Tonight I went to see my counselor (I try to go once or twice a month). I started going to talk about the situation with my mom/parents, but lately we mostly talk about work with the exception of the few times after the Alaska debacle where we focused on my mom again! ;) Anyways, I was talking to her tonight and I realized that I'm in a really good place. Monday was rough, but Tuesday through Thursday was pretty good.
Tuesday evening, I got to meet the phenomenal Goldilocks for some after-work wine and sushi. We had the best time! This was the first time I had ever met in person someone whose blog I read (with the exception of people I actually know who also blog), and it was so cool. She is just as I imagined her when reading her blog - fun, smart, and she has a wonderful attitude on life. She wrote about this as well, but we talked and talked and talked like we had known each other forever, and then I looked down and realized it was 8 pm and I needed to get home to my boys. We definitely have to do it again soon, and she has inspired me to try to be more positive in my posting (although I will still need to occasionally vent!). ;)
This week wasn't particularly better in any other specific way, but I just feel like myself again. I feel more rested, I feel more confident at work because I'm kicking some serious butt if I do say so myself, I get to see my hubby and son every evening instead of traveling like a crazy woman, and life is feeling better. Now, I am hoping to get back into exercising soon because I know that will improve my mood and self-esteem more. I just ordered some Zumba DVDs after Girl From Florida inspired me. Maybe in the new year, I can take some in person classes too (I think the local community college may have some so maybe I can convince some people from work or friends to join me).
Until then, I'm just hoping that this good place will stick around for awhile! ;) I'm loving that "Dog Days Are Over" song by Florence and the Machine, so maybe that's what has made me feel better too. Gotta run for now, but wanted to post! Hopefully something more exciting again soon (need to be better about posting photos - need to figure out how!).
10.28.2010
10.24.2010
If Ever Hear that Sound Again It Will Be Too Soon
This week has been an interesting one for me. In many ways, it has been a great one - I finished my last trip of the season (thank God!), I have been kicking @$$ at work even though I'm totally overwhelmed nearly 99% of the time, and I think my interview went well on Wednesday (should hear something next week about the next round).
However, it's also been one of the weirdest weeks for me as well. There have been multiple times this week that I have tried to sit down and write this post, but it was too difficult to process and write so I have stopped. But I am ready now to talk about it and what better place than here.
Last Saturday morning at 2:30 am, I was awakened to the click sound my cell phone makes when I receive a text. I'm usually a pretty good sleeper, but I've always had this thing about my phone and any noises it makes wake me automatically in a panic that something is wrong. I have good reason for this because I'm luckily past the stage in my life that my phone rings in the middle of the night because some drunk friend is needing a ride or decides she/he wants to talk even though it's 2:30 am. So when my phone rings or I get a message in the middle of the night, it usually is because something is wrong, and that night was no exception.
In my half-awake state, I begrudgingly grabbed my phone which had slipped from my nightstand (silly cat!) and was hanging by the charging cord off the edge. I looked at it and sure enough there was a text message, but it was from my high school friend, Phil. I have known Phil since middle school when he started attending the private school I had attended my whole life and he and another guy and my best girlfriend were basically best friends throughout high school. Sure we went through ups and downs and Phil even had a crush on me at one point which was very difficult to deal with because I wasn't interested but I still wanted to be friends, but we all managed through. We had been through Phil's diagnosis of bipolar disorder in high school, the borderline emotional/mental abuse I suffered from my mother during high school, the death of our other friend's mom and the new stepmother, and much more. Even in college, we were still close, seeing each other whenever we could on breaks and visiting when we could - no matter how long we are away from each other, things seem like we never left. We grow older and yet things are the same. The guys were both in my wedding and helped me deal with the shock of having my best friend completely destroy our friendship for a multi-year period (luckily we are back in touch although things will never be quite the same) and our friendship could overcome pretty much everything no matter the distance.
