I'm in a rut - I'm in a hole. I don't know how to dig out. I am just stuck and can't see the light up above any more. There are great things in the hole with me - loving husband, adorable son, great house, cars, material things. But I want us to be on solid ground. I want us to have something to celebrate (other than the wonderful day-to-day of course that I'm very thankful for). My job is sucking the life out of me. It's not bad by any means, and I am grateful to have it and think that I work for a pretty good company in the grand scheme of things. But I'm in a rut.
I feel like I'm treading water for 4.5 years and somehow can't manage to make it to the side to get out and move on. I sometimes wonder if I will ever get out. I apply for a job here or there only to be quickly denied because I don't quite meet the qualifications or there are 500 other people out there with even more experience. I don't think my resume speaks for me. I don't think it shows what a hard worker I am, how I go above and beyond in my work, rarely miss work save for a few vacations a year and once in awhile a sick day, and still manage to be a wife and a mother. Or how even when I have a million and one things go on with my specific duties, I still manage to find time to help out my coworkers or contribute to various committees/projects around the office to make it a better place. Those things don't show on my resume, and I don't know how to make them.
So I'm stuck. I am hoping to at least get a promotion (which I deserved last year but wasn't given for no good reason) this year but it's still not enough. It's just a promotion of title change and maybe a little salary bump, but there is no future here. And yet I can't seem to get out and find something else either. So I feel like I'm trying with all of my might to claw on the sides of the hole and dig out, but every time I think I'm making progress, more dirt slides back in and keeps me buried where I am. I'm hopeful that one of these days someone will recognize the jewel that I am amongst the dirt and help to pull me out and give me another chance and let me be the person I know I can be. Until then, I guess I'll keep on treading and keep on pushing myself to find that light at the top of the hole.
2.25.2010
2.04.2010
Lost?
My husband and I LOVE the TV show "Lost." I actually think that my husband may go into a depression when it ends this May. ;) The interesting thing about that show is that it has so many different scenarios and "realities" for the characters. So you really can think through and see all of the different paths a person's life can take based on the various choices they make and the outside influences that guide them.
As you know, I've been thinking a lot lately about the direction I want to take with my work life. I love what I do but I always feel like there is the "now what" creeping in. In college, I minored in psychology. It was always something I was interested in, and I really enjoyed nearly all of my psychology classes and did well in them. I found it fascinating the different ways the mind worked and all of the conditions that can affect a person. I sort of blew it off though as a fun thing to minor in, but nothing more. However, lately I am beginning to wonder if I shouldn't have pursued that a little farther and become a licensed professional counselor or something like that. I love helping people which would be a great fit, and I think I have a natural ability for it and people seem drawn to tell me their issues already.
The complication is that that would mean a total career change (yet again). Plus a few years of schooling of which I don't know how we would pay the tuition on top of everything else. So I keep trying to push that idea out of my mind because it's not realistic. But what is? Is sitting around waiting for something to change in my current situation realistic?
We got a letter from the new pastor at the church where Cooper's school is. He is starting a new series this weekend about opening doors, and the letter really spoke to me. It talked about getting enough courage to try something that you've always wanted to do or to tell someone something you've been holding back. The 2nd doesn't apply to me, but the first really hit home and I sort of saw it as a sign. I am hoping we can go this Sunday and check it out and listen to what he says. Maybe it will give me some clarity. I had a dream last weekend that Austin told me that he had got a call from God. Ever since, I feel like He is trying to communicate with me somehow and if I could just get there to talk to Him, I would have some clarity.
2010 is one of those years where I just feel something big is going to happen. I don't know what that is yet or what direction it may take me, but I'm ready. I love my life and my family and I'm so thankful for all that we have. I am just ready to take that next step, whatever it is, in my life and career. So even though I feel a little lost sometimes lately, I'm hoping that, like the show, this period of time will soon be over.
As you know, I've been thinking a lot lately about the direction I want to take with my work life. I love what I do but I always feel like there is the "now what" creeping in. In college, I minored in psychology. It was always something I was interested in, and I really enjoyed nearly all of my psychology classes and did well in them. I found it fascinating the different ways the mind worked and all of the conditions that can affect a person. I sort of blew it off though as a fun thing to minor in, but nothing more. However, lately I am beginning to wonder if I shouldn't have pursued that a little farther and become a licensed professional counselor or something like that. I love helping people which would be a great fit, and I think I have a natural ability for it and people seem drawn to tell me their issues already.
