Hair change?

I am contemplating a hair change.  Not super drastic and I've had a similar cut in the past, but it's still different than what I've been wearing lately.  I have a tendency to pull my hair back into a pony tail which is dumb and doesn't really look all that great.  But I don't know what else to do with it so it's easy.  So I'm thinking of cutting it to a medium bob.  See these photos for examples of what I am wanting:

It will never look as good as it does on those two beautiful women, but I think it will be better than what I have going now and hopefully make me feel and look younger and sexier!  Ha!  :) 

Here's a picture of pretty much how it looks currently (maybe slightly shorter on the longest layer) although usually up in a stupid ponytail or half ponytail:

So what do you all think?!  :)

Motivation

Since my surgery in January, I have really needed the motivation to work out since my stomach is all fluffy and poochy and not bathing suit ready.  It's tough because I had to take 6 weeks off post surgery and was busy with work, etc.  And then of course I ate and drank way more than usual on vacation last week (oops!) ;)  But I am trying to motivate myself to get active because it will help with my health, my confidence, and my looks. 

After reading a posting by Outside Oklahoma, I checked out the Couch to 5K training program online.  Now my hubby is obviously good at running and enjoys it.  He just finished his 3rd half-marathon this weekend and runs about 5 miles about 5 times a week.  I don't want to be like that nor do I think I will ever do a half marathon.  But a 5k is doable and would give me the start to run a bit each day.  Each session is only 20-30 minutes long which is definitely possible, so I started the first session of the first week this morning and I SURVIVED!  Hopefully, I can be like GFF and run my own 5K soon!  And if nothing else, it will give me some good workouts 3 days a week. 

I've also been doing videos with some friends at work 2 times per week.  We start around 5:30 in the big conference room in the back and work out for 30-60 minutes to a workout video.  It is pretty cool because we are accountable to each other to attend and also can b!tch and moan together while it is going on!  :)  I am definitely grateful for the friendships I have made here at work if for nothing else and they are additional motivation for me to get back in shape.  

Last week, I wore a 2 piece tankini bathing suit the whole week which didn't look terrible but it's old and not my favorite.  But I refuse to buy another tankini because I really want to fit back into my regular bikinis by swimsuit season.  So here's hoping this motivation for running and videos will help me make it!

I'm Back!

I can honestly say that this is the first trip in a REALLY long time where I actually enjoyed myself 100% and had a true vacation.  It was so wonderful not thinking about the bs of life on a daily basis.  I didn't worry about money or work or Cooper's school or any of the things that cause me stress on a daily basis.  I just enjoyed time with my two guys and my family and it was great.  We relaxed most days going shopping and then to the beach and pool, and the weather was awesome every day except for Friday which is pretty great!  I wish every vacation and day could be so carefree and fun. 

Of course, we got home on Saturday night and were slapped with reality on Sunday with cold, rainy weather, Austin injuring himself a bit (luckily just a minor sprain of his calf) on his half marathon, and the $$$!!! bill at the pet hotel from putting the dog up for the week we were gone.  Oh and then grocery bills at the store and Sam's...and now this morning back to the craziness that I call work. 

I tried not to think about work much while I was gone and it was nice as it has been consuming my life in many ways lately.  Of course, I have come right back to the time which will be rough as I will be likely getting my review and piddly raise sometime in the next two weeks.  Also, I'm just not sure what to do and I hate this helpless feeling.  I don't think I'm being treated fairly here and have no opportunities for advancement and have an annoying boss who doesn't care about my career at all and lets the whole office steamroll us without ever pushing back.  And yet I have some of the best benefits you can imagine with our insurance and vacation and things which will be hard to find somewhere else and are very important to our family with my hubby's Type 1 diabetes and my endometriosis.  It just sucks to be stuck.  I would be fine if there was something here that I can move into or some change I could consider, but as of right now, there is nothing.  So I either have to just deal or try to find something else which is equally as good and will probably take forever to find.  What a mess!  

