Hurt

I try not to let myself get hurt by things people say. But I am a Cancer and I'm sensitive to others at times. I try to have a tough shell and try to be tough, but on the inside, there are things that really hurt me. Right now, I have several things that are hurting my heart. The good thing is that I'm able to deal with them and write about them and go through the emotions (my drive home in traffic seems to be a great place for me to release my emotions!) so I can get home and be loving and happy with my son and husband.

The first thing that is hurting me now is the situation with my parents. Even though it is by my choice that I am not speaking to them right now, it still really hurts that it has come to this. I don't understand why I am the one that has to have parents that treat me the way they do - why can't I have a normal relationship with my parents so that I can look forward to spending time with them occasionally? Why is it so difficult always with them and why does it never change no matter how hard I try?

Secondly, I am hurt because I want more out of my career and want to give more money to my family so we don't have to stress about money or daycare or going on a trip or anything else. I think the biggest frustration with this is that I don't know where to go from here and hope that someone will help me figure that process out.

I am hurt by my husband's family and this whole situation with the cruise. How do they think it's okay to send us pictures and call and tell us how much fun they are having when we weren't invited to go and are having to go without sleep and working all hours and sitting in crazy traffic and everything else trying to make this week work? It's like they just aren't thinking because I would hope they aren't trying to hurt us. But it does still hurt and it hurts more how it affects my husband and he therefore is grumpy with me and our son.

Lastly, there was a very specific incident yesterday that hurt me. I'm trying to get over it, but I hate that it makes me question myself and qualities that I think are good qualities of myself. My boss is great for the most part and I really like her as a person. But she has a tendency to say some odd things sometimes and they are hurtful. I don't know if it is because she is kind of conservative and old-school in her thinking about things or what the issue is. But it sucks because those types of things don't help boost my morale towards my job in a time where I'm struggling, feeling like the glass ceiling is pushing me down further and further.

Anyways, I was in a team meeting with her, my coworker, and myself yesterday and we were talking about an aspect of our job for the fall. I was giving an update on the status of the fall events and simply asked if when everything was set, she and I could sit down and try to figure who would be going to which events. I only ask this because 1) I like to plan ahead and two months in advance for travel isn't that far ahead, 2) I like to book ahead to get the flight times/hotels that I want for a good price, 3) I have a family and it is necessary for them to know when I'm going to be around or not for transportation to/from school and our own family plans, and 4) I like to take a dance class at a local community college and want to know if I will even be around much for it in the fall or if I should save my money and just wait until the spring again. Her response to my simple question (I promise I said it totally innocently) was "I'm not a planner LIKE YOU, and you aren't going to make me LIKE YOU, and that's probably a GOOD THING." I think she realized what she said was harsh because she added a few seconds later "so we can have balance" but it was too late at that point. She had already made me feel like a bad person for wanting to plan ahead.

I'm sorry but that is part of my job and there is nothing wrong with planning ahead and being organized. I'm not forcing her to be like me in the slightest, but I don't think it's too much to ask to find out in advance when I'm going to be traveling several days a week for nearly every week for the months of September and October. I like to have a life OUTSIDE of work too and like to plan those things in advance too based on when I'm going to be where. Additionally, I have friends near some of the cities we go to and would like to leverage my work visits when I can to have friend visits as well. If she has a problem with it (she never has in the past), then she shouldn't be doing our job because it is all about PLANNING. It makes me sad and mad all at the same time. I'm not a bad person and I don't like feeling like I am for no reason whatsoever. Even my coworker said something to me afterwards about how she was shocked that our boss had said that. It was hurtful and I'm not quite over it. I had one crying car ride home yesterday, hopefully today I can avoid that, and save my tears for sappy TV like Grey's Anatomy or something - ha!

Thanks for listening to my rent about how hurt I am. I know I shouldn't complain because my life could be so much worse in so many ways, but I'm just struggling right now to make sense of everything going on and trying to keep my head up when I really don't feel like it. I hope to be more positive again soon, and hope to develop tougher skin than what I've already had to develop from years of torture from my parents. I'll get there one day and look back at all of this and laugh!

Back to School?

For awhile now, I have really felt a strong desire to challenge myself further in life and my career. I have especially become interested in a Masters in Management degree since I feel like it will help sharpen my business skills, introduce me to more specific marketing skills, and still open doors for HR type positions as well. Plus I found out that my company does tuition reimbursement up to a certain amount, so I'm seriously considering taking them up on that option and getting a Masters degree. I figure if they aren't going to help me further my career within the company, I might as well get them to help me further my career somewhere else.

So I've been looking around at online degree options since I don't think I would have time between work and family to actually attend classrooms once or twice a week. I have found two programs that seem fairly good - one at Dallas Baptist and one at Indiana Wesleyan. I also had found a program through Texas A&M-Commerce, but after reading rankings and things, I think it might be a waste to complete my education there since it is a Tier 4 school whereas the others are both Tier 1 schools.

My biggest hesitation now is trying to figure out whether it's worth the time/money. I don't know enough about what I could possibly do with my skills to know whether or not it will make a difference. I also don't know if I have the additional money to cover the tuition plus books and fees. It is something I need to do further research on and the sooner the better if I want to start in the fall. So for now, I have just requested information on the programs and am looking into possible options.

