? :)
I am trying hard to focus on the goods and not the bads because that stuff can get me down. We are very blessed compared to so many other families this year and if it means we have to sacrifice a bit now for a bigger payoff later, then so be it! I am just ready for some good things to start happening with work and the economy! Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and hope to write more now that I have a bit more time at work. :)
10.24.2010
If Ever Hear that Sound Again It Will Be Too Soon
This week has been an interesting one for me. In many ways, it has been a great one - I finished my last trip of the season (thank God!), I have been kicking @$$ at work even though I'm totally overwhelmed nearly 99% of the time, and I think my interview went well on Wednesday (should hear something next week about the next round).
However, it's also been one of the weirdest weeks for me as well. There have been multiple times this week that I have tried to sit down and write this post, but it was too difficult to process and write so I have stopped. But I am ready now to talk about it and what better place than here.
Last Saturday morning at 2:30 am, I was awakened to the click sound my cell phone makes when I receive a text. I'm usually a pretty good sleeper, but I've always had this thing about my phone and any noises it makes wake me automatically in a panic that something is wrong. I have good reason for this because I'm luckily past the stage in my life that my phone rings in the middle of the night because some drunk friend is needing a ride or decides she/he wants to talk even though it's 2:30 am. So when my phone rings or I get a message in the middle of the night, it usually is because something is wrong, and that night was no exception.
In my half-awake state, I begrudgingly grabbed my phone which had slipped from my nightstand (silly cat!) and was hanging by the charging cord off the edge. I looked at it and sure enough there was a text message, but it was from my high school friend, Phil. I have known Phil since middle school when he started attending the private school I had attended my whole life and he and another guy and my best girlfriend were basically best friends throughout high school. Sure we went through ups and downs and Phil even had a crush on me at one point which was very difficult to deal with because I wasn't interested but I still wanted to be friends, but we all managed through. We had been through Phil's diagnosis of bipolar disorder in high school, the borderline emotional/mental abuse I suffered from my mother during high school, the death of our other friend's mom and the new stepmother, and much more. Even in college, we were still close, seeing each other whenever we could on breaks and visiting when we could - no matter how long we are away from each other, things seem like we never left. We grow older and yet things are the same. The guys were both in my wedding and helped me deal with the shock of having my best friend completely destroy our friendship for a multi-year period (luckily we are back in touch although things will never be quite the same) and our friendship could overcome pretty much everything no matter the distance.
That was until Phil was diagnosed with brain cancer when I was pregant with my son. At first Ryan and Phil didn't want to tell me because I was 8 months pregnant and they didn't want to upset me. But then they decided that I deserved to know and over several calls and lots of tears, I came to realize that one of my friends was dying from brain cancer. The prognosis wasn't good, but there were varying timelines of how long. And things changed. Phil started to deteriorate physically and mentally - sometimes were better than others. He would send me weird messages or call me and tell me strange things. One minute he would be happy and wanting to chat, and another he would call and be pissed off at me for some "memory" he thought he had in which I had done him wrong. It was so difficult, and I was afraid to see him by myself. I still am.
About 2 years ago now, we were home for Thanksgiving, and I agreed to go see him so he could meet my son and since my husband was with me and could help us if anything weird happened. We met him at Denny's or IHOP or something like that, and we talked for a few hours. I had a hard time looking at him because the steroids and medicines and things had made him look very differnt and when I looked down and just heard his voice, he was still the same Phil. Luckily, he was having a good day that day and was very nice to all of us and even got my son an early Christmas present. That's the last time I saw him though because even though I was in Boston where he was earlier this year, I couldn't go see him because I was there for work and couldn't bring myself to see him alone. So I didn't and we rarely talk, and I know it's wrong but I don't know what else to do.
So when I saw a text from him at 2:30 am last Saturday, I wasn't sure what it would be. It could be some random funny memory or something really mean. It could have been anything....what it was though was a text telling me that he was tired and he couldn't do it any more and that he loved us (he sent it to others as well) and that it was better this way, especially for him. I knew what it meant, and I had no idea what to do. He had recently moved back to Florida, but I didn't have his new address. I thought about texting him "Please don't. Where's your brother?" because I thought he lived with his brother (apparently they live nearby but not together), but I didn't. I just lay in bed staring at the ceiling and wondering what to do. I could have called the police but I had no idea where he lived or how to get them to him. I could have called him back, but I had no idea what I would say. I could have called our other friend, Ryan, but I didn't - I just lay there in bed and did nothing. It was stupid. But part of me thought about how I would feel if I was in his shoes, and while I don't believe in suicide, I also can't say how I would feel if I was living that life. I also didn't know if it was already too late. I just did nothing and it felt terrible and yet okay at the same time.