The weather is kind of crappy here this week, but I'm looking forward to this weekend as I get to meet up with Allison & the Architect for dinner on Friday night and some other friends on Saturday night.  Lots of laundry to do too but it was worth it for the fun we had last week!  :)  

I need some motivation.  I wonder what classes I could take and get the company to cover this year!  :) 

It's Going to Be Okay

Update to my earlier post today - just got a call from my son's pediatrician and the xray was okay.  He does have a mild curve to the right but it is only 7 degrees which isn't bad (must be 15-30+ to be considered scoliosis), and hopefully we can just watch it once a year to make sure it doesn't get worse and hopefully as he grows again, it will get better.  I haven't been able to think of much of anything else the whole day, so I was relieved to get that call.  The pediatrician is going to talk to his orthopod friend just to make sure that he wouldn't recommend anything else, but I think we are out of the woods for now at least!  :)  Thank God for everything He does great and small - we needed this good news!

Fear

This morning I took our son to the pediatrician for his 5 year old checkup.  He was so excited to go because he knew he wouldn't need any shots and just was ready to be a big boy!  Everything was going smoothly until his doctor had him bend over and touch his toes and noticed a slight curve to his back.  He asked us to go over to the imaging center and get an xray of his spine just to check and make sure he didn't have scoliosis.  Scoliosis?  It hit me like a ton of bricks - how could he have scoliosis? 

He said it might just be the way his ribs grew to his spine or something and not to worry, but I am a mom and I'm worried.  We sat for an hour waiting for the 5 minute xray and it's done now and I'm at work but waiting waiting waiting for the doctor to call this afternoon to tell us the results.  Did I mention how much I hate waiting?!  They pulled the xray up to show our son and he was so excited to see his bones, and I did notice a slight curve when I looked at it but I don't know what to look for.  I called my dad who was a pediatrician for nearly 30 years and he said not to worry and that he would be surprised if he had it so young and even if he did, it was easily treatable at this age.  But I'm scared. 

We are so excited about his new school and him turning 5 and everything else and now one day later, I am worried about what will happen if he has to have surgery or wear a brace all the time or a number of things.  I'm praying and hoping that I am just worried for nothing and it is just something we can watch and that it will correct itself as he grows.  But I'm scared.  So I'm posting because I don't know what else to do and I don't want to start crying at my desk at work.  I know it will be okay.  I just need time to pass by more quickly!

In positive news, he is doing great otherwise - hearing and vision were great, he is 4 feet tall already(!), and very healthy.  We might take him to do a little speech therapy just to make sure he talks a little slower and more clearly (I think I talk pretty fast too so he probably imitates me!), but that's not a big deal at all and is more a preventative than a necessity.  I just hope that this xray business was just for nothing this morning too.  Please let us get good news this afternoon!

5 Years

Today is my little man's fifth birthday!  Where oh where has the time gone?  I know that before I know it another five or ten years will go by, but for now, I can barely believe he is already five.  I still remember preparing for his arrival, meeting him for the first time, bringing him home to meet his furry brother and sister, and all of the many memories from his first few months and years of life.  He has been a wonderful blessing to our family and has made me a better person just by being around him.  I may not be a perfect mother, but he loves me unconditionally and makes me feel good even when I'm feeling down.  He is the best, and he is growing up way too fast, but he will ALWAYS be my baby! 

Perspective

Yesterday morning, I woke up refreshed and decided I needed an attitude adjustment and that I just needed to let things take their course and that everything happens for a reason.  It isn't easy for me to do because I'm a PLANNER by nature, but I need to let go and let live and just do the best I can with what we have and be thankful for that. 

Yesterday around mid-day, I got an e-mail saying that our son had been approved for admission to our 1st choice elementary school.  This was such a relief!   We had really struggled about where to send him for kindergarten this fall because of money and multiple factors.  We really wanted to send him to private school, but we just can't afford it right now, so our plan was to find an alternative for elementary because we had more options for elementary, and then by the time he hits middle school, we will either hopefully make more money/save more money to send him for middle & high school and/or move to a better school district at those levels.