The complication is that that would mean a total career change (yet again). Plus a few years of schooling of which I don't know how we would pay the tuition on top of everything else. So I keep trying to push that idea out of my mind because it's not realistic. But what is? Is sitting around waiting for something to change in my current situation realistic?
We got a letter from the new pastor at the church where Cooper's school is. He is starting a new series this weekend about opening doors, and the letter really spoke to me. It talked about getting enough courage to try something that you've always wanted to do or to tell someone something you've been holding back. The 2nd doesn't apply to me, but the first really hit home and I sort of saw it as a sign. I am hoping we can go this Sunday and check it out and listen to what he says. Maybe it will give me some clarity. I had a dream last weekend that Austin told me that he had got a call from God. Ever since, I feel like He is trying to communicate with me somehow and if I could just get there to talk to Him, I would have some clarity.
2010 is one of those years where I just feel something big is going to happen. I don't know what that is yet or what direction it may take me, but I'm ready. I love my life and my family and I'm so thankful for all that we have. I am just ready to take that next step, whatever it is, in my life and career. So even though I feel a little lost sometimes lately, I'm hoping that, like the show, this period of time will soon be over.
1.27.2010
Planning!
I am a planner - love it! I love nothing more than getting my brand new calendar for the year (or in the case of the one that I keep in my purse the school year) and filling it out with birthdays and other yearly events and then anything else I know already that is coming up ahead. It is silly and I'm sure other people dread it, but I am a planner and I'm proud of it! ;) So lately, I've been trying to plan ahead for some upcoming events.
One of these is my son's 4th birthday. Saying four just seems so very old - I can hardly believe that my little baby boy is going to four this year! But he is and there needs to be a party and this is the first year that I feel like we can't do the lame adult party at our house for him and that he needs to have some friends from school and have a "real" birthday party. So I go about looking at all of the options in the area to have a birthday party for little kids, and now I feel like the cheapest mom there is. Because the place where the other kids had their party (a local jumping party place) is $180-$250 for a party which just seems ridiculous to me for a four year olds birthday especially when I have no idea how many children will actually show. We need to invite everyone in his class which is fine (11 with my son) plus 1-3 other family/friend kids. But it is the Saturday before the local spring break so I am not sure what attendance will be like. And to pay $200+ for 5 kids to show is ridiculous (in my opinion). I want Cooper to have a WONDERFUL birthday party, but I also don't want to spend a fortune on something like that because I want to be able to get him gifts too! So frustrating!
In addition, I was going to plan a friend's baby shower and another friend's wedding shower. I think we are figuring out the wedding shower situation (she originally gave us a date 3 weeks away!), but the baby shower is a totally different story altogether. I guess I was late in asking about it because I was debating whether I wanted to be involved in hosting (just hosted 2 wedding showers for this same person not even a year ago!), so there were two other women that also offered to host. I would make a third which would be great to help split cost and burden. The one other woman is also one I worked with on one of the wedding showers so no problems there - the other is someone I don't really know. I have known my friend for nearly our entire lives (25.5 years and counting), and am obviously an important person in her life. However, the date she originally suggested is the same weekend I already booked flights to go see my grandmother (the first weekend I can really get away for a long weekend to see her when her health is failing). So we worked on another date and then the one woman e-mails the others, leaving me off, and basically says she can do either date but she prefers the date that I am gone so maybe that is better. Fine by me - one less thing I have to plan and although I'll be sad to miss it because she is my good friend, she and I can do something together later which will probably end up being more fun anyways. It's just the idea of squeezing me out that makes me hot.
On top of that, I'm trying really hard to find another avenue for me to get involved in life. I have been researching churches in the area to see if I can find a place that we would like to try out. Now I just have to convince my hubby to take the time to do it! It will take a few visits to a few different places, but it will be worth it if we find a good place and can meet good people from it. I've also looked at a few graduate programs, but that seems like such a scary venture to take on since it costs so much money. I need to figure out something though because I am not feeling 100% fulfilled in my current job and I don't see that changing any time soon. Plus we have reviews/raises coming up soon, and I have a feeling that there will be disappointment again this year from that as well as the potential move of our office location next year so that my commute would be even farther than it is now. These are all things that make the prospect of staying here in the same spot very scary. Of course considering another opportunity is even scarier! I have a feeling that 2010 is going to be a very interesting year for me as things play out in crazy ways.