Eventually, I fell back to sleep and the next morning I started calling our friend, Ryan, multiple times trying to see if he knew what was going on. Luckily, he called me back and told me that Phil did try to commit suicide but luckily it was with pills and alcohol and that Ryan was up late from insomnia and got the text and called the police in the town that Phil is living in. He had his new address (had asked him the week or so before by the grace of God), and also had his brother's phone number and got him over there as well. They had gotten him to the hospital in time, pumped his stomach, and were waiting to see what was going to happen next.
I don't have any other updates and it weighs on my mind each day, but I already did nothing so I guess I can just continue that. I'm not normally a person who does nothing, but sometimes that's all that you can do. I just couldn't do any more than I already am, and unfortunately, this was the place that it manifested itself. I wish I could do more, but I can't. But I can write this now and I can talk about it, and I am thankful that Ryan could do what I couldn't. We'll see how things go from here, but I know that either way I don't have much more time with Phil. It does make me realize that I should cherish everyone though because you never know when something is going to happen. Natural or unnatural, people can be taken away from you at any time.
The first time I received a text after that night, I jumped and the anxiety about the situation came back. I have changed the sound my message makes on my phone, and I hope to never EVER hear that other sound again.
However, it's also been one of the weirdest weeks for me as well. There have been multiple times this week that I have tried to sit down and write this post, but it was too difficult to process and write so I have stopped. But I am ready now to talk about it and what better place than here.
Last Saturday morning at 2:30 am, I was awakened to the click sound my cell phone makes when I receive a text. I'm usually a pretty good sleeper, but I've always had this thing about my phone and any noises it makes wake me automatically in a panic that something is wrong. I have good reason for this because I'm luckily past the stage in my life that my phone rings in the middle of the night because some drunk friend is needing a ride or decides she/he wants to talk even though it's 2:30 am. So when my phone rings or I get a message in the middle of the night, it usually is because something is wrong, and that night was no exception.
In my half-awake state, I begrudgingly grabbed my phone which had slipped from my nightstand (silly cat!) and was hanging by the charging cord off the edge. I looked at it and sure enough there was a text message, but it was from my high school friend, Phil. I have known Phil since middle school when he started attending the private school I had attended my whole life and he and another guy and my best girlfriend were basically best friends throughout high school. Sure we went through ups and downs and Phil even had a crush on me at one point which was very difficult to deal with because I wasn't interested but I still wanted to be friends, but we all managed through. We had been through Phil's diagnosis of bipolar disorder in high school, the borderline emotional/mental abuse I suffered from my mother during high school, the death of our other friend's mom and the new stepmother, and much more. Even in college, we were still close, seeing each other whenever we could on breaks and visiting when we could - no matter how long we are away from each other, things seem like we never left. We grow older and yet things are the same. The guys were both in my wedding and helped me deal with the shock of having my best friend completely destroy our friendship for a multi-year period (luckily we are back in touch although things will never be quite the same) and our friendship could overcome pretty much everything no matter the distance.
That was until Phil was diagnosed with brain cancer when I was pregant with my son. At first Ryan and Phil didn't want to tell me because I was 8 months pregnant and they didn't want to upset me. But then they decided that I deserved to know and over several calls and lots of tears, I came to realize that one of my friends was dying from brain cancer. The prognosis wasn't good, but there were varying timelines of how long. And things changed. Phil started to deteriorate physically and mentally - sometimes were better than others. He would send me weird messages or call me and tell me strange things. One minute he would be happy and wanting to chat, and another he would call and be pissed off at me for some "memory" he thought he had in which I had done him wrong. It was so difficult, and I was afraid to see him by myself. I still am.
About 2 years ago now, we were home for Thanksgiving, and I agreed to go see him so he could meet my son and since my husband was with me and could help us if anything weird happened. We met him at Denny's or IHOP or something like that, and we talked for a few hours. I had a hard time looking at him because the steroids and medicines and things had made him look very differnt and when I looked down and just heard his voice, he was still the same Phil. Luckily, he was having a good day that day and was very nice to all of us and even got my son an early Christmas present. That's the last time I saw him though because even though I was in Boston where he was earlier this year, I couldn't go see him because I was there for work and couldn't bring myself to see him alone. So I didn't and we rarely talk, and I know it's wrong but I don't know what else to do.