We did a lottery for a charter school in the area, but he was #3 on the waiting list and we haven't heard anything further.  Plus, I'm a little worried because it is located by my work which is convenient now, but if I ever change jobs or even if I stay, our office plans to move towards the downtown/uptown area by 2012 so it might be tough on all of us to have him have to commute as well.  So then we started looking at options in our school district.  The school we are directly assigned to is okay but its ratings have been slipping and I wanted to see what other options there might be.  I found out our school district allows you to apply for intradistrict transfers, so I chose the best school that was not too far from our house and applied.  And yesterday, I found out he got in!  I couldn't be happier, and he will now be a "Gator" for his mascot which makes me happy since I'm originally from Florida!  :)

So yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day and I know that He will provide for us when we need it - just need to keep myself more positive!  Of course this morning, I woke up to the news about the horrible earthquake and tsunamis and it gave me even more perspective.  I felt like a complete @$$ for complaining about my job.  Life sure has ways of reminding you to make the most of each day and don't taking anything for granted because it can change so quickly.  My thoughts and prayers go out to the people of Japan as well as those in Hawaii and the west coast although it seems like they have dodged a bullet some.  We will see still I guess! 

I am excited for the weekend because we have lots of fun activities planned to celebrate our son's 5th birthday on Monday and lots to do to get ready for our vacation in a week!  I can't wait to have some time off!  :)

I'm starting to think I just need to give up

I guess I really just need to stop complaining and give up caring.  Because that seems to be my only option left.  My parents, my in-laws, and even my husband think I need to be more "grateful" for the job I have and that I just need to stick it out.  It makes me want to scream!!!!  I didn't work my ass off in high school and college and for all of these years to just be grateful for the fact that I'm getting taken advantage of by my company and sit around treading water.  I can't even fathom sitting in this same spot for another 5 years.  Are you kidding me?!  Something has to give so I guess it's going to have to be me.

I'm just going to have to not care.  Come to work by 8:30 and leave at 5:30.  Anything that can't get done in those hours, I can't stress about.  If my performance/service isn't as good, so be it and I guess it doesn't really matter because even when I work my ass off it gets me nowhere.  It's a terrible attitude to have but I don't know what else to do.  I am STUCK because of benefits, because it's an otherwise good place to work (other than getting jipped on $$ and career path). 

We had a meeting yesterday saying that we will all likely get a 3% raise this year (our reviews are in the beginning of April).  3%?!  In 2009, we got 0% because of the economy, last year everyone else got 2% (when I got -5% due to losing my OT), and now this year 3%.  So not only will that not even cover the amount I LOST last year (so now I will make less in 2010 & 2011 than I did in 2008 & 2009 and no I didn't lose my job or get demoted - I actually got PROMOTED), but it also will probably not even cover the cost of living increases since the last time I got a raise in 2008 nor the enormous gas bill I now have every week from gas prices being through the roof.  Oh and let's not even get into the fact that I'm fairly certain they are going to move our freaking office even further away from where I live in the next year or so!!!!

But I should just be grateful.  I probably sound like a spoiled brat because I am grateful to have a job and to make money and to have stability.  But because I have those things, I should just lie down and sit in misery?  I don't work the hours I do, give up the time and travel away from my family and my son that I do, or give up my weekends during the summer that I do or even deal with the stress that I have to deal with in my job on a daily basis for NOTHING.  Oh and let's not even talk about the time I have given up on my VACATIONS, or when I was SICK, or even when I was on MEDICAL LEAVE, and I still had to work my ass off.  If I'm going to sacrifice, it needs to be for a reason.  A real promotion or extra money, not out of the goodness of my heart because I need to be grateful. 

So I guess I'm just going to give up and keep taking it up the tailpipe until I'm allowed to be ungrateful again!

Stuck

After reading GFF's post today, I was so happy for her that she has found her happy place.  And then I started about thinking about what would get me to find my happy place.  I feel like for the most part I try to be a happy person and appreciate the wonderful blessings we have in our life.  But I am often get bogged down in worry and defeat and end up feeling stuck.  It's a terrible feeling, one that I want out of my life forever, but that's just not realistic I guess.  Just ready for a shift to the more positive!

I've been thinking a lot lately about what to do with my career.  And I'm sure the few, if any, readers I have are tired of me talking about work.  But it's a place where I spend a TON of my time, and right now it's just not making me happy.  Don't get me wrong, there are some definite good things in my job - I enjoy what I actually do for the most part, just hate some of the circumstances that are involved with doing it.  However, when I think about what my other options are, I just can't move forward to see any.  Right now, I do campus recruiting - I had a few calls randomly this week about agency or high volume type recruiting, but I just really don't see myself being interested in that type of work. 