I am sure I have thoroughly bored you by now (although I don't think I have any real readers anyways so I guess it doesn't matter!), so I will end my tirade of nothing. I wish this day would end...I'm over it! This has been a slow week - I wish the bad weather would come in tomorrow instead of Friday because I actually have stuff going on Friday (and DATE NIGHT WOOHOO) that I would like to do whereas tomorrow is much of nothing again. I can dream!
One of these is my son's 4th birthday. Saying four just seems so very old - I can hardly believe that my little baby boy is going to four this year! But he is and there needs to be a party and this is the first year that I feel like we can't do the lame adult party at our house for him and that he needs to have some friends from school and have a "real" birthday party. So I go about looking at all of the options in the area to have a birthday party for little kids, and now I feel like the cheapest mom there is. Because the place where the other kids had their party (a local jumping party place) is $180-$250 for a party which just seems ridiculous to me for a four year olds birthday especially when I have no idea how many children will actually show. We need to invite everyone in his class which is fine (11 with my son) plus 1-3 other family/friend kids. But it is the Saturday before the local spring break so I am not sure what attendance will be like. And to pay $200+ for 5 kids to show is ridiculous (in my opinion). I want Cooper to have a WONDERFUL birthday party, but I also don't want to spend a fortune on something like that because I want to be able to get him gifts too! So frustrating!
In addition, I was going to plan a friend's baby shower and another friend's wedding shower. I think we are figuring out the wedding shower situation (she originally gave us a date 3 weeks away!), but the baby shower is a totally different story altogether. I guess I was late in asking about it because I was debating whether I wanted to be involved in hosting (just hosted 2 wedding showers for this same person not even a year ago!), so there were two other women that also offered to host. I would make a third which would be great to help split cost and burden. The one other woman is also one I worked with on one of the wedding showers so no problems there - the other is someone I don't really know. I have known my friend for nearly our entire lives (25.5 years and counting), and am obviously an important person in her life. However, the date she originally suggested is the same weekend I already booked flights to go see my grandmother (the first weekend I can really get away for a long weekend to see her when her health is failing). So we worked on another date and then the one woman e-mails the others, leaving me off, and basically says she can do either date but she prefers the date that I am gone so maybe that is better. Fine by me - one less thing I have to plan and although I'll be sad to miss it because she is my good friend, she and I can do something together later which will probably end up being more fun anyways. It's just the idea of squeezing me out that makes me hot.
On top of that, I'm trying really hard to find another avenue for me to get involved in life. I have been researching churches in the area to see if I can find a place that we would like to try out. Now I just have to convince my hubby to take the time to do it! It will take a few visits to a few different places, but it will be worth it if we find a good place and can meet good people from it. I've also looked at a few graduate programs, but that seems like such a scary venture to take on since it costs so much money. I need to figure out something though because I am not feeling 100% fulfilled in my current job and I don't see that changing any time soon. Plus we have reviews/raises coming up soon, and I have a feeling that there will be disappointment again this year from that as well as the potential move of our office location next year so that my commute would be even farther than it is now. These are all things that make the prospect of staying here in the same spot very scary. Of course considering another opportunity is even scarier! I have a feeling that 2010 is going to be a very interesting year for me as things play out in crazy ways.
I am sure I have thoroughly bored you by now (although I don't think I have any real readers anyways so I guess it doesn't matter!), so I will end my tirade of nothing. I wish this day would end...I'm over it! This has been a slow week - I wish the bad weather would come in tomorrow instead of Friday because I actually have stuff going on Friday (and DATE NIGHT WOOHOO) that I would like to do whereas tomorrow is much of nothing again. I can dream!
1.19.2010
Inspiration
Wow, I just reread what I wrote on that last post. It makes me seem like a crazy person. And I sort of have been feeling like a crazy person lately due to the hormones I am taking to fight my "endometriosis." So I'm going off of them. It's not worth it to me to feel like that all of the time. I know there is the possibility that it might grow back or that it make it harder for us to get pregnant in the future. But like I said before, we aren't even sure how we feel about that topic so there's no point in making myself miserable in the meantime.