So when I saw a text from him at 2:30 am last Saturday, I wasn't sure what it would be. It could be some random funny memory or something really mean. It could have been anything....what it was though was a text telling me that he was tired and he couldn't do it any more and that he loved us (he sent it to others as well) and that it was better this way, especially for him. I knew what it meant, and I had no idea what to do. He had recently moved back to Florida, but I didn't have his new address. I thought about texting him "Please don't. Where's your brother?" because I thought he lived with his brother (apparently they live nearby but not together), but I didn't. I just lay in bed staring at the ceiling and wondering what to do. I could have called the police but I had no idea where he lived or how to get them to him. I could have called him back, but I had no idea what I would say. I could have called our other friend, Ryan, but I didn't - I just lay there in bed and did nothing. It was stupid. But part of me thought about how I would feel if I was in his shoes, and while I don't believe in suicide, I also can't say how I would feel if I was living that life. I also didn't know if it was already too late. I just did nothing and it felt terrible and yet okay at the same time.
Eventually, I fell back to sleep and the next morning I started calling our friend, Ryan, multiple times trying to see if he knew what was going on. Luckily, he called me back and told me that Phil did try to commit suicide but luckily it was with pills and alcohol and that Ryan was up late from insomnia and got the text and called the police in the town that Phil is living in. He had his new address (had asked him the week or so before by the grace of God), and also had his brother's phone number and got him over there as well. They had gotten him to the hospital in time, pumped his stomach, and were waiting to see what was going to happen next.
I don't have any other updates and it weighs on my mind each day, but I already did nothing so I guess I can just continue that. I'm not normally a person who does nothing, but sometimes that's all that you can do. I just couldn't do any more than I already am, and unfortunately, this was the place that it manifested itself. I wish I could do more, but I can't. But I can write this now and I can talk about it, and I am thankful that Ryan could do what I couldn't. We'll see how things go from here, but I know that either way I don't have much more time with Phil. It does make me realize that I should cherish everyone though because you never know when something is going to happen. Natural or unnatural, people can be taken away from you at any time.
The first time I received a text after that night, I jumped and the anxiety about the situation came back. I have changed the sound my message makes on my phone, and I hope to never EVER hear that other sound again.
10.19.2010
Frustration
Sometimes I get so frustrated about things that it makes me want to cry. Luckily today is not one of those days, but it could have been yesterday. I don't know it's due to my anxiety or I'm just a perfectionist or what is going on, but lately I have been stressing about money. I don't really have a good reason to be - hubby and I both have jobs that pay fairly well and are secure, and we have a nice house and 2 nice cars and are definitely not living a bad life in any way. But I still get stressed because I want to be paying down debt or putting away money into savings, and we aren't able to do any of those things. We are able to make our bills, have a little bit of extra spending here and there, and that's about it. I know next year depending on what we do with our son for kindergarten, we will hopefully have some extra $$ back from daycare/preschool expenses. But that won't be until next August at the earliest.
I think the thing that gets me the most is that here I am busting my butt day in and day out at work and traveling all over this country, and for what? I'm not getting the overtime and doubletime any more which helped us save a little extra here and there. I'm not even going to make in salary this year what I made with salary and extra last year even though I got promoted. It's a crock. Hubby just got a little raise about 2 months ago which has helped tremendously, but then why does it feel like it's never enough?
I know this sounds super whiny because there are many people out there right now who don't have jobs and have had to give up their houses or cars or whatever to make ends meet. And we are nowhere near that so I should probably just shut up. But I still worry because I don't want to get to that place ever. I keep hoping and praying that something great will come along for us and the economy will get better and we'll get better about managing our money. We are working on it and trying to buy less "prizes" for our son and stick to the necessities for a little while so we can save up a bit for Christmas presents. But it sucks and it frustrates me.
Here's hoping tomorrow's interview goes well and I'm one step closer to a solution to ALL of this!
I think the thing that gets me the most is that here I am busting my butt day in and day out at work and traveling all over this country, and for what? I'm not getting the overtime and doubletime any more which helped us save a little extra here and there. I'm not even going to make in salary this year what I made with salary and extra last year even though I got promoted. It's a crock. Hubby just got a little raise about 2 months ago which has helped tremendously, but then why does it feel like it's never enough?
I know this sounds super whiny because there are many people out there right now who don't have jobs and have had to give up their houses or cars or whatever to make ends meet. And we are nowhere near that so I should probably just shut up. But I still worry because I don't want to get to that place ever. I keep hoping and praying that something great will come along for us and the economy will get better and we'll get better about managing our money. We are working on it and trying to buy less "prizes" for our son and stick to the necessities for a little while so we can save up a bit for Christmas presents. But it sucks and it frustrates me.