That was until Phil was diagnosed with brain cancer when I was pregant with my son. At first Ryan and Phil didn't want to tell me because I was 8 months pregnant and they didn't want to upset me. But then they decided that I deserved to know and over several calls and lots of tears, I came to realize that one of my friends was dying from brain cancer. The prognosis wasn't good, but there were varying timelines of how long. And things changed. Phil started to deteriorate physically and mentally - sometimes were better than others. He would send me weird messages or call me and tell me strange things. One minute he would be happy and wanting to chat, and another he would call and be pissed off at me for some "memory" he thought he had in which I had done him wrong. It was so difficult, and I was afraid to see him by myself. I still am.
About 2 years ago now, we were home for Thanksgiving, and I agreed to go see him so he could meet my son and since my husband was with me and could help us if anything weird happened. We met him at Denny's or IHOP or something like that, and we talked for a few hours. I had a hard time looking at him because the steroids and medicines and things had made him look very differnt and when I looked down and just heard his voice, he was still the same Phil. Luckily, he was having a good day that day and was very nice to all of us and even got my son an early Christmas present. That's the last time I saw him though because even though I was in Boston where he was earlier this year, I couldn't go see him because I was there for work and couldn't bring myself to see him alone. So I didn't and we rarely talk, and I know it's wrong but I don't know what else to do.
So when I saw a text from him at 2:30 am last Saturday, I wasn't sure what it would be. It could be some random funny memory or something really mean. It could have been anything....what it was though was a text telling me that he was tired and he couldn't do it any more and that he loved us (he sent it to others as well) and that it was better this way, especially for him. I knew what it meant, and I had no idea what to do. He had recently moved back to Florida, but I didn't have his new address. I thought about texting him "Please don't. Where's your brother?" because I thought he lived with his brother (apparently they live nearby but not together), but I didn't. I just lay in bed staring at the ceiling and wondering what to do. I could have called the police but I had no idea where he lived or how to get them to him. I could have called him back, but I had no idea what I would say. I could have called our other friend, Ryan, but I didn't - I just lay there in bed and did nothing. It was stupid. But part of me thought about how I would feel if I was in his shoes, and while I don't believe in suicide, I also can't say how I would feel if I was living that life. I also didn't know if it was already too late. I just did nothing and it felt terrible and yet okay at the same time.
Eventually, I fell back to sleep and the next morning I started calling our friend, Ryan, multiple times trying to see if he knew what was going on. Luckily, he called me back and told me that Phil did try to commit suicide but luckily it was with pills and alcohol and that Ryan was up late from insomnia and got the text and called the police in the town that Phil is living in. He had his new address (had asked him the week or so before by the grace of God), and also had his brother's phone number and got him over there as well. They had gotten him to the hospital in time, pumped his stomach, and were waiting to see what was going to happen next.
I don't have any other updates and it weighs on my mind each day, but I already did nothing so I guess I can just continue that. I'm not normally a person who does nothing, but sometimes that's all that you can do. I just couldn't do any more than I already am, and unfortunately, this was the place that it manifested itself. I wish I could do more, but I can't. But I can write this now and I can talk about it, and I am thankful that Ryan could do what I couldn't. We'll see how things go from here, but I know that either way I don't have much more time with Phil. It does make me realize that I should cherish everyone though because you never know when something is going to happen. Natural or unnatural, people can be taken away from you at any time.
The first time I received a text after that night, I jumped and the anxiety about the situation came back. I have changed the sound my message makes on my phone, and I hope to never EVER hear that other sound again.
However, it's also been one of the weirdest weeks for me as well. There have been multiple times this week that I have tried to sit down and write this post, but it was too difficult to process and write so I have stopped. But I am ready now to talk about it and what better place than here.
Last Saturday morning at 2:30 am, I was awakened to the click sound my cell phone makes when I receive a text. I'm usually a pretty good sleeper, but I've always had this thing about my phone and any noises it makes wake me automatically in a panic that something is wrong. I have good reason for this because I'm luckily past the stage in my life that my phone rings in the middle of the night because some drunk friend is needing a ride or decides she/he wants to talk even though it's 2:30 am. So when my phone rings or I get a message in the middle of the night, it usually is because something is wrong, and that night was no exception.