For those who don't know what endometriosis is, it basically means that the tissue that is supposed to grow inside of your uterus (and help if you were to conceive a child, etc.) decides to start growing in places it shouldn't be growing. In my case, that meant the outside of my uterine wall, my bladder, and a few other areas. I don't think it hit me originally what all of it meant, but now I know that like my hubby, I am going to be dealing with this in one form or another for the rest of my life (or at least a good portion of it). Which is why it was so incredibly frustrating to me when I was dealing with anxiety, mood swings, sleepless nights, cramping legs, memory issues, and all kinds of other lovely things. When I got all the way to my son's school this morning and THEN realized that I had forgot his backpack for school and had to turn around and do it all over again, I realized enough was enough. I talked to the doctor and we will just monitor things frequently to see how it is going and go from there. So I hope to be more human again in a few weeks once everything is back out of my system. ;)
Yesterday, I had the day off from work and while my son was taking a nap, I watched the movie "Julie & Julia." I found it quite fascinating, and as I sat there watching these two women's stories unfold, I was reminded of two main things. One was that I should blog more often (!) and the second had to do with inspiration. I want to inspire people, and I want to be inspired. I don't want to wake up and mechanically go through the day like one long episode of Groundhog's Day. It's not worth it. Sure, life can be monotonous at times, but it's all about what you make of it. So now I'm on a quest to find my inspiration (and hopefully to inspire others along the way). These two strong women portrayed in Julie & Julia each took a passion and made it happen - ha - and I hope to follow in their footsteps soon. I don't know where or how my life will unfold as a result, but I'm looking forward to seeing how the next year progresses. I am determined to have 2010 be an amazing year, and I already have many blessings to look forward to (Florida trip in March, beach trip in May, and hopefully cruisetour of Alaska in July). I am one lucky ducky!
Now if only I could get my attitude in check! :)
For those who don't know what endometriosis is, it basically means that the tissue that is supposed to grow inside of your uterus (and help if you were to conceive a child, etc.) decides to start growing in places it shouldn't be growing. In my case, that meant the outside of my uterine wall, my bladder, and a few other areas. I don't think it hit me originally what all of it meant, but now I know that like my hubby, I am going to be dealing with this in one form or another for the rest of my life (or at least a good portion of it). Which is why it was so incredibly frustrating to me when I was dealing with anxiety, mood swings, sleepless nights, cramping legs, memory issues, and all kinds of other lovely things. When I got all the way to my son's school this morning and THEN realized that I had forgot his backpack for school and had to turn around and do it all over again, I realized enough was enough. I talked to the doctor and we will just monitor things frequently to see how it is going and go from there. So I hope to be more human again in a few weeks once everything is back out of my system. ;)
Yesterday, I had the day off from work and while my son was taking a nap, I watched the movie "Julie & Julia." I found it quite fascinating, and as I sat there watching these two women's stories unfold, I was reminded of two main things. One was that I should blog more often (!) and the second had to do with inspiration. I want to inspire people, and I want to be inspired. I don't want to wake up and mechanically go through the day like one long episode of Groundhog's Day. It's not worth it. Sure, life can be monotonous at times, but it's all about what you make of it. So now I'm on a quest to find my inspiration (and hopefully to inspire others along the way). These two strong women portrayed in Julie & Julia each took a passion and made it happen - ha - and I hope to follow in their footsteps soon. I don't know where or how my life will unfold as a result, but I'm looking forward to seeing how the next year progresses. I am determined to have 2010 be an amazing year, and I already have many blessings to look forward to (Florida trip in March, beach trip in May, and hopefully cruisetour of Alaska in July). I am one lucky ducky!
Now if only I could get my attitude in check! :)
1.03.2010
Stuck
I'm pissed today. I'm angry, I'm upset, and I'm generally frustrated. I feel like I can't get ANYTHING done. It's like no matter which way I turn I keep hitting a roadblock. I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I don't want to go back to dealing with the day-to-day boring b.s. from my job or my boss or anything else. I want to get sleep, I want to enjoy life, I want to be happy. I am trying but it's not working. I'm just not happy.
