Today

Today I found myself crying (not sobbing at least, just tears coming out occasionally) on an airplane.  Yet another week of travel for me.  Left this afternoon and then out of town in 2 different cities for work before coming home late Thursday evening.  My parents are flying through home on Thursday afternoon to pick up my son and take him to another city south of where we live for a long weekend so I won't even get to see him until my husband and I arrive there on Friday evening after driving after work.  I will be home for a few hours to shower, unpack and repack, and then take the dog to the pet hotel first thing Friday morning before a day in the office and then hopefully hit the road by 4 pm for a long weekend with my family until Tuesday.  I really need the break.  I am going to have to work some but hopefully not too much. 

And then I'm supposed to get on another plane next Tuesday to fly to a city on the East Coast for interviews.  But I haven't gotten any details yet still and it's less than a week away...and I'm starting to wonder if it's worth another night away from my family but then I remember that it is worth it if it's better than the situation I'm in now and hence the tears on the airplane today. 

I don't know if I was naive or sheltered by my parents or if times are just tougher these days than they normally are, but I guess I never realized how difficult it would be trying to be a working mom in my early 30s and trying to balance wanting a career with wanting time to my family and time for me.  The me time is out the window almost entirely (with the exception of a Zumba class I went to with a friend last weekend that benefitted breast cancer awareness and rocked!).  And therefore without any time for  me, I am not thrilled with how I look either - clothes don't fit as well as I'd like them too, I think I always look tired, my face is always breaking out from stress, and don't even get me started on my endometriosis issues and what happens with that when I'm under stress! 

The family time is pretty limited.  I work most evenings until at least 6 and by the time I drive home in traffic, I'm lucky to be home between 6:45 and 7.  Lately, I've been working until 7 and getting home around 7:30.  That's the days when I'm in town and then I have spent many weeks traveling 2-3 nights during the week which is really hard for all of us too.  Oh and then the work I usually have to do on the weekends as well. 

This morning my son was all grumpy and not wanting to get ready and just not acting himself.  And I knew it was because he knew I was leaving and was upset.  And that kills me (another reason for the tears on the plane today!).  We have been trying to live each moment to the fullest when we are together which has been great - got to celebrate our 7 year wedding anniversary this weekend and have been trying to do fun things with our son (pumpkin patch!, mini-golf, bowling) each weekend to spend some quality time together. 

However, I still feel very stuck.  I sort of feel like I'm inside this box and I'm not really sure how to get out.  I can't take another position because they don't have as good of benefits or the commute is even farther than the one I have now or it doesn't pay quite as much or some other host of things.  I can't stay in the one I'm in now because my boss drives me crazy, they hired the most idiotic person I've ever met to work with our team (not much help at all and a lot more work to "train" her), there is no career path, there is no real chance for raise, I'm traveling like crazy, they put undue stress on me 24-7, etc.  I can't adapt to a different field quite yet because I would probably need to get a masters to do that, but I don't have TIME for a masters degree when I am getting killed at work with travel and hours.  So every direction I look, the sides of the box are there and it's hard to figure out where to go next.

There is a light at the top of the box still and I focus on that.  I know that one day I will figure out a way out and it will be awesome.  I have a very tiny glimmer of hope tonight from a phone call I had with a coworker about a possible opportunity within my current company.  I don't have a lot of faith that it will work out because they can be so difficult sometimes PLUS I'm sure my boss will try to put the kibosh on it.  But I'm going to hold on to that glimmer of hope until it's put out and then I will find the next one. 

I just need to shed a few tears and to vent on here to make myself feel a little better and I will continue to keep the hope alive!  :)  Thanks for listening and hope to hear from you all soon!  :)  I miss my few commenters!