Hurt

I try not to let myself get hurt by things people say. But I am a Cancer and I'm sensitive to others at times. I try to have a tough shell and try to be tough, but on the inside, there are things that really hurt me. Right now, I have several things that are hurting my heart. The good thing is that I'm able to deal with them and write about them and go through the emotions (my drive home in traffic seems to be a great place for me to release my emotions!) so I can get home and be loving and happy with my son and husband.

The first thing that is hurting me now is the situation with my parents. Even though it is by my choice that I am not speaking to them right now, it still really hurts that it has come to this. I don't understand why I am the one that has to have parents that treat me the way they do - why can't I have a normal relationship with my parents so that I can look forward to spending time with them occasionally? Why is it so difficult always with them and why does it never change no matter how hard I try?

Secondly, I am hurt because I want more out of my career and want to give more money to my family so we don't have to stress about money or daycare or going on a trip or anything else. I think the biggest frustration with this is that I don't know where to go from here and hope that someone will help me figure that process out.

I am hurt by my husband's family and this whole situation with the cruise. How do they think it's okay to send us pictures and call and tell us how much fun they are having when we weren't invited to go and are having to go without sleep and working all hours and sitting in crazy traffic and everything else trying to make this week work? It's like they just aren't thinking because I would hope they aren't trying to hurt us. But it does still hurt and it hurts more how it affects my husband and he therefore is grumpy with me and our son.

Lastly, there was a very specific incident yesterday that hurt me. I'm trying to get over it, but I hate that it makes me question myself and qualities that I think are good qualities of myself. My boss is great for the most part and I really like her as a person. But she has a tendency to say some odd things sometimes and they are hurtful. I don't know if it is because she is kind of conservative and old-school in her thinking about things or what the issue is. But it sucks because those types of things don't help boost my morale towards my job in a time where I'm struggling, feeling like the glass ceiling is pushing me down further and further.

Anyways, I was in a team meeting with her, my coworker, and myself yesterday and we were talking about an aspect of our job for the fall. I was giving an update on the status of the fall events and simply asked if when everything was set, she and I could sit down and try to figure who would be going to which events. I only ask this because 1) I like to plan ahead and two months in advance for travel isn't that far ahead, 2) I like to book ahead to get the flight times/hotels that I want for a good price, 3) I have a family and it is necessary for them to know when I'm going to be around or not for transportation to/from school and our own family plans, and 4) I like to take a dance class at a local community college and want to know if I will even be around much for it in the fall or if I should save my money and just wait until the spring again. Her response to my simple question (I promise I said it totally innocently) was "I'm not a planner LIKE YOU, and you aren't going to make me LIKE YOU, and that's probably a GOOD THING." I think she realized what she said was harsh because she added a few seconds later "so we can have balance" but it was too late at that point. She had already made me feel like a bad person for wanting to plan ahead.

I'm sorry but that is part of my job and there is nothing wrong with planning ahead and being organized. I'm not forcing her to be like me in the slightest, but I don't think it's too much to ask to find out in advance when I'm going to be traveling several days a week for nearly every week for the months of September and October. I like to have a life OUTSIDE of work too and like to plan those things in advance too based on when I'm going to be where. Additionally, I have friends near some of the cities we go to and would like to leverage my work visits when I can to have friend visits as well. If she has a problem with it (she never has in the past), then she shouldn't be doing our job because it is all about PLANNING. It makes me sad and mad all at the same time. I'm not a bad person and I don't like feeling like I am for no reason whatsoever. Even my coworker said something to me afterwards about how she was shocked that our boss had said that. It was hurtful and I'm not quite over it. I had one crying car ride home yesterday, hopefully today I can avoid that, and save my tears for sappy TV like Grey's Anatomy or something - ha!

Thanks for listening to my rent about how hurt I am. I know I shouldn't complain because my life could be so much worse in so many ways, but I'm just struggling right now to make sense of everything going on and trying to keep my head up when I really don't feel like it. I hope to be more positive again soon, and hope to develop tougher skin than what I've already had to develop from years of torture from my parents. I'll get there one day and look back at all of this and laugh!