I can't get things done - I wanted to load the pictures from Christmas, but the stupid card reader isn't working now and I can't find the cord that connects the camera directly to the computer. It is SO frustrating. Since I can't do that, I also can't post the furniture online to see if we could sell it to get a little money towards our new furniture set. I understand it's good to get new stuff and it is very nice, but it is rushed and we don't have time to get our carpets cleaned and get everything painted before it come so now that won't get done either. And I just went through all of my summer/winter clothes and changed them out and now I'll have to take it all out again to put in the new furniture. I need to get rid of the old loveseat and the full bedroom set. But I don't know how or where to do it and my husband is not being helpful about it at all. He says he has never sold anything like that before so he doesn't know - well I haven't either so move on and help me figure it out. I want the Christmas stuff out of the house and while we've made progress on this front, we still haven't completed it. It's like we start something but never manage to get it DONE. Our garage is a mess. Our closet is a mess. Our bedroom is a mess (although getting somewhat better). And don't even get me started on our guest room! I hope no one asks unexpectedly to stay the night because they'll be sleeping on the couch. It is ridiculous! I hate living like this.
I haven't showered but I need to but I don't want to shower until I know I'm not going out or doing anything else. But right now the whole world must stand still for 3 hours while we watch the Cowboy game. I hate having a 3 hour stop in the middle of the day. I wish I could get something done other than stare at the TV screen. Maybe I will read - it seems to be a better distraction at least than this.
I want to work out but I can't because I get tired and I get upset and I get lazy. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am starting to lose motivation and all I have left is frustration. It sucks...I will talk to Dr. Fred about it tomorrow I guess because it doesn't feel right and maybe there is something I can do to fix it. I hate this. I want to be happy again. I want to enjoy my life not be pissed about it.
I can't get things done - I wanted to load the pictures from Christmas, but the stupid card reader isn't working now and I can't find the cord that connects the camera directly to the computer. It is SO frustrating. Since I can't do that, I also can't post the furniture online to see if we could sell it to get a little money towards our new furniture set. I understand it's good to get new stuff and it is very nice, but it is rushed and we don't have time to get our carpets cleaned and get everything painted before it come so now that won't get done either. And I just went through all of my summer/winter clothes and changed them out and now I'll have to take it all out again to put in the new furniture. I need to get rid of the old loveseat and the full bedroom set. But I don't know how or where to do it and my husband is not being helpful about it at all. He says he has never sold anything like that before so he doesn't know - well I haven't either so move on and help me figure it out. I want the Christmas stuff out of the house and while we've made progress on this front, we still haven't completed it. It's like we start something but never manage to get it DONE. Our garage is a mess. Our closet is a mess. Our bedroom is a mess (although getting somewhat better). And don't even get me started on our guest room! I hope no one asks unexpectedly to stay the night because they'll be sleeping on the couch. It is ridiculous! I hate living like this.
I haven't showered but I need to but I don't want to shower until I know I'm not going out or doing anything else. But right now the whole world must stand still for 3 hours while we watch the Cowboy game. I hate having a 3 hour stop in the middle of the day. I wish I could get something done other than stare at the TV screen. Maybe I will read - it seems to be a better distraction at least than this.
I want to work out but I can't because I get tired and I get upset and I get lazy. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am starting to lose motivation and all I have left is frustration. It sucks...I will talk to Dr. Fred about it tomorrow I guess because it doesn't feel right and maybe there is something I can do to fix it. I hate this. I want to be happy again. I want to enjoy my life not be pissed about it.
12.30.2009
The new year is coming
I pretty much abandoned this blog, but I feel the need to write lately so I think I will start it up once again. I'm not much of a journal writer, plus then it can be sitting around where someone can see and this I can keep private if I want to. But I feel like writing my thoughts down at least get them out of my head and onto the screen so I can digest them and hopefully move on. I don't like having things running around in my head 24-7 as it makes me negative and gives me problems sleeping. So here I am typing away to see if I can clear my head again and maybe get to a point where I do this more regularly for my sanity! :)
As 2009 closes tomorrow evening, I look back at what a year it has been. I am so very thankful for the many blessings we have had - two stable jobs, relatively good health, a beautiful and loving child, a nice home and cars, etc. We have been able to patch the relationship with my parents which is nice and seems to be headed in the right direction, and we are getting better about taking more time to focus on my husband and me (although we could still use some improvement in this area). We have been through a lot of hardships this year too and have come through pretty well if I do say so myself.
