This week has been an interesting one for me. In many ways, it has been a great one - I finished my last trip of the season (thank God!), I have been kicking @$$ at work even though I'm totally overwhelmed nearly 99% of the time, and I think my interview went well on Wednesday (should hear something next week about the next round).
However, it's also been one of the weirdest weeks for me as well. There have been multiple times this week that I have tried to sit down and write this post, but it was too difficult to process and write so I have stopped. But I am ready now to talk about it and what better place than here.
Last Saturday morning at 2:30 am, I was awakened to the click sound my cell phone makes when I receive a text. I'm usually a pretty good sleeper, but I've always had this thing about my phone and any noises it makes wake me automatically in a panic that something is wrong. I have good reason for this because I'm luckily past the stage in my life that my phone rings in the middle of the night because some drunk friend is needing a ride or decides she/he wants to talk even though it's 2:30 am. So when my phone rings or I get a message in the middle of the night, it usually is because something is wrong, and that night was no exception.
In my half-awake state, I begrudgingly grabbed my phone which had slipped from my nightstand (silly cat!) and was hanging by the charging cord off the edge. I looked at it and sure enough there was a text message, but it was from my high school friend, Phil. I have known Phil since middle school when he started attending the private school I had attended my whole life and he and another guy and my best girlfriend were basically best friends throughout high school. Sure we went through ups and downs and Phil even had a crush on me at one point which was very difficult to deal with because I wasn't interested but I still wanted to be friends, but we all managed through. We had been through Phil's diagnosis of bipolar disorder in high school, the borderline emotional/mental abuse I suffered from my mother during high school, the death of our other friend's mom and the new stepmother, and much more. Even in college, we were still close, seeing each other whenever we could on breaks and visiting when we could - no matter how long we are away from each other, things seem like we never left. We grow older and yet things are the same. The guys were both in my wedding and helped me deal with the shock of having my best friend completely destroy our friendship for a multi-year period (luckily we are back in touch although things will never be quite the same) and our friendship could overcome pretty much everything no matter the distance.
That was until Phil was diagnosed with brain cancer when I was pregant with my son. At first Ryan and Phil didn't want to tell me because I was 8 months pregnant and they didn't want to upset me. But then they decided that I deserved to know and over several calls and lots of tears, I came to realize that one of my friends was dying from brain cancer. The prognosis wasn't good, but there were varying timelines of how long. And things changed. Phil started to deteriorate physically and mentally - sometimes were better than others. He would send me weird messages or call me and tell me strange things. One minute he would be happy and wanting to chat, and another he would call and be pissed off at me for some "memory" he thought he had in which I had done him wrong. It was so difficult, and I was afraid to see him by myself. I still am.
About 2 years ago now, we were home for Thanksgiving, and I agreed to go see him so he could meet my son and since my husband was with me and could help us if anything weird happened. We met him at Denny's or IHOP or something like that, and we talked for a few hours. I had a hard time looking at him because the steroids and medicines and things had made him look very differnt and when I looked down and just heard his voice, he was still the same Phil. Luckily, he was having a good day that day and was very nice to all of us and even got my son an early Christmas present. That's the last time I saw him though because even though I was in Boston where he was earlier this year, I couldn't go see him because I was there for work and couldn't bring myself to see him alone. So I didn't and we rarely talk, and I know it's wrong but I don't know what else to do.
So when I saw a text from him at 2:30 am last Saturday, I wasn't sure what it would be. It could be some random funny memory or something really mean. It could have been anything....what it was though was a text telling me that he was tired and he couldn't do it any more and that he loved us (he sent it to others as well) and that it was better this way, especially for him. I knew what it meant, and I had no idea what to do. He had recently moved back to Florida, but I didn't have his new address. I thought about texting him "Please don't. Where's your brother?" because I thought he lived with his brother (apparently they live nearby but not together), but I didn't. I just lay in bed staring at the ceiling and wondering what to do. I could have called the police but I had no idea where he lived or how to get them to him. I could have called him back, but I had no idea what I would say. I could have called our other friend, Ryan, but I didn't - I just lay there in bed and did nothing. It was stupid. But part of me thought about how I would feel if I was in his shoes, and while I don't believe in suicide, I also can't say how I would feel if I was living that life. I also didn't know if it was already too late. I just did nothing and it felt terrible and yet okay at the same time.
Eventually, I fell back to sleep and the next morning I started calling our friend, Ryan, multiple times trying to see if he knew what was going on. Luckily, he called me back and told me that Phil did try to commit suicide but luckily it was with pills and alcohol and that Ryan was up late from insomnia and got the text and called the police in the town that Phil is living in. He had his new address (had asked him the week or so before by the grace of God), and also had his brother's phone number and got him over there as well. They had gotten him to the hospital in time, pumped his stomach, and were waiting to see what was going to happen next.
I don't have any other updates and it weighs on my mind each day, but I already did nothing so I guess I can just continue that. I'm not normally a person who does nothing, but sometimes that's all that you can do. I just couldn't do any more than I already am, and unfortunately, this was the place that it manifested itself. I wish I could do more, but I can't. But I can write this now and I can talk about it, and I am thankful that Ryan could do what I couldn't. We'll see how things go from here, but I know that either way I don't have much more time with Phil. It does make me realize that I should cherish everyone though because you never know when something is going to happen. Natural or unnatural, people can be taken away from you at any time.
The first time I received a text after that night, I jumped and the anxiety about the situation came back. I have changed the sound my message makes on my phone, and I hope to never EVER hear that other sound again.
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