I just feel like I need something to challenge myself. I'm frustrated by doing nothing yet don't really know what to do. I am usually a happy person for the most part, but right now I'm having trouble focusing on happiness because so many balls seem up in the air and I'm confused about where to go next. I know I will figure it out soon enough, but it's frustrating in the meantime while I try to make sense of all that is going on in my world! At least I'm thankful to have a loving husband (even though he is grumpy a lot lately too!) and a cutie little boy.

I feel like a cheater

I don't know why but I feel like I have cheated. Don't worry, it's not the kind of cheating you think. I just feel like I have cheated on my work. Because the thought has even come across my mind of moving to another job or another company. I shouldn't have to feel like a cheater because I am not. I would be very loyal to this company if they would let me. I have had four good years here and would like to have more. But I can't sit by and not make more money and not be given opportunities.

So this weekend, I put my resume together. I wanted to have it "on file" just in case of emergency. After a weird conversation last week with someone from one of our other offices, my defenses are up, and I definitely don't want to be left high and dry. I'm not specifically looking right now - I just want to make sure I am prepared. In case something amazing comes along...or in case I really need it because I've been laid off or something crazy. I want the best and I deserve the best and I work too hard to not have it.

Right now is NOT a good time to be looking for a new position. The thought of having to drive farther or deal with downtown parking or balancing my dance class or anything else is scary. I like the people I work with here. I like meeting new people through my job. I like knowing relatively what my schedule will look like ahead of time. I like getting to travel a little bit even though it is hard on my son and husband. I like leading the book club at work and being able to share my thoughts and opinions on things. I like being looked up to as someone with experience here, someone that knows what they are doing and should be taken seriously. But I want more and the changes I see coming back at me are scary. I can only hope and pray that God has a plan for me and will make it known so He can guide me.

I sent my resume to one job but now the salary is different than what was posted and I am not moving unless the salary is higher and the benefits are the same. Because I definitely have AMAZING medical benefits here and vacation and all of that. I can't complain about any of those things by any means. So I don't know if I will even bother going to meet with the recruiter that posted the position because I'm not all that thrilled by it. It is for a law firm and I left law firms for a reason. I don't need to jump ship. I can wait for something I REALLY want to do. Heck, maybe I'll open my own business one of these days and pursue my passion for event planning. I already have a DJ, graphic designer, and photographer at my disposal. Maybe one day....

But for now at least I have that document saved at home in case I need it! ;)

Feeling Left Out

My weekend was pretty good although incredibly short. We spent most of Saturday traveling and being in podunk-town for my brother-in-law's college graduation. There is no way I could have spent 5 years in that town (yes, he took a victory lap) for college - let alone grow up there. And now he's trying to convince his parents to take two-three more years there to pursue a master's degree. Yikes! At least the food was good and I found some yummy sweet tea in the convenience store there for the ride home. ;)

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I was thankful to have some time to relax and spend it with my two favorite boys. My husband and son got an appointment for my hubby and I to go get a couples massage next Sunday afternoon (yippee!) and they took me out to one of my favorite restaurants for dinner last night. My in-laws gave me a gift certificate for a facial too so I have that to look forward to whenever I have a chance to book it one of these days. However, my in-laws did something to us yesterday that made me really upset. It made me upset for myself because it was Mother's Day and it clouded my day a little bit, but it made me really upset for my husband and son since it hurts them the most.

My in-laws have always and will always baby my brother-in-law to the point of ridiculousness. He gets whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and no matter what he does wrong or how goofy he acts, they support him 100% and continue to give him everything he wants and more. So his stupid "girlfriend" (they aren't even officially "dating" - don't get me started on that topic) and her family were going to go on a cruise to the Bahamas and the Keys this week and invited my brother-in-law to go along. The next thing we know, my father-in-law and mother-in-law were going as well, but they told us it was only because it was a "free trip" so why not? I agree if someone is going to pay for a nice trip like that for you, you might as well go even though it is kind of an awkward situation because they aren't even really dating and they have only met the other parents one time before at dinner.

Anyways, we were a little hurt that we weren't invited since the rest of the family was going, but we were over it. Until yesterday morning when we had to go over to the in-laws house and watch as the in-laws (father, mother, brother) and the "girlfriend" packed up their stuff for a week of vacation while we had to think about going to work and balancing our work schedules this week to drop off/pick up Cooper from school (my mother-in-law usually does this). It was a bit of a slap in the face as we didn't understand why we had to be sitting there while they were trying to figure out what cameras to take and how to pack their luggage and all of this. We are used to being left out because they do that often, and we thought that it was the "girlfriend's" family's trip so that might be why we weren't even asked to go. As much as we would like to, right now we just can't afford to take another trip like that unless someone offered to pay for it so we understood. Until watching it all happen before our eyes and then finding out that they had misrepresented the situation and that my in-laws were in fact paying for themselves to go.

We are all scheduled to go on a family trip to a local beach area that we go to every year during the first week of August, but were told that this year we would have to cook in a lot and everything to save money. Which we were understanding of...until we realized that they are going off and dropping money on this luxurious vacation that we weren't even invited to but then we are the ones that don't get that treatment even once this year. I shouldn't complain because I know there are a million people who can't take a vacation at all and I'm grateful that we will be able to do what we can. But still....it's kind of mind-blowing to think of the unfair treatment we are all receiving compared to my brother-in-law who can barely keep his head out of his a$s long enough to attend graduation! And my poor son spent most of yesterday and even this morning asking when we could go to the beach since his stupid uncle decided to talk about going to the beach right in front of him yesterday. So annoying!