Both I and Hubby have been through some interesting situations at work this year. Hubby's will hopefully resolve itself now that his father is president and we shall see which direction he will head. There is a chance he may move over to sales which I think he would actually enjoy, but in order to do that, I would definitely have to switch my work because I will not have two traveling parents for our son - that's just not right and not fair! When I think about changing jobs or companies, there is a lot that I would miss about my current job/situation. But there is also a lot of room for improvement so if I was lucky enough to find the right situation, it may help. There are always the conflicts between what I love and what makes money, but I think everyone has that issue and even Hubby has dealt with that and sacrificed his wishes for what is best for our family. I can always do the flower/cake/event thing on the side! :) We shall see what 2010 brings in this area for me. There could be changes at my current job (interested to see what if anything is done with my boss and the "career path" they are supposedly creating) or I may end up finding something great and moving on. It's scary to think about but since I don't have that option yet, I'm trying to stay positive about my current role and try to enjoy life as best as I can. It is hard when I feel like I'm living Groundhog Day and treading water, but something has to give eventually - I just don't know yet what path God has in store for me next. I'm trying to be patient to see as He has provided me a great path for the past few years and for that I'm very thankful.
I ended up having surgery two weeks ago since those pesky cysts wouldn't go away on their own. And I'm going to have to take hormones again despite my desire to do so to keep the endometriosis I now have in check. I don't mind it but it's annoying as I don't enjoy putting that stuff in my body. But I would rather do that than have to have surgery every few years or worry about it destroying my insides. I'm still not sure what I want to do about the second kid thing. Austin I think is wanting to have one, but I'm just not sure. Yes, I love playing with our "nephew" or other babies, but it's nice to hand them back and have my cuddly bug to myself. I can't imagine what it would be like for our son to have to share us and I would never want to do to him what so many parents do to their children once a sibling is in the picture. It's a tough call but we are going to have to figure it out soon. It's yet another wrench in my "what next" picture as it could likely affect my career/work situation as well and the cost of two children in daycare/school is atrocious. We'll see!
Other than that, I guess that's all I need to get out for now. I know that I would never want to be a stay-at-home mom because I've actually been kind of "bored" these last two weeks being home from work. I just know I need some sort of change - something to challenge me, something for me to look forward to - because I'm just getting blah about life and I hate that. I'm not that type of person and don't want to become that type of person ever. So something, somehow, has to change - just need to figure out what that is.
I will stop blathering on for now - off to read what I hope will be a good book!
As 2009 closes tomorrow evening, I look back at what a year it has been. I am so very thankful for the many blessings we have had - two stable jobs, relatively good health, a beautiful and loving child, a nice home and cars, etc. We have been able to patch the relationship with my parents which is nice and seems to be headed in the right direction, and we are getting better about taking more time to focus on my husband and me (although we could still use some improvement in this area). We have been through a lot of hardships this year too and have come through pretty well if I do say so myself.
Both I and Hubby have been through some interesting situations at work this year. Hubby's will hopefully resolve itself now that his father is president and we shall see which direction he will head. There is a chance he may move over to sales which I think he would actually enjoy, but in order to do that, I would definitely have to switch my work because I will not have two traveling parents for our son - that's just not right and not fair! When I think about changing jobs or companies, there is a lot that I would miss about my current job/situation. But there is also a lot of room for improvement so if I was lucky enough to find the right situation, it may help. There are always the conflicts between what I love and what makes money, but I think everyone has that issue and even Hubby has dealt with that and sacrificed his wishes for what is best for our family. I can always do the flower/cake/event thing on the side! :) We shall see what 2010 brings in this area for me. There could be changes at my current job (interested to see what if anything is done with my boss and the "career path" they are supposedly creating) or I may end up finding something great and moving on. It's scary to think about but since I don't have that option yet, I'm trying to stay positive about my current role and try to enjoy life as best as I can. It is hard when I feel like I'm living Groundhog Day and treading water, but something has to give eventually - I just don't know yet what path God has in store for me next. I'm trying to be patient to see as He has provided me a great path for the past few years and for that I'm very thankful.
