There are times when I feel like the week just rushes by so quickly and there don't seem to be enough hours in the day to get everything done. Then there are other times when there is too much to do and not enough time to do it. This week was one of those latter type of weeks. It seems like I have the weight of a million and one things on my shoulders right now, and I'm struggling to find the best way to alleviate all of the burden and enjoy my life. There are changes that need to be made - some that are in my control and some that aren't - and I know that change is hard and takes time. But I'm ready for something more - I deserve something more.
The one solid and stable area in my life right now is my marriage with my husband and our relationship as a family with my son. I am so thankful to have them both in my life to get through the good times and the bad, and I don't know what I would do if all of the wheels on the bus were off and rolling away. At least I have one really good solid set for up front! ;)
Work is starting to get to the point where it is becoming unbearable for me. Not the actual work - it's just that I've lost all of my excitement and passion for it. I feel like the joy I used to feel has been replaced by bitterness and anger, and that is really just not the type of person I am or want to be. I'm bitter that I work my tail off and get "promoted" only to be basically shoved back in my place by a loss in income. I'm angry that I work extra hours (without pay now) and try my hardest to be the best I can be and yet there is no room for advancement or recognition or future opportunities and my boss tries to micromanage me to death for no reason at all. I find myself internally saying "you can get through this because hopefully next time you won't be here" or "it's going to be okay because maybe next time you won't be the one to put up with it - it will be someone else's problem." That would be all well and good if I actually had something to go to, but I don't know and I don't know how to find it.
I look at some of my friends who are very deserving of the positions I have but have better positions than me nonetheless. And I think to myself - when is it my turn? When will someone give me a chance to supervise people or at least a career path towards that? Why am I giving up time away from my son and my house and my family with traveling and long hours and crazy schedules when I'm not getting anything back in return (a stable job of course which I am VERY thankful for and good benefits - so it's not nothing but I think I should get more)? I know I will get that time soon (at least I hope), but I'm anxious to get there. In the meantime, I will concentrate on my classes and passing my exam at the end of the month (oh please let me pass!).
On top of all this work mumbo-jumbo, I have had a weird feeling this week about my son's preschool. Up until this point, I have been super happy with his school and felt very safe and secure knowing he was there with good people and learning lots of things. However, in the past month, I feel like something has changed. My son's teacher was taken away from him to move to the toddler area and he and a few classmates were shuttled up to the next grade up area for the summer. I thought at the time it was all very strange because we never received a letter from the school telling us what was going on or of the upcoming changes or received any information about his new teacher. And then when I went this week to drop him off, I've noticed the place is a ghost town and the entire wing where he formerly was is shut down and they are down to just three small classrooms for the two grades combined. To me, that makes me wonder if something happened that I wasn't aware of, and that the other parents found out and we didn't. Why would their enrollment drop so dramatically? It didn't do that last year even.
Of course as usual when I get worried about stuff like this, I went into super research mode and started checking records with the state family & protective services department and such. The perfect record I saw 3 years ago when we first put him in has now been tarnished with several violations in 2009 specifically in areas that are scary to me. I can overlook a piece of paper being misplaced or something small like that because that can easily be filled out and updated. But not paying attention to children or inappropriately handling them is not something I will tolerate. My son is about to be in PreK this next fall, and it scares me to have him somewhere that has now become so disorganized as that is a formative year and he is just on the verge of learning to read. I'm distraught over what to do, but I am going this afternoon with my husband to talk to the school and get some answers. If I don't like what I hear, I'm determined to find something else for him - even if it's starting in the fall and he has to stick out the summer there. It's hard working full time when you are concerned about your son's wellbeing. I hope we can get this all figured out soon.
Enough of my craziness, I guess I should actually do a little work today since I'm leaving early for that meeting! I have faith that things will get better soon - I'm just ready and waiting for the right moment to come!
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