Here's hoping tomorrow's interview goes well and I'm one step closer to a solution to ALL of this!
10.11.2010
Where am I?
I have like zero time to write this but I'm going to anyways because I've been neglecting again and I don't want to lose the very few readers I have! :) Here is the quick update:
-I have been getting absolutely 100% killed at work. I broke down in tears one day a few weeks ago because it's just so overwhelming sometimes (and I was PMSing!) and I feel like no matter what I do it's never enough. The good thing is that the days fly by quickly, but the bad thing is that I still feel like there is never enough time to get everything done. After the next two weeks, things should slow down slightly before my big weekend in November. Let's hope I can make it!
-As a result of above, I have been having more anxiety and panic attacks and symptoms. It sucks. No job should do this to your body, but this one does. I have gotten really good at counting in my head (sounds crazy I know), praying, meditating, and trying to envision my fears/problems going away from me on a conveyor belt. So strange that I'm even typing this because it doesn't feel like me, but it has become a part of my reality. I hope it stays dormant again soon.
-On the job front, I made it to the 2nd round of interviews with the position within my company! I'm so excited! :) I was asked to send my last two reviews in a few weeks ago and then last week they asked me to conduct another round of scenario style interviews. I'm a little nervous for that, but luckily I don't really have too much time to think about it! Those interviews are next Monday, and I'm hoping I make it through those to the last round which will be a call with the global head of the department who sits in London. Keep your fingers crossed!
-In my current position, I am at least being recognized nationally, as I was chosen on Friday as the trainer for the new system we are rolling out next year. I was picked as the trainer for all of North America for people who do my job. So now when can I get the paycheck, hours, and recognition that really should come along with all of that? Clearly people recognize what I do, but I just can't get the formality of making it further. Something's gotta give one of these days! At least if I don't get this other position, or if something falls through, I can look forward to this which will involve training in Boston in May and June.
-Life is good at home. Love my son so much and my hubby too! We had a WONDERFUL anniversary including massage and pedicure, amazing dinner at Tillman's Roadhouse (if you live in the area you must try it - they have one in Dallas and one in Ft. Worth which is where we went), and an evening in a nice hotel downtown. Even though I stay in hotels all the time for work, it was nice to have my hubby there with me and have an evening for just the two of us away from it all - even if it was only 15 miles or so from our house!
-That's all I have time for and that takes care of the main things! I hope to come back with good news soon!
-I have been getting absolutely 100% killed at work. I broke down in tears one day a few weeks ago because it's just so overwhelming sometimes (and I was PMSing!) and I feel like no matter what I do it's never enough. The good thing is that the days fly by quickly, but the bad thing is that I still feel like there is never enough time to get everything done. After the next two weeks, things should slow down slightly before my big weekend in November. Let's hope I can make it!
-As a result of above, I have been having more anxiety and panic attacks and symptoms. It sucks. No job should do this to your body, but this one does. I have gotten really good at counting in my head (sounds crazy I know), praying, meditating, and trying to envision my fears/problems going away from me on a conveyor belt. So strange that I'm even typing this because it doesn't feel like me, but it has become a part of my reality. I hope it stays dormant again soon.
-On the job front, I made it to the 2nd round of interviews with the position within my company! I'm so excited! :) I was asked to send my last two reviews in a few weeks ago and then last week they asked me to conduct another round of scenario style interviews. I'm a little nervous for that, but luckily I don't really have too much time to think about it! Those interviews are next Monday, and I'm hoping I make it through those to the last round which will be a call with the global head of the department who sits in London. Keep your fingers crossed!
-In my current position, I am at least being recognized nationally, as I was chosen on Friday as the trainer for the new system we are rolling out next year. I was picked as the trainer for all of North America for people who do my job. So now when can I get the paycheck, hours, and recognition that really should come along with all of that? Clearly people recognize what I do, but I just can't get the formality of making it further. Something's gotta give one of these days! At least if I don't get this other position, or if something falls through, I can look forward to this which will involve training in Boston in May and June.
-Life is good at home. Love my son so much and my hubby too! We had a WONDERFUL anniversary including massage and pedicure, amazing dinner at Tillman's Roadhouse (if you live in the area you must try it - they have one in Dallas and one in Ft. Worth which is where we went), and an evening in a nice hotel downtown. Even though I stay in hotels all the time for work, it was nice to have my hubby there with me and have an evening for just the two of us away from it all - even if it was only 15 miles or so from our house!