In my half-awake state, I begrudgingly grabbed my phone which had slipped from my nightstand (silly cat!) and was hanging by the charging cord off the edge. I looked at it and sure enough there was a text message, but it was from my high school friend, Phil. I have known Phil since middle school when he started attending the private school I had attended my whole life and he and another guy and my best girlfriend were basically best friends throughout high school. Sure we went through ups and downs and Phil even had a crush on me at one point which was very difficult to deal with because I wasn't interested but I still wanted to be friends, but we all managed through. We had been through Phil's diagnosis of bipolar disorder in high school, the borderline emotional/mental abuse I suffered from my mother during high school, the death of our other friend's mom and the new stepmother, and much more. Even in college, we were still close, seeing each other whenever we could on breaks and visiting when we could - no matter how long we are away from each other, things seem like we never left. We grow older and yet things are the same. The guys were both in my wedding and helped me deal with the shock of having my best friend completely destroy our friendship for a multi-year period (luckily we are back in touch although things will never be quite the same) and our friendship could overcome pretty much everything no matter the distance.
That was until Phil was diagnosed with brain cancer when I was pregant with my son. At first Ryan and Phil didn't want to tell me because I was 8 months pregnant and they didn't want to upset me. But then they decided that I deserved to know and over several calls and lots of tears, I came to realize that one of my friends was dying from brain cancer. The prognosis wasn't good, but there were varying timelines of how long. And things changed. Phil started to deteriorate physically and mentally - sometimes were better than others. He would send me weird messages or call me and tell me strange things. One minute he would be happy and wanting to chat, and another he would call and be pissed off at me for some "memory" he thought he had in which I had done him wrong. It was so difficult, and I was afraid to see him by myself. I still am.
About 2 years ago now, we were home for Thanksgiving, and I agreed to go see him so he could meet my son and since my husband was with me and could help us if anything weird happened. We met him at Denny's or IHOP or something like that, and we talked for a few hours. I had a hard time looking at him because the steroids and medicines and things had made him look very differnt and when I looked down and just heard his voice, he was still the same Phil. Luckily, he was having a good day that day and was very nice to all of us and even got my son an early Christmas present. That's the last time I saw him though because even though I was in Boston where he was earlier this year, I couldn't go see him because I was there for work and couldn't bring myself to see him alone. So I didn't and we rarely talk, and I know it's wrong but I don't know what else to do.
So when I saw a text from him at 2:30 am last Saturday, I wasn't sure what it would be. It could be some random funny memory or something really mean. It could have been anything....what it was though was a text telling me that he was tired and he couldn't do it any more and that he loved us (he sent it to others as well) and that it was better this way, especially for him. I knew what it meant, and I had no idea what to do. He had recently moved back to Florida, but I didn't have his new address. I thought about texting him "Please don't. Where's your brother?" because I thought he lived with his brother (apparently they live nearby but not together), but I didn't. I just lay in bed staring at the ceiling and wondering what to do. I could have called the police but I had no idea where he lived or how to get them to him. I could have called him back, but I had no idea what I would say. I could have called our other friend, Ryan, but I didn't - I just lay there in bed and did nothing. It was stupid. But part of me thought about how I would feel if I was in his shoes, and while I don't believe in suicide, I also can't say how I would feel if I was living that life. I also didn't know if it was already too late. I just did nothing and it felt terrible and yet okay at the same time.
Eventually, I fell back to sleep and the next morning I started calling our friend, Ryan, multiple times trying to see if he knew what was going on. Luckily, he called me back and told me that Phil did try to commit suicide but luckily it was with pills and alcohol and that Ryan was up late from insomnia and got the text and called the police in the town that Phil is living in. He had his new address (had asked him the week or so before by the grace of God), and also had his brother's phone number and got him over there as well. They had gotten him to the hospital in time, pumped his stomach, and were waiting to see what was going to happen next.
