I'm in a rut - I'm in a hole. I don't know how to dig out. I am just stuck and can't see the light up above any more. There are great things in the hole with me - loving husband, adorable son, great house, cars, material things. But I want us to be on solid ground. I want us to have something to celebrate (other than the wonderful day-to-day of course that I'm very thankful for). My job is sucking the life out of me. It's not bad by any means, and I am grateful to have it and think that I work for a pretty good company in the grand scheme of things. But I'm in a rut.
I feel like I'm treading water for 4.5 years and somehow can't manage to make it to the side to get out and move on. I sometimes wonder if I will ever get out. I apply for a job here or there only to be quickly denied because I don't quite meet the qualifications or there are 500 other people out there with even more experience. I don't think my resume speaks for me. I don't think it shows what a hard worker I am, how I go above and beyond in my work, rarely miss work save for a few vacations a year and once in awhile a sick day, and still manage to be a wife and a mother. Or how even when I have a million and one things go on with my specific duties, I still manage to find time to help out my coworkers or contribute to various committees/projects around the office to make it a better place. Those things don't show on my resume, and I don't know how to make them.
So I'm stuck. I am hoping to at least get a promotion (which I deserved last year but wasn't given for no good reason) this year but it's still not enough. It's just a promotion of title change and maybe a little salary bump, but there is no future here. And yet I can't seem to get out and find something else either. So I feel like I'm trying with all of my might to claw on the sides of the hole and dig out, but every time I think I'm making progress, more dirt slides back in and keeps me buried where I am. I'm hopeful that one of these days someone will recognize the jewel that I am amongst the dirt and help to pull me out and give me another chance and let me be the person I know I can be. Until then, I guess I'll keep on treading and keep on pushing myself to find that light at the top of the hole.
2.25.2010
2.04.2010
Lost?
My husband and I LOVE the TV show "Lost." I actually think that my husband may go into a depression when it ends this May. ;) The interesting thing about that show is that it has so many different scenarios and "realities" for the characters. So you really can think through and see all of the different paths a person's life can take based on the various choices they make and the outside influences that guide them.
As you know, I've been thinking a lot lately about the direction I want to take with my work life. I love what I do but I always feel like there is the "now what" creeping in. In college, I minored in psychology. It was always something I was interested in, and I really enjoyed nearly all of my psychology classes and did well in them. I found it fascinating the different ways the mind worked and all of the conditions that can affect a person. I sort of blew it off though as a fun thing to minor in, but nothing more. However, lately I am beginning to wonder if I shouldn't have pursued that a little farther and become a licensed professional counselor or something like that. I love helping people which would be a great fit, and I think I have a natural ability for it and people seem drawn to tell me their issues already.
The complication is that that would mean a total career change (yet again). Plus a few years of schooling of which I don't know how we would pay the tuition on top of everything else. So I keep trying to push that idea out of my mind because it's not realistic. But what is? Is sitting around waiting for something to change in my current situation realistic?
We got a letter from the new pastor at the church where Cooper's school is. He is starting a new series this weekend about opening doors, and the letter really spoke to me. It talked about getting enough courage to try something that you've always wanted to do or to tell someone something you've been holding back. The 2nd doesn't apply to me, but the first really hit home and I sort of saw it as a sign. I am hoping we can go this Sunday and check it out and listen to what he says. Maybe it will give me some clarity. I had a dream last weekend that Austin told me that he had got a call from God. Ever since, I feel like He is trying to communicate with me somehow and if I could just get there to talk to Him, I would have some clarity.
2010 is one of those years where I just feel something big is going to happen. I don't know what that is yet or what direction it may take me, but I'm ready. I love my life and my family and I'm so thankful for all that we have. I am just ready to take that next step, whatever it is, in my life and career. So even though I feel a little lost sometimes lately, I'm hoping that, like the show, this period of time will soon be over.
As you know, I've been thinking a lot lately about the direction I want to take with my work life. I love what I do but I always feel like there is the "now what" creeping in. In college, I minored in psychology. It was always something I was interested in, and I really enjoyed nearly all of my psychology classes and did well in them. I found it fascinating the different ways the mind worked and all of the conditions that can affect a person. I sort of blew it off though as a fun thing to minor in, but nothing more. However, lately I am beginning to wonder if I shouldn't have pursued that a little farther and become a licensed professional counselor or something like that. I love helping people which would be a great fit, and I think I have a natural ability for it and people seem drawn to tell me their issues already.
The complication is that that would mean a total career change (yet again). Plus a few years of schooling of which I don't know how we would pay the tuition on top of everything else. So I keep trying to push that idea out of my mind because it's not realistic. But what is? Is sitting around waiting for something to change in my current situation realistic?
We got a letter from the new pastor at the church where Cooper's school is. He is starting a new series this weekend about opening doors, and the letter really spoke to me. It talked about getting enough courage to try something that you've always wanted to do or to tell someone something you've been holding back. The 2nd doesn't apply to me, but the first really hit home and I sort of saw it as a sign. I am hoping we can go this Sunday and check it out and listen to what he says. Maybe it will give me some clarity. I had a dream last weekend that Austin told me that he had got a call from God. Ever since, I feel like He is trying to communicate with me somehow and if I could just get there to talk to Him, I would have some clarity.
2010 is one of those years where I just feel something big is going to happen. I don't know what that is yet or what direction it may take me, but I'm ready. I love my life and my family and I'm so thankful for all that we have. I am just ready to take that next step, whatever it is, in my life and career. So even though I feel a little lost sometimes lately, I'm hoping that, like the show, this period of time will soon be over.
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