-That's all I have time for and that takes care of the main things! I hope to come back with good news soon!
9.18.2010
One down, one to go (for 1st rounds at least!)
I spent 45 minutes yesterday in one of the most difficult interviews I've ever had. Not because the manager was super mean or difficult or anything - just because she asked some really thought-provoking questions that I had to quickly think on my feet to solve. I think I did really well though so I'm proud of myself because I know that no matter what, I gave it a great effort. I have a call on Monday with the other project leader for this position, so we'll see what she has to say. Then they will debrief and let me know if I made it to round 2. I'm really hoping this all works out. If it doesn't though, I"m trying to convince myself that it's only because something better is headed my way and now is not the time. But hopefully it will all work out and give me another great opportunity while getting to stay in the same company! Keep your fingers crossed!
2.25.2010
Holes
I'm in a rut - I'm in a hole. I don't know how to dig out. I am just stuck and can't see the light up above any more. There are great things in the hole with me - loving husband, adorable son, great house, cars, material things. But I want us to be on solid ground. I want us to have something to celebrate (other than the wonderful day-to-day of course that I'm very thankful for). My job is sucking the life out of me. It's not bad by any means, and I am grateful to have it and think that I work for a pretty good company in the grand scheme of things. But I'm in a rut.
I feel like I'm treading water for 4.5 years and somehow can't manage to make it to the side to get out and move on. I sometimes wonder if I will ever get out. I apply for a job here or there only to be quickly denied because I don't quite meet the qualifications or there are 500 other people out there with even more experience. I don't think my resume speaks for me. I don't think it shows what a hard worker I am, how I go above and beyond in my work, rarely miss work save for a few vacations a year and once in awhile a sick day, and still manage to be a wife and a mother. Or how even when I have a million and one things go on with my specific duties, I still manage to find time to help out my coworkers or contribute to various committees/projects around the office to make it a better place. Those things don't show on my resume, and I don't know how to make them.
So I'm stuck. I am hoping to at least get a promotion (which I deserved last year but wasn't given for no good reason) this year but it's still not enough. It's just a promotion of title change and maybe a little salary bump, but there is no future here. And yet I can't seem to get out and find something else either. So I feel like I'm trying with all of my might to claw on the sides of the hole and dig out, but every time I think I'm making progress, more dirt slides back in and keeps me buried where I am. I'm hopeful that one of these days someone will recognize the jewel that I am amongst the dirt and help to pull me out and give me another chance and let me be the person I know I can be. Until then, I guess I'll keep on treading and keep on pushing myself to find that light at the top of the hole.
I feel like I'm treading water for 4.5 years and somehow can't manage to make it to the side to get out and move on. I sometimes wonder if I will ever get out. I apply for a job here or there only to be quickly denied because I don't quite meet the qualifications or there are 500 other people out there with even more experience. I don't think my resume speaks for me. I don't think it shows what a hard worker I am, how I go above and beyond in my work, rarely miss work save for a few vacations a year and once in awhile a sick day, and still manage to be a wife and a mother. Or how even when I have a million and one things go on with my specific duties, I still manage to find time to help out my coworkers or contribute to various committees/projects around the office to make it a better place. Those things don't show on my resume, and I don't know how to make them.
So I'm stuck. I am hoping to at least get a promotion (which I deserved last year but wasn't given for no good reason) this year but it's still not enough. It's just a promotion of title change and maybe a little salary bump, but there is no future here. And yet I can't seem to get out and find something else either. So I feel like I'm trying with all of my might to claw on the sides of the hole and dig out, but every time I think I'm making progress, more dirt slides back in and keeps me buried where I am. I'm hopeful that one of these days someone will recognize the jewel that I am amongst the dirt and help to pull me out and give me another chance and let me be the person I know I can be. Until then, I guess I'll keep on treading and keep on pushing myself to find that light at the top of the hole.
2.04.2010
Lost?
My husband and I LOVE the TV show "Lost." I actually think that my husband may go into a depression when it ends this May. ;) The interesting thing about that show is that it has so many different scenarios and "realities" for the characters. So you really can think through and see all of the different paths a person's life can take based on the various choices they make and the outside influences that guide them.
As you know, I've been thinking a lot lately about the direction I want to take with my work life. I love what I do but I always feel like there is the "now what" creeping in. In college, I minored in psychology. It was always something I was interested in, and I really enjoyed nearly all of my psychology classes and did well in them. I found it fascinating the different ways the mind worked and all of the conditions that can affect a person. I sort of blew it off though as a fun thing to minor in, but nothing more. However, lately I am beginning to wonder if I shouldn't have pursued that a little farther and become a licensed professional counselor or something like that. I love helping people which would be a great fit, and I think I have a natural ability for it and people seem drawn to tell me their issues already.