I don't have any other updates and it weighs on my mind each day, but I already did nothing so I guess I can just continue that. I'm not normally a person who does nothing, but sometimes that's all that you can do. I just couldn't do any more than I already am, and unfortunately, this was the place that it manifested itself. I wish I could do more, but I can't. But I can write this now and I can talk about it, and I am thankful that Ryan could do what I couldn't. We'll see how things go from here, but I know that either way I don't have much more time with Phil. It does make me realize that I should cherish everyone though because you never know when something is going to happen. Natural or unnatural, people can be taken away from you at any time.
The first time I received a text after that night, I jumped and the anxiety about the situation came back. I have changed the sound my message makes on my phone, and I hope to never EVER hear that other sound again.
10.19.2010
Frustration
Sometimes I get so frustrated about things that it makes me want to cry. Luckily today is not one of those days, but it could have been yesterday. I don't know it's due to my anxiety or I'm just a perfectionist or what is going on, but lately I have been stressing about money. I don't really have a good reason to be - hubby and I both have jobs that pay fairly well and are secure, and we have a nice house and 2 nice cars and are definitely not living a bad life in any way. But I still get stressed because I want to be paying down debt or putting away money into savings, and we aren't able to do any of those things. We are able to make our bills, have a little bit of extra spending here and there, and that's about it. I know next year depending on what we do with our son for kindergarten, we will hopefully have some extra $$ back from daycare/preschool expenses. But that won't be until next August at the earliest.
I think the thing that gets me the most is that here I am busting my butt day in and day out at work and traveling all over this country, and for what? I'm not getting the overtime and doubletime any more which helped us save a little extra here and there. I'm not even going to make in salary this year what I made with salary and extra last year even though I got promoted. It's a crock. Hubby just got a little raise about 2 months ago which has helped tremendously, but then why does it feel like it's never enough?
I know this sounds super whiny because there are many people out there right now who don't have jobs and have had to give up their houses or cars or whatever to make ends meet. And we are nowhere near that so I should probably just shut up. But I still worry because I don't want to get to that place ever. I keep hoping and praying that something great will come along for us and the economy will get better and we'll get better about managing our money. We are working on it and trying to buy less "prizes" for our son and stick to the necessities for a little while so we can save up a bit for Christmas presents. But it sucks and it frustrates me.
Here's hoping tomorrow's interview goes well and I'm one step closer to a solution to ALL of this!
I think the thing that gets me the most is that here I am busting my butt day in and day out at work and traveling all over this country, and for what? I'm not getting the overtime and doubletime any more which helped us save a little extra here and there. I'm not even going to make in salary this year what I made with salary and extra last year even though I got promoted. It's a crock. Hubby just got a little raise about 2 months ago which has helped tremendously, but then why does it feel like it's never enough?
I know this sounds super whiny because there are many people out there right now who don't have jobs and have had to give up their houses or cars or whatever to make ends meet. And we are nowhere near that so I should probably just shut up. But I still worry because I don't want to get to that place ever. I keep hoping and praying that something great will come along for us and the economy will get better and we'll get better about managing our money. We are working on it and trying to buy less "prizes" for our son and stick to the necessities for a little while so we can save up a bit for Christmas presents. But it sucks and it frustrates me.
Here's hoping tomorrow's interview goes well and I'm one step closer to a solution to ALL of this!
10.11.2010
Where am I?
I have like zero time to write this but I'm going to anyways because I've been neglecting again and I don't want to lose the very few readers I have! :) Here is the quick update:
-I have been getting absolutely 100% killed at work. I broke down in tears one day a few weeks ago because it's just so overwhelming sometimes (and I was PMSing!) and I feel like no matter what I do it's never enough. The good thing is that the days fly by quickly, but the bad thing is that I still feel like there is never enough time to get everything done. After the next two weeks, things should slow down slightly before my big weekend in November. Let's hope I can make it!