I ended up having surgery two weeks ago since those pesky cysts wouldn't go away on their own. And I'm going to have to take hormones again despite my desire to do so to keep the endometriosis I now have in check. I don't mind it but it's annoying as I don't enjoy putting that stuff in my body. But I would rather do that than have to have surgery every few years or worry about it destroying my insides. I'm still not sure what I want to do about the second kid thing. Austin I think is wanting to have one, but I'm just not sure. Yes, I love playing with our "nephew" or other babies, but it's nice to hand them back and have my cuddly bug to myself. I can't imagine what it would be like for our son to have to share us and I would never want to do to him what so many parents do to their children once a sibling is in the picture. It's a tough call but we are going to have to figure it out soon. It's yet another wrench in my "what next" picture as it could likely affect my career/work situation as well and the cost of two children in daycare/school is atrocious. We'll see!
Other than that, I guess that's all I need to get out for now. I know that I would never want to be a stay-at-home mom because I've actually been kind of "bored" these last two weeks being home from work. I just know I need some sort of change - something to challenge me, something for me to look forward to - because I'm just getting blah about life and I hate that. I'm not that type of person and don't want to become that type of person ever. So something, somehow, has to change - just need to figure out what that is.
I will stop blathering on for now - off to read what I hope will be a good book!
8.27.2009
It's Been Awhile....
I haven't posted in awhile. Mainly because I got busy with work during the summer and also because I am trying to be more positive in an increasingly negative situation. It's just too hard though, and I'm trying to make sense of all that is going on around me and be thankful for what I have. We may not make the money we want or have the best jobs that we think we should, but we have a great family and house and everything else. And we are healthy and happy for the most part.
But things aren't perfect by any means. They obviously could be worse, way worse, but they could also be better. I'm waiting for the time when we get to celebrate something exciting again. I am hopeful to find a shift in my career so that I can have a more sustainable and manageable schedule and spend more time with my family and doing things that I like to do (like dance which started last night without me!). :( I am hoping that the cysts that are randomly now growing in my ovaries go away so I don't have to worry about that on top of everything else.
I feel weird about it but good because last night I applied for another job. A job I probably won't get or even here from, but I would love to. It is for a local school district for the Assistant Director of Marketing & Communications. It would combine my education background, my TV background, and my marketing/recruiting background. It would be a dream job. The pay is not super high, but it is higher than I am making now and it would be normal hours, no travel, no nights and weekends, and best of all summers off! You can't get any better than that. It has been posted for a month though so they may have already found someone or at least be in final rounds or something. But it was worth a try and I hope that I will hear something soon. It would be a nice distraction and the best part is that it is MY choice. It is my choice if asked to interview if I go, it is my choice if offered the position if I take it or not, it's up to me (well not the part of the actual phone call and whether they offer or not but you know what I mean).
Ideally, if not before, I would like to find something great by the new year. Start 2010 off with a new attitude and a new possibility! I am just feeling so unmotivated and unchallenged lately. I feel like I am being suppressed and there is no good reason for that. So I'm looking forward to see what the future brings, and hope I can stay sane and manage through until I am blessed to get to that point.
But things aren't perfect by any means. They obviously could be worse, way worse, but they could also be better. I'm waiting for the time when we get to celebrate something exciting again. I am hopeful to find a shift in my career so that I can have a more sustainable and manageable schedule and spend more time with my family and doing things that I like to do (like dance which started last night without me!). :( I am hoping that the cysts that are randomly now growing in my ovaries go away so I don't have to worry about that on top of everything else.
I feel weird about it but good because last night I applied for another job. A job I probably won't get or even here from, but I would love to. It is for a local school district for the Assistant Director of Marketing & Communications. It would combine my education background, my TV background, and my marketing/recruiting background. It would be a dream job. The pay is not super high, but it is higher than I am making now and it would be normal hours, no travel, no nights and weekends, and best of all summers off! You can't get any better than that. It has been posted for a month though so they may have already found someone or at least be in final rounds or something. But it was worth a try and I hope that I will hear something soon. It would be a nice distraction and the best part is that it is MY choice. It is my choice if asked to interview if I go, it is my choice if offered the position if I take it or not, it's up to me (well not the part of the actual phone call and whether they offer or not but you know what I mean).
Ideally, if not before, I would like to find something great by the new year. Start 2010 off with a new attitude and a new possibility! I am just feeling so unmotivated and unchallenged lately. I feel like I am being suppressed and there is no good reason for that. So I'm looking forward to see what the future brings, and hope I can stay sane and manage through until I am blessed to get to that point.
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