The complication is that that would mean a total career change (yet again). Plus a few years of schooling of which I don't know how we would pay the tuition on top of everything else. So I keep trying to push that idea out of my mind because it's not realistic. But what is? Is sitting around waiting for something to change in my current situation realistic?
We got a letter from the new pastor at the church where Cooper's school is. He is starting a new series this weekend about opening doors, and the letter really spoke to me. It talked about getting enough courage to try something that you've always wanted to do or to tell someone something you've been holding back. The 2nd doesn't apply to me, but the first really hit home and I sort of saw it as a sign. I am hoping we can go this Sunday and check it out and listen to what he says. Maybe it will give me some clarity. I had a dream last weekend that Austin told me that he had got a call from God. Ever since, I feel like He is trying to communicate with me somehow and if I could just get there to talk to Him, I would have some clarity.
2010 is one of those years where I just feel something big is going to happen. I don't know what that is yet or what direction it may take me, but I'm ready. I love my life and my family and I'm so thankful for all that we have. I am just ready to take that next step, whatever it is, in my life and career. So even though I feel a little lost sometimes lately, I'm hoping that, like the show, this period of time will soon be over.
As you know, I've been thinking a lot lately about the direction I want to take with my work life. I love what I do but I always feel like there is the "now what" creeping in. In college, I minored in psychology. It was always something I was interested in, and I really enjoyed nearly all of my psychology classes and did well in them. I found it fascinating the different ways the mind worked and all of the conditions that can affect a person. I sort of blew it off though as a fun thing to minor in, but nothing more. However, lately I am beginning to wonder if I shouldn't have pursued that a little farther and become a licensed professional counselor or something like that. I love helping people which would be a great fit, and I think I have a natural ability for it and people seem drawn to tell me their issues already.
The complication is that that would mean a total career change (yet again). Plus a few years of schooling of which I don't know how we would pay the tuition on top of everything else. So I keep trying to push that idea out of my mind because it's not realistic. But what is? Is sitting around waiting for something to change in my current situation realistic?
We got a letter from the new pastor at the church where Cooper's school is. He is starting a new series this weekend about opening doors, and the letter really spoke to me. It talked about getting enough courage to try something that you've always wanted to do or to tell someone something you've been holding back. The 2nd doesn't apply to me, but the first really hit home and I sort of saw it as a sign. I am hoping we can go this Sunday and check it out and listen to what he says. Maybe it will give me some clarity. I had a dream last weekend that Austin told me that he had got a call from God. Ever since, I feel like He is trying to communicate with me somehow and if I could just get there to talk to Him, I would have some clarity.
2010 is one of those years where I just feel something big is going to happen. I don't know what that is yet or what direction it may take me, but I'm ready. I love my life and my family and I'm so thankful for all that we have. I am just ready to take that next step, whatever it is, in my life and career. So even though I feel a little lost sometimes lately, I'm hoping that, like the show, this period of time will soon be over.
1.19.2010
Inspiration
Wow, I just reread what I wrote on that last post. It makes me seem like a crazy person. And I sort of have been feeling like a crazy person lately due to the hormones I am taking to fight my "endometriosis." So I'm going off of them. It's not worth it to me to feel like that all of the time. I know there is the possibility that it might grow back or that it make it harder for us to get pregnant in the future. But like I said before, we aren't even sure how we feel about that topic so there's no point in making myself miserable in the meantime.
For those who don't know what endometriosis is, it basically means that the tissue that is supposed to grow inside of your uterus (and help if you were to conceive a child, etc.) decides to start growing in places it shouldn't be growing. In my case, that meant the outside of my uterine wall, my bladder, and a few other areas. I don't think it hit me originally what all of it meant, but now I know that like my hubby, I am going to be dealing with this in one form or another for the rest of my life (or at least a good portion of it). Which is why it was so incredibly frustrating to me when I was dealing with anxiety, mood swings, sleepless nights, cramping legs, memory issues, and all kinds of other lovely things. When I got all the way to my son's school this morning and THEN realized that I had forgot his backpack for school and had to turn around and do it all over again, I realized enough was enough. I talked to the doctor and we will just monitor things frequently to see how it is going and go from there. So I hope to be more human again in a few weeks once everything is back out of my system. ;)
Yesterday, I had the day off from work and while my son was taking a nap, I watched the movie "Julie & Julia." I found it quite fascinating, and as I sat there watching these two women's stories unfold, I was reminded of two main things. One was that I should blog more often (!) and the second had to do with inspiration. I want to inspire people, and I want to be inspired. I don't want to wake up and mechanically go through the day like one long episode of Groundhog's Day. It's not worth it. Sure, life can be monotonous at times, but it's all about what you make of it. So now I'm on a quest to find my inspiration (and hopefully to inspire others along the way). These two strong women portrayed in Julie & Julia each took a passion and made it happen - ha - and I hope to follow in their footsteps soon. I don't know where or how my life will unfold as a result, but I'm looking forward to seeing how the next year progresses. I am determined to have 2010 be an amazing year, and I already have many blessings to look forward to (Florida trip in March, beach trip in May, and hopefully cruisetour of Alaska in July). I am one lucky ducky!