-As a result of above, I have been having more anxiety and panic attacks and symptoms. It sucks. No job should do this to your body, but this one does. I have gotten really good at counting in my head (sounds crazy I know), praying, meditating, and trying to envision my fears/problems going away from me on a conveyor belt. So strange that I'm even typing this because it doesn't feel like me, but it has become a part of my reality. I hope it stays dormant again soon.
-On the job front, I made it to the 2nd round of interviews with the position within my company! I'm so excited! :) I was asked to send my last two reviews in a few weeks ago and then last week they asked me to conduct another round of scenario style interviews. I'm a little nervous for that, but luckily I don't really have too much time to think about it! Those interviews are next Monday, and I'm hoping I make it through those to the last round which will be a call with the global head of the department who sits in London. Keep your fingers crossed!
-In my current position, I am at least being recognized nationally, as I was chosen on Friday as the trainer for the new system we are rolling out next year. I was picked as the trainer for all of North America for people who do my job. So now when can I get the paycheck, hours, and recognition that really should come along with all of that? Clearly people recognize what I do, but I just can't get the formality of making it further. Something's gotta give one of these days! At least if I don't get this other position, or if something falls through, I can look forward to this which will involve training in Boston in May and June.
-Life is good at home. Love my son so much and my hubby too! We had a WONDERFUL anniversary including massage and pedicure, amazing dinner at Tillman's Roadhouse (if you live in the area you must try it - they have one in Dallas and one in Ft. Worth which is where we went), and an evening in a nice hotel downtown. Even though I stay in hotels all the time for work, it was nice to have my hubby there with me and have an evening for just the two of us away from it all - even if it was only 15 miles or so from our house!
-That's all I have time for and that takes care of the main things! I hope to come back with good news soon!
-I have been getting absolutely 100% killed at work. I broke down in tears one day a few weeks ago because it's just so overwhelming sometimes (and I was PMSing!) and I feel like no matter what I do it's never enough. The good thing is that the days fly by quickly, but the bad thing is that I still feel like there is never enough time to get everything done. After the next two weeks, things should slow down slightly before my big weekend in November. Let's hope I can make it!
-As a result of above, I have been having more anxiety and panic attacks and symptoms. It sucks. No job should do this to your body, but this one does. I have gotten really good at counting in my head (sounds crazy I know), praying, meditating, and trying to envision my fears/problems going away from me on a conveyor belt. So strange that I'm even typing this because it doesn't feel like me, but it has become a part of my reality. I hope it stays dormant again soon.
-On the job front, I made it to the 2nd round of interviews with the position within my company! I'm so excited! :) I was asked to send my last two reviews in a few weeks ago and then last week they asked me to conduct another round of scenario style interviews. I'm a little nervous for that, but luckily I don't really have too much time to think about it! Those interviews are next Monday, and I'm hoping I make it through those to the last round which will be a call with the global head of the department who sits in London. Keep your fingers crossed!
-In my current position, I am at least being recognized nationally, as I was chosen on Friday as the trainer for the new system we are rolling out next year. I was picked as the trainer for all of North America for people who do my job. So now when can I get the paycheck, hours, and recognition that really should come along with all of that? Clearly people recognize what I do, but I just can't get the formality of making it further. Something's gotta give one of these days! At least if I don't get this other position, or if something falls through, I can look forward to this which will involve training in Boston in May and June.
-Life is good at home. Love my son so much and my hubby too! We had a WONDERFUL anniversary including massage and pedicure, amazing dinner at Tillman's Roadhouse (if you live in the area you must try it - they have one in Dallas and one in Ft. Worth which is where we went), and an evening in a nice hotel downtown. Even though I stay in hotels all the time for work, it was nice to have my hubby there with me and have an evening for just the two of us away from it all - even if it was only 15 miles or so from our house!
-That's all I have time for and that takes care of the main things! I hope to come back with good news soon!
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