So now the question is: is that my only option if I stay in this field?   And if it is and it doesn't appeal to me, then what next?  It is so frustrating to be in these shoes.  I feel like here I am, almost 10 years after graduating from college (yikes!) and I still don't know what I want to do with my life.  I don't remember anyone telling me when I was younger how difficult it would be to manage my career.  I guess it would be easier if I knew I was passionate about a certain career - like if I wanted to be a doctor or lawyer or teacher.  But I guess I still don't really know what I want to do or be.  All I know is I can't imagine my life in this same spot for another 5 years, which is where I feel I will be stuck if I stay.  I wish there was a test you could take and it would help guide you.  I just have many interests and every time I think I find a path, there is a roadblock.  I just hope I can get unstuck soon....

I really need to get better about this blogging thing!

So I completed disappeared for about two months, but now I am back again and will try to blog more often.  I didn't get an iPhone yet (being kind of bratty about it because I heard the iPhone5 was coming out in June/July and I figured if I have waited this long, I can probably wait a few more months!), so still won't have tons of pictures but hopefully I can get better about plugging in the camera more often and posting. 

Updates:
1) My surgery went well.  It was way more painful than I remembered my c-section being (probably because this time they had to move things around in there and scrape things all up), but I survived and now almost 8 weeks afterwards, I'm starting to feel back to normal other than the flabbiness around the scar which I started working on yesterday with my workout routine.
2) January & February were pretty hellatious months for me for a number of reasons.  Mostly having to do with work but some other factors as well - Austin's aunt passed away from cancer in January which was sad, work was utterly crazy including the time I was SUPPOSED to be on medical leave so I never really felt like I got a break, and the weather here in early February made things even more complicated because despite school and work being closed, I had a TON to get done so didn't get to enjoy it much. 
3) I am SO thankful for the warmer, sunnier weather.  I have realized that the weather really does affect my mood at times and the combination of the freezing cold and all that was going on with my recovery and work and everything else just made me slightly out of it.  I'm glad to be feeling more normal again!  :)

The biggest thing that you can probably see throughout this post is that work is driving me nuts in all ways.  Not only did I have to work for half of my "medical leave" which really sucked, but I had to work like crazy helping out the other half of my team with their stuff and no one ever wants to help me.  I wouldn't mind but I was busy too and things just got crazy with having to plan things for two different cities/offices and people cancelling at the last minute and everything.  It's all over now and things should be slower for the next few months at least, but it was really just a very trying time. 

Additionally, this time of year is our review time, so that always makes things feel worse around here.  It seems like every year we hope that something will finally change and be better and yet it doesn't.  I feel very, very stuck in many ways because we have such good benefits here and those are very important to my family due to my hubby's type 1 diabetes and my endometriosis and our son.  Plus I make decent money so everyone just thinks I should stay here.  Which would be great and all if I could actually be recognized for all of the work I do and if I was actually making the kind of money that would justify me traveling as much as I do, spending as much time on my vacations/sick days/etc. on work as I do, and generally working my tail off.  But I'm DEFINITELY NOT and the money that they shorted me last year when they switched me from non-exempt to exempt is still probably not going to be made up this year according to a few people who are "in the know."  I makes me furious that my "raise" this year will still not even put me at the amount I made in 2008 & 2009 and that last year in 2010 when I was supposedly promoted as well, I made several thousand dollars LESS than those previous years.  How is that a promotion?! 

Additionally, there is nothing else for me here.  There is no career path, no opportunities for advancement, nothing more than continued hard work for middle pay.  And I think I'm better than that.  But the question is where would I go?  How would I find another place with just as good of benefits and more money and opportunity?  I'm sure they exist but where and how do you know?  I had no idea when I started here 5.5 years ago that I would reach my peak in salary 3 years after I came and then go downhill from there...this is just now how I envisioned my work life to be when I was younger and I just don't know what to do from here. 

Okay, guess I have rambled enough for now...just need to try to let some of this go.  But I will try to write more frequently now that things have slowed down a bit for work.  I'm looking forward to taking vacation in a few weeks - we are going to Hilton Head with my family for a week and I am hoping for nice weather so we can walk on the beach and just relax.  Now I just need to fnid a good book!  :)