Now if only I could get my attitude in check! :)
For those who don't know what endometriosis is, it basically means that the tissue that is supposed to grow inside of your uterus (and help if you were to conceive a child, etc.) decides to start growing in places it shouldn't be growing. In my case, that meant the outside of my uterine wall, my bladder, and a few other areas. I don't think it hit me originally what all of it meant, but now I know that like my hubby, I am going to be dealing with this in one form or another for the rest of my life (or at least a good portion of it). Which is why it was so incredibly frustrating to me when I was dealing with anxiety, mood swings, sleepless nights, cramping legs, memory issues, and all kinds of other lovely things. When I got all the way to my son's school this morning and THEN realized that I had forgot his backpack for school and had to turn around and do it all over again, I realized enough was enough. I talked to the doctor and we will just monitor things frequently to see how it is going and go from there. So I hope to be more human again in a few weeks once everything is back out of my system. ;)
Yesterday, I had the day off from work and while my son was taking a nap, I watched the movie "Julie & Julia." I found it quite fascinating, and as I sat there watching these two women's stories unfold, I was reminded of two main things. One was that I should blog more often (!) and the second had to do with inspiration. I want to inspire people, and I want to be inspired. I don't want to wake up and mechanically go through the day like one long episode of Groundhog's Day. It's not worth it. Sure, life can be monotonous at times, but it's all about what you make of it. So now I'm on a quest to find my inspiration (and hopefully to inspire others along the way). These two strong women portrayed in Julie & Julia each took a passion and made it happen - ha - and I hope to follow in their footsteps soon. I don't know where or how my life will unfold as a result, but I'm looking forward to seeing how the next year progresses. I am determined to have 2010 be an amazing year, and I already have many blessings to look forward to (Florida trip in March, beach trip in May, and hopefully cruisetour of Alaska in July). I am one lucky ducky!
Now if only I could get my attitude in check! :)
12.30.2009
The new year is coming
I pretty much abandoned this blog, but I feel the need to write lately so I think I will start it up once again. I'm not much of a journal writer, plus then it can be sitting around where someone can see and this I can keep private if I want to. But I feel like writing my thoughts down at least get them out of my head and onto the screen so I can digest them and hopefully move on. I don't like having things running around in my head 24-7 as it makes me negative and gives me problems sleeping. So here I am typing away to see if I can clear my head again and maybe get to a point where I do this more regularly for my sanity! :)
As 2009 closes tomorrow evening, I look back at what a year it has been. I am so very thankful for the many blessings we have had - two stable jobs, relatively good health, a beautiful and loving child, a nice home and cars, etc. We have been able to patch the relationship with my parents which is nice and seems to be headed in the right direction, and we are getting better about taking more time to focus on my husband and me (although we could still use some improvement in this area). We have been through a lot of hardships this year too and have come through pretty well if I do say so myself.
Both I and Hubby have been through some interesting situations at work this year. Hubby's will hopefully resolve itself now that his father is president and we shall see which direction he will head. There is a chance he may move over to sales which I think he would actually enjoy, but in order to do that, I would definitely have to switch my work because I will not have two traveling parents for our son - that's just not right and not fair! When I think about changing jobs or companies, there is a lot that I would miss about my current job/situation. But there is also a lot of room for improvement so if I was lucky enough to find the right situation, it may help. There are always the conflicts between what I love and what makes money, but I think everyone has that issue and even Hubby has dealt with that and sacrificed his wishes for what is best for our family. I can always do the flower/cake/event thing on the side! :) We shall see what 2010 brings in this area for me. There could be changes at my current job (interested to see what if anything is done with my boss and the "career path" they are supposedly creating) or I may end up finding something great and moving on. It's scary to think about but since I don't have that option yet, I'm trying to stay positive about my current role and try to enjoy life as best as I can. It is hard when I feel like I'm living Groundhog Day and treading water, but something has to give eventually - I just don't know yet what path God has in store for me next. I'm trying to be patient to see as He has provided me a great path for the past few years and for that I'm very thankful.
I ended up having surgery two weeks ago since those pesky cysts wouldn't go away on their own. And I'm going to have to take hormones again despite my desire to do so to keep the endometriosis I now have in check. I don't mind it but it's annoying as I don't enjoy putting that stuff in my body. But I would rather do that than have to have surgery every few years or worry about it destroying my insides. I'm still not sure what I want to do about the second kid thing. Austin I think is wanting to have one, but I'm just not sure. Yes, I love playing with our "nephew" or other babies, but it's nice to hand them back and have my cuddly bug to myself. I can't imagine what it would be like for our son to have to share us and I would never want to do to him what so many parents do to their children once a sibling is in the picture. It's a tough call but we are going to have to figure it out soon. It's yet another wrench in my "what next" picture as it could likely affect my career/work situation as well and the cost of two children in daycare/school is atrocious. We'll see!
Other than that, I guess that's all I need to get out for now. I know that I would never want to be a stay-at-home mom because I've actually been kind of "bored" these last two weeks being home from work. I just know I need some sort of change - something to challenge me, something for me to look forward to - because I'm just getting blah about life and I hate that. I'm not that type of person and don't want to become that type of person ever. So something, somehow, has to change - just need to figure out what that is.
I will stop blathering on for now - off to read what I hope will be a good book!
As 2009 closes tomorrow evening, I look back at what a year it has been. I am so very thankful for the many blessings we have had - two stable jobs, relatively good health, a beautiful and loving child, a nice home and cars, etc. We have been able to patch the relationship with my parents which is nice and seems to be headed in the right direction, and we are getting better about taking more time to focus on my husband and me (although we could still use some improvement in this area). We have been through a lot of hardships this year too and have come through pretty well if I do say so myself.
Both I and Hubby have been through some interesting situations at work this year. Hubby's will hopefully resolve itself now that his father is president and we shall see which direction he will head. There is a chance he may move over to sales which I think he would actually enjoy, but in order to do that, I would definitely have to switch my work because I will not have two traveling parents for our son - that's just not right and not fair! When I think about changing jobs or companies, there is a lot that I would miss about my current job/situation. But there is also a lot of room for improvement so if I was lucky enough to find the right situation, it may help. There are always the conflicts between what I love and what makes money, but I think everyone has that issue and even Hubby has dealt with that and sacrificed his wishes for what is best for our family. I can always do the flower/cake/event thing on the side! :) We shall see what 2010 brings in this area for me. There could be changes at my current job (interested to see what if anything is done with my boss and the "career path" they are supposedly creating) or I may end up finding something great and moving on. It's scary to think about but since I don't have that option yet, I'm trying to stay positive about my current role and try to enjoy life as best as I can. It is hard when I feel like I'm living Groundhog Day and treading water, but something has to give eventually - I just don't know yet what path God has in store for me next. I'm trying to be patient to see as He has provided me a great path for the past few years and for that I'm very thankful.
I ended up having surgery two weeks ago since those pesky cysts wouldn't go away on their own. And I'm going to have to take hormones again despite my desire to do so to keep the endometriosis I now have in check. I don't mind it but it's annoying as I don't enjoy putting that stuff in my body. But I would rather do that than have to have surgery every few years or worry about it destroying my insides. I'm still not sure what I want to do about the second kid thing. Austin I think is wanting to have one, but I'm just not sure. Yes, I love playing with our "nephew" or other babies, but it's nice to hand them back and have my cuddly bug to myself. I can't imagine what it would be like for our son to have to share us and I would never want to do to him what so many parents do to their children once a sibling is in the picture. It's a tough call but we are going to have to figure it out soon. It's yet another wrench in my "what next" picture as it could likely affect my career/work situation as well and the cost of two children in daycare/school is atrocious. We'll see!
Other than that, I guess that's all I need to get out for now. I know that I would never want to be a stay-at-home mom because I've actually been kind of "bored" these last two weeks being home from work. I just know I need some sort of change - something to challenge me, something for me to look forward to - because I'm just getting blah about life and I hate that. I'm not that type of person and don't want to become that type of person ever. So something, somehow, has to change - just need to figure out what that is.
I will stop blathering on for now - off to read what I hope